Lara sighed right back at me. “I think I know why Will was acting like that.”
Because he was self-absorbed, self-interested, and devoid of empathy? “Why?”
“Matt just told me the guys found a picture of you on Will’s phone. Wearing his jacket.”
“Oh.”
“They gave him a hard time about it. Apparently Will was trying to say you guys took the photo to show how silly you’d look in a jacket that big, but they didn’t let him off the hook.”
“Right. So he wanted to prove himself?”
Lara smirked. “Apparently. Because he’s so super straight, right? ’Cause if you dry hump a girl that makes you straight. I, personally, turn straight every time I kiss a guy, too. That’s exactly how it works.”
Well, I didn’t miss the sarcasm that time. “Sometimes I think I don’t like him very much.”
Lara shrugged. “Hate away. I’ve hated Renee for over a year now, I think. Doesn’t mean I don’t love her.”
“Isn’t that a contradiction?”
“Nope. Apathy is incompatible with hate. Love works okay.”
We sat in silence for a few seconds, then Lara kicked at a few loose pebbles. “Be careful, though. Sure, you can forgive someone for hurting you by accident, right? But if they keep accidentally ripping your heart out over and over again, doesn’t mean they’re terrible people, but it probably means you’re better off getting to a distance where they can’t keep doing that. Accidentally or not.”
It didn’t seem like she was just talking about Will.
“We’re better than that, right?” I said.
“We damn well are.”
I was so angry that Will could so easily hurt me, without any hesitation.
But it made me even angrier to know that I’d let him.
I’d let him. He’d made it perfectly clear that he couldn’t give me what I wanted. So why had I stuck around? Why was I so willing to accept whatever scraps he handed out?
All this time, I’d been wondering when my needs would start to really matter to him.
Maybe I hadn’t spent enough time wondering when my needs would start to really matter to me.
A cheer rang out from inside the hall as a Post Malone song came on. We glanced back, but neither of us made any move to get up, even though it was freaking freezing out here, and even though we were sitting kind of near the Dumpsters, and something sounded like it was rummaging through them, and maybe it was a raccoon. We stayed outside.
“How come you asked me to come here with you? Really?” I asked to change the topic.
Lara examined her nails. “Like I said. Neither of us had anyone better to go with.”
I couldn’t help myself—I actually laughed out loud at that one. Was it possible that Lara’s jabs weren’t able to hurt me anymore? Or was it that I was starting to get the sense that her jabs weren’t meant to be taken personally? “Flattering. Thank you.”
Lara reached for her purse then, and I thought it was time to go back in. But instead she rummaged around in it, then paused with her hand still hidden inside. “Um. I got you something. For being my date.”
I was fairly sure Lara buying me a present was listed as an end of times sign in the Bible, between false prophets and stars falling from the sky. Which was terrible news for humanity, but it did brighten my night up a little. “You did? Oh … I didn’t get you anything.”
“We’re playing swapsies with oppressive gender roles tonight. That’s the theme of this stupid dance, right?” she asked. “Anyway. Here.”
She handed me a rose-gold chain, longer than the ones the girls wore. It didn’t have a rose on the end, though. It had a dagger.
I turned it around in my fingers and fought a lump that had turned up in my throat unannounced.
“Daggers represent the polar opposite of roses,” she said. “But they’re paired together a lot, like in tattoos and stuff. When they’re paired together, it’s supposed to represent the balance of two different parts making a whole. Because you kind of round out the group. And also, because you can’t get our exact necklaces anymore.”
I rounded out the group.
“Can I wear it?” I forced out.
“No, you’re supposed to keep it in your pocket. Of course you wear it.”
When it was fastened, the dagger rested on my chest an inch below my collarbone. I doubted you could see it with this shirt, but I felt like I must look completely different somehow. I felt different. Like I properly belonged somewhere I never thought I could.
Against that, Will dancing with Jess didn’t seem so catastrophic. Not anymore.
The dagger made me brave enough to ask a question that would never have left my lips before tonight. “Hey, Lara? On the first day of school, when I told you guys about Will … how come you didn’t tell me you knew him? You could’ve warned me.”
To my surprise, she burst out laughing. “Come on, Ollie. We knew nothing about you. For all we knew, if you realized Will went to our school you’d out him to the class. I wanted to give Will a heads-up before you figured out what was going on so he could do some damage control if he needed to.”
I tried to work through this new information. “Wait, so that’s what you and Juliette were doing at the party?”
“Trying to. But Matt wouldn’t let me get Will alone. He was all talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.”
“But why’d you wait until the party to tell him?”
“I couldn’t find him at school, and he didn’t reply to my texts. Then I asked Matt, and he told me about the whole grounding thing. Remember?”
Of course. Will hadn’t had his phone.
So the party hadn’t been about humiliating me. It was difficult to wrap my head around, and to be honest I didn’t completely buy it at first. “That seems awfully thoughtful of you,” I said, raising a pointed eyebrow.
“No one deserves to be outed against their will,” Lara said.
And this time, I believed her. Lara, who was secretly in love with Renee. Who laughed along with the group when they teased her about her party behavior like it was all one big joke. Who snapped when Will made a comment about my clothing.
Lara’d had no intention of letting me come into her school and out one of her friends.
And why shouldn’t she have thought that? I’d outed Will to the three girls, after all. On purpose or not. The consequence was still the same.
I cleared my throat and changed the subject, a little overwhelmed. “Well, hey. If things don’t work out with Renee, at least you can be pretty sure Matt’s an option.”
Lara barked another laugh. “Oh God,” she said. “Oh, I used to have the biggest damn crush on him.”
“Really?”
“Yes, oh my God, yes.” She grinned. “I’m bi as fuck, Ollie, in case you haven’t noticed. I swear, he’s only paying me attention now because I like Renee. That boy only wants what he can’t have.”
Ugh. Straight guys.
“Can I confess something?”
Hearing those words come out of Lara’s mouth felt odd. Like a vegetarian asking you to pass the meatballs, or a mermaid asking to borrow your shoes. Guilt + Lara = system error. And yet, here she was, looking at me with what was almost definitely a guilty expression.