“Sunny? Hey, Sunny.” Ethan shook my shoulder and my gaze went to him. “You good?”
“Yeah.” I swallowed the lump that had lodged itself in my throat and nodded. “Yeah, I’m good.”
Ethan studied me closely. His shrewd, intelligent green eyes took me in. He clocked my lie, but thankfully he didn’t call me on it. Maybe he was going to but Luke came up from behind me and pulled me into a hug.
This was not professional. This was something that would’ve made the old Sunny’s head pop off and spin around in circles after I kicked him in the balls for making me look like a weakling in front of my team. Luke’s Shiloh however welcomed the comfort.
“That was a good shot,” Luke murmured.
“Yeah.”
“I know she was in your head,” Luke continued.
He was talking about Penelope. And since he said he knew, I didn’t think he needed confirmation so I didn’t provide it. I just held on tight.
“You did good, baby. Kept your cool. I’m proud of you.”
Luke was saying all the right things but I hadn’t forgotten. Now that Jeff Shepard was neutralized, the situation was defused, and his daughter was safe, my head was filled with the memory of Luke running down the hall. Uncontrolled fear clear on his face. God, so much fear it hurt to look at him.
Stone cold fear.
Then on the drive over I heard it. I felt it down to my bones. Every word he spoke had been angry, full of agony, and possibly regret.
That was when the worry set in.
The fear that my job was too much. Too dangerous.
I had a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach that Luke was going to leave.
And for the first time, I understood the true meaning of love. Real, true, deep love. I didn’t ever want Luke to be afraid. Not ever. I loved him enough to let him go. I loved him enough to let him walk away and find someone who he’d never have to worry about. A woman who didn’t leave their bed in the middle of the night. A woman who didn’t have to promise she’d come home safe.
A woman who was not me.
That sickness in my belly roiled and turned to acid. My heart shattered into a million shards—razor-sharp pieces that pierced my soul.
Everyone always left.
27
Longest twenty-four hours of my life.
By the time Shiloh and I hit my house the sun was coming up.
She didn’t protest when I took her into the bathroom and undressed her. She didn’t make a peep when I pulled her into the shower and washed her. She was silent when I dried her off, helped her into one of my shirts, then got her into bed.
It wasn’t until she was curled into my side and I was drifting off to sleep that her tired, dull voice broke the quiet. Her dead tone worried me. I’d never heard her sound so sullen. But I brushed it aside, chalking it up to Valentine being in critical care after he made it through surgery. Her reliving a situation that was eerily similar to the one that haunted her. I didn’t need her to tell me she was thinking about Penelope and Clive while she faced down Stephanie and Jeff.
That was a mistake. I should’ve called her out on her tone. I should’ve asked what was in her head. Unfortunately at the time, I didn’t understand how huge of a fuck-up it was. Like most lessons, I didn’t know the true meaning until after I failed the test.
So, in the dark quiet of my bedroom when she finally spoke I didn’t listen to my instincts. I just answered her question.
“Tell me about your tattoo. Why an eagle?”
Lifeless. Shallow. Sad.
Fuck, it hurt just listening to her broken voice.
I curled her closer and when I did she tucked her head under my chin.
“I was in Montana training and when we were done some of the guys decided to head to Yellowstone. We were on a day hike and caught sight of a wolf pack. Didn’t see how it happened but one of the wolves had an eagle. We could hear it screeching, see it thrashing, but the bird was good as dead. I stood there watching thinking about how that wolf happened on an eagle. How the circle of life is a miraculous thing. Then all of a sudden there’s this eagle flying, circling, getting lower and lower with every pass. I could not believe it when that eagle attacked the wolf. Talons out, screaming, total balls-out attack. Who would’ve ever thought a bird would attack a wolf? But goddamn if I didn’t witness it.”
“Were the eagles okay?” she whispered.
“Nope. The pack closed ranks and both birds went down,” I told her. “But that’s not the point. The first eagle wasn’t giving up. He was fighting to the death. The second eagle swooped in like a warrior. Swear to God, it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed. Can’t say, I don’t know if they were both males, male and female, parent and child. What I do know is that the eagle came out of the sky to help its fellow bird, uncaring it was going to battle a wolf. And right then, I understood the definition of a warrior. I had to ask myself when the time came would I be brave enough to answer the call? I wanted to be the eagle. I wanted to go into battle knowing I was brave enough to fight the wolf even if it meant certain death. And if I was the one on the ground, bloody and mangled, I wanted to have it in me to claw and screech and draw my last breath fighting.”
I heard her suck in a breath, I felt the rush of air against my skin, and I still didn’t press Shiloh to tell me what was wrong.
Big mistake.
“I love you, Shiloh.”
I kissed the top of her head and her body went solid.
“I love you more than anything in the whole world, Luke. More than I ever thought possible,” she whispered.
The words felt like velvet when they hit my chest. But they sounded off. Yet, I didn’t push her to open up.
Big fucking mistake.
I woke up the next morning and Shiloh was gone.
I spent ten hours searching for her and when I finally found her I knew I’d made the biggest mistake of my life not pushing her to open up.
28
I sat and waited.
Thankfully, I didn’t have to wait too long. I needed to get this done and get back on the road.
I’d been in plenty of detention centers, jails, and prisons over the years. If the building housed inmates I’d been in it. But this was different.
Vastly different.
This felt suffocating sitting in the large, sterile visitation room. With each inhale, I could smell the desperation and hopelessness. Disinfectant mixed with despair.
It was not a good idea, me being inside Georgia State Prison. And not because I was there to see Lester. For my safety, I was offered a private room. A police officer being seen by an inmate they’d had a hand in incarcerating could turn ugly. But I couldn’t stomach the thought of being in a room alone with my father. This was bad enough—having to sit across from him in a huge, open space.
Finally, Lester was shuffled into the room by a corrections officer. I took the opportunity to study the man who had a part in creating me. And instead of doing what a father should do—that being love, protect, and nurture—he’d done the opposite. He’d crushed me. From a very early age, I knew he was mean. As I got older I learned he wasn’t just mean, he was a total asshole. Quick to belittle, quick to yell, quick to raise his hand in anger. I couldn’t remember a time when Lester had tucked me into bed, read me a book, kissed me goodnight, hugged me, or told me he loved me.