“Yep. The last time he did it was a few years ago. Wrote to Phoenix and said he was sorry and wanted to finally explain why our mom bailed. Echo visited and Dad told him the bitch left because she was a bitch.”
Sadness suffused Gordy’s face. The only look I hated more than sadness when discussing Lester Kent was pity. I didn’t want or need anyone feeling sorry for me. Life was what it was and there were plenty of people in the world who had it far worse than I did. I was not some victim of childhood trauma. I wasn’t a survivor. I was me. Just me.
“Don’t feel sorry for me,” I seethed. “I don’t need that shit. Lester’s a cop-killing asshole. He’s been dead to me for years. Whether or not his body will soon be under dirt doesn’t matter to me. Good riddance.”
Gordy didn’t respond verbally for a long time. Though I didn’t need words for him to communicate his anger—his hardened eyes and scowl were loud and clear.
“Stow your claws, kitten.”
“Gordy—”
“You got your say, now you’re gonna listen to me,” Gordy cut me off. “I can’t feel sorry for a woman who against the odds has succeeded. I can’t feel sorry for a woman who, despite being taught wrong has done nothing but good in her life. I can’t feel sorry for a woman who works her ass off, is great at her job, and has earned the respect of every person she works with. But I can and do feel compassion. I can also feel loyalty and friendship. So that brings us to what I do feel sorry about—you not opening yourself up to receive that loyalty and friendship. You’re the first person to give Valentine a pep talk when one of his dates screws him over. You’re the first one to boost morale after a shitty, twelve-hour shift. And you’re the first one to turn your back on all of us when we reach out. You’re so goddamn selfish, Shiloh, it’s unbelievable.”
Shiloh?
I didn’t think Gordy had ever called me Shiloh.
“I’m selfish?”
Yes, that was what I chose to comment on. Examining and questioning any other part of his soliloquy would lead to me having to reflect. And at six-thirty in the morning after spending ten hours outside a house with an active shooter and five hostages I was in no mood for self-reflection of any kind.
“What else would you call someone who gives everything but refuses those she gives to the opportunity to show gratitude? It’s goddamn selfish, Sunny. You give, but then throw our friendship in our faces and slice and dice anyone who attempts to get close.”
Oh, shit.
“What do you want me to say, huh? That I don’t want friends because I know they’ll leave and it will hurt? I don’t want anyone caring about me because that will lead to fucked-up conversations like this and make me feel like shit because I’m incapable of a normal relationship? Admit that I’ve hidden behind my brothers my whole damn life and used them as a buffer to keep people away? Confess my deep, dark secrets and tell you there are times when I cannot breathe, when I think of all the ways I’ve disappointed myself. Jesus, Gordy, just tell me what you want so I can go the fuck home.”
“Yeah, sweetheart, all of that. That’s what I wanted to hear,” Gordy whispered, and I went stone cold.
What had I done?
This was all Luke’s fault.
He was pushing this friendship shit on me, doing it nice and slow. Sneaking shit in and giving it in small doses until he’d done it—he ruined me. Now I was blurting shit out not realizing what I was saying until it was too late.
I was done with this.
All of it.
I turned to leave but Gordy was faster and blocked my car door.
Bastard.
“Move.”
“You know if your fucktard of a father wasn’t locked up, I’d kill him with my bare hands. And I’ve thought myself a man who couldn’t harm a woman, but I’d slap the shit outta that mother of yours and not feel a moment of regret. What those two fucking idiots taught you was a lesson. But instead of you learning the real meaning, you’ve twisted it in your head. Yes, people leave. But, Shiloh, those who are worth your time do not. Those who truly love you never leave.
“I’m sorry to say this because it’s the worst thing a person can know but your father is fucked. He is incapable of loving anyone. And that mother of yours didn’t love you. If she had, sweetheart, she would’ve held on to you and your brothers and got you clear of your father. She didn’t and that’s on her. Her, Shiloh. She’s the one with the problem, not you. You need to open your damn eyes and learn a new lesson—you are not them.”
My eyes drifted closed. I couldn’t bear to look at Gordy. I couldn’t bear the fury, the anger, the sadness, the grief. He was feeling all of that for me.
He wasn’t supposed to feel anything for me.
I wasn’t supposed to feel anything for anyone.
Fucking Luke. He did something to me. He cursed me. He made me feel things I swore I’d never allowed myself to feel. Even how standing here hollowed me out and I wanted to run home to him so he could fill me up. He’d take this pain away; I knew he would. But at what cost? He’d make me open up more. He’d make me talk about why I was upset. He’d break down more walls and steal the last of my strength.
Panic was nearing the red zone. I itched to crawl out of my skin.
“What’s wrong with me?” I wheezed. “Why didn’t they love me?”
“There’s nothing wrong with you, Sunny. And you’re asking the wrong question, sweetheart. What you should be asking is: why didn’t they love themselves? What was broken in them? Darlin’, hear this; you cannot love anyone, not even your children, if you don’t first love yourself. They had nothing to give you or your brothers because they were empty.”
“He loved Phoenix. He took him everywhere.”
“No, Sunny, he used Phoenix as a weapon to hurt you, Echo, and River. That piece of shit used his boy and is still using him.”
God, that was the truth. The disgusting truth.
When I was little, I used to be jealous that my dad loved my brother but not me. Then I was angry because Phoenix would defend Dad. The cops would show up to question Lester and Phoenix would get mad and say the cops were out to get Lester. Phoenix never believed that our dad was filth until he killed Officer Smith. Then Phoenix was crushed.
You did not do that to someone you loved. You didn’t lie and use them. I didn’t know a lot about love, but I knew that much.
I knew you didn’t steal, cheat, abuse, and kill people.
What the hell was wrong with my father?
“When my mom left it hurt. She wasn’t much but she was a body in the house. She was there when we got home from school. Then she wasn’t and as useless as she was it sucked. And Lester’s scum, total filth, so it wasn’t much of a loss when he went to prison, but Echo felt it. We all did but Echo especially. He had to step up and be our parent. They both left us.”
“Yep, they did,” Gordy said evenly. “They both left and in doing so they inadvertently gave you and your brothers something special. They gave the four of you an unbreakable bond. It goes beyond biology and is rooted in unwavering loyalty. Think about that. The four of you took loss and pain and turned it into beauty. The four of you built an indestructible foundation. Echo gave you that, Sunny. Now you need to learn how to build on it.”