He wouldn’t look at me.
I was quiet as he sat on the edge of his bed, clicking through his phone. But after a few minutes had passed, I was ready to break the silence, so I cleared my throat, gathering my clothes off the bed.
“After we check out the canyon tomorrow, I think I’m going to do a load of laundry. The concierge said they have a little laundromat on site.” Emery didn’t respond, nor did he seem like he was even listening, his fingers still working over the keys on his phone. “Want me to add any of your clothes in with mine?”
“Sure.”
I nodded, heart stinging from his icy response. “You okay?”
He huffed at that, tossing his phone on the bedside dresser with a loud thud before his eyes finally met mine. They were hard as stone. “Fine.”
I think part of him saw the hurt in my eyes in that moment, because he forced a long breath, running a hand roughly through his hair and tearing his gaze away. I waited for him to say something else, but he didn’t — he just stared at the floor where his bare feet rubbed against the carpet.
Swallowing, I held my head as high as I could, adjusting my clothes in my arm. “Okay. I’m going to take a shower.”
I took my time, washing my stump and soaking my sore muscles in the bathtub for a while before draining the water and running the shower. The hot water stung a little as it hit my back, but still I stood beneath the stream on one leg, holding onto the bar at the back of the shower for balance.
Maybe he’s regretting last night. Maybe I’m a terrible kisser and now he’s thinking about how stuck he is with me. Maybe I said something when I was high, something I don’t remember. Maybe he just doesn’t like me.
My mind raced until the water ran cold, and I stepped out of the tub with a heavy sigh, knowing it was no use. I wasn’t exactly an expert in depression, but I knew enough to understand that whatever he was going through today, it wasn’t because of me. There was a war raging inside that head of his tonight, and only he could see it. Only he could fight.
But only if he wanted to.
Emery was already asleep by the time I let myself out of the bathroom, so I hopped on one leg over to the bed, finding balance on the desk along the wall as I did. I laid my prosthesis beside the bed, set an alarm for seven so I could get up to do yoga before we went for our hike, and then I curled in beside Kalo and turned down the light, praying tomorrow would bring Emery back to me.
“I can’t believe it,” Lily said over the speaker phone the next morning.
My eyes were closed, back pressed to my mat, and a stupid grin was plastered on my face. I was still lying down from Savasana, my body aching yet satisfied after a great yoga session, and I had a feeling today would be a better day.
“Honestly, neither can I.”
She sighed longingly. “I hope you know not all of your first kisses will be like that. Like, he ruined you. He set the bar too high. You’re going to be so disappointed next time. My first kiss was Robby MacIntyre, remember? He tongue punched my mouth and slobbered all over me behind the bleachers our sophomore year. At least I could only go up from there.”
“You should write him a thank you card.”
“I really should. He set the bar low. But seriously, what are you even feeling right now?”
I shook my head, trying to figure out how to put it into words. “I don’t even know. I feel… high. God, Lily. His lips… they’re just… magical.”
“Like I said,” she reiterated. “Ruined.”
I chuckled, sitting up on my mat. “Anyway, I just wanted to tell you. We’re hiking the Grand Canyon today so I need to get back to the room and get him up and going.”
“Think he’ll be in a better mood today?”
My smile slipped, fingers picking at the loose strings at the hem of my tank top. “I hope so. I think yesterday was just a bad day.”
“You don’t think he’s overanalyzing the kiss? Do you think… is he maybe freaked out by how good it was, too? You said he was more of a single forever type of guy.”
“Well, I don’t think we’re necessarily getting married just because we kissed,” I combatted with a laugh. “Maybe it was just a fun night and it’ll never happen again.”
Lily scoffed. “Yeah, right. You guys will just continue to drive across the country, spending every waking moment together and sleeping in the same room and you’ll never kiss again. Totally. Makes sense.”
“Shut up.”
“Just be careful, okay?” Lily paused, and I imagined her fidgeting with the straps of her backpack like she always did when we were in high school. She was walking to class, and for a moment I had a longing desire to be there with her, to be at the same college as my best friend. “Your first kiss might have been incredible, but your first heartbreak is going to suck — especially if he’s the one to hand it to you.”
“It was just a kiss,” I lied. “I’m fine. If he wants to just be friends, I’m cool with it.”
“And if he wants to make out and take your shirt off?”
I blushed, biting my lower lip. “I mean, I wouldn’t be mad at that, either.”
“I’m sure,” Lily laughed the words. “Okay, go hike the Grand Canyon. I’ll just be here, in Illinois, drowning in homework, studying in the library with the other nerds and wishing I was on a cross-country trip with a boy who kisses like a god.”
“I’ll send a postcard.”
“You better.”
There was another pause, and my heart squeezed. I wondered what it would be like to be there with her, what my life would have been like if I’d had a normal childhood and parents who cared about me. I wondered how the diner was doing, how Tammy was holding up while they filled my position. I even wondered about my parents. Were they going to be able to pay rent? Were they thinking of me at all?
But I knew that answer already.
As if she could read my mind, Lily spoke my thoughts out loud. “Miss you, bestie. You wearing your ring?”
I sighed. “Miss you more. And like you even have to ask.”
“I’ve got mine on, too. I’m with you in spirit. Call me anytime, okay? Even if it’s the middle of the night.”
“I’ll check in again soon,” I promised, and then I ended the call, rolling up my yoga mat and heading back to the room.
It was still dark when I let myself in, but Kalo was wide awake, hopping around my feet as I used the light from my phone to find my way through. I took her for a long walk, my excitement growing as I saw the ridges of the canyon in the distance, but when I tried to wake Emery after we were back, my mood soured instantly.
He was still in bed, covers pulled up over his messy hair, and when I turned on the lights, he groaned.
“Ready to hike, sunshine?” I tried to tease, but he just huffed from under the comforter.
“I don’t want to go.”
I was tempted to roll my eyes, but then I remembered his journal, how he wrote about the days when everything just felt pointless. I’d never experienced it myself, but I imagined it would be an awful feeling. He’d asked me to understand, and I wanted to, I wanted to give him what he needed.