“Okay.”
“We can’t just say it, though, we have to do it. I don’t want this to be over. Maybe it doesn’t have to be, right?”
I shrugged. I just didn’t know the answer to that.
“We need to stay in touch. We need to keep talking, and we’ll figure something out. Maybe I can get down there for spring break or something. Or maybe you’ll come back to visit your aunt, and we can organize to meet up somewhere.”
I had a horrible feeling I was about to cry. All I could do was give a short nod.
Will cupped my face with one of his hands and stared at me with serious brown eyes. “Please don’t lose contact, okay? I need to see you again.”
“Did you know your heartbeat changes rhythm when you listen to faster or slower music?” Will asked.
“Nope. That’s pretty cool, though.”
“Yeah. And the cornea is the only body part that doesn’t get oxygen from blood. It just sucks it in, right from the air.”
He was sitting crossed-legged on a spare chair in the music room, flicking through the biology textbook he balanced in his lap. That day, his excuse to hang with me in the music room was an upcoming test. I’d thought the book was a prop, but, to my surprise, he actually sat down and started reading it when I picked up my bass. I wasn’t sure if it was because he really wanted to ace the test, or if he just found it really boring to listen to the same bass line repeated over and over again. I wouldn’t blame him if it was the latter, but then I had to wonder—why did he always come to visit me here at lunch when I spent three-quarters of it ignoring him to practice music?
“And blood flows through your veins so fast, it only takes twenty seconds for a blood cell to do a whole lap,” he went on. “That’s funny. I always pictured blood as cruising along at, like, a walking pace.”
“It spurts out pretty fast if you cut yourself badly,” I said.
“Yeah, but not, like, a-hundred-miles-an-hour fast,” he said. “Think about how small a blood cell is compared to your whole body. And it only takes twenty seconds. That would be like us doing ten laps of a football field in twenty seconds.”
“I guess. But it’s all relative, right?”
He blinked into the distance. “I don’t even know anymore. My brain hurts.”
I riffled through the folder of sheet music I’d been compiling for Absolution’s upcoming gig and selected a song I wasn’t having much trouble with, but that was a little more impressive sounding than the last couple I’d practiced. So maybe I wanted to show off a little with Will in the room. Was that such a crime? It had to be a misdemeanor at most. “So, are you actually studying?” I asked.
“Yes. Sort of. This textbook has little bubbles in the corner of the pages with fun facts about the human body. I’ve been making my way through those.”
“Let’s hope they’re examinable,” I said. I banged the sheet music against the stand to knock the papers into place, before lining them up to start rehearsing.
“Hey, Ollie?” Will said just as I picked up my bass. “I’ve been thinking.”
Well, the bass went right back down at that. “Hmm?” He took so long to answer, I was gearing up to prod him into speaking when he finally spat it out. “I was angry at you for a while because I thought you should understand that I had to act in certain ways because I’m not out. So, when you didn’t take my side, I thought it meant you didn’t have my back.”
To say I was surprised to hear that was an understatement. It hadn’t even occurred to me that Will could have seen it that way.
“But,” he went on, “I thought about how I’d feel if you acted like you didn’t know me, or danced with someone else or whatever. And then I got it.”
“Got what?”
I mean, I knew what, from the tone of his voice, but I wanted to hear him say it.
“That I was being a fucking asshole to you.”
We sat in silence. I didn’t want to say it was okay, because I didn’t know if it was totally okay. Not yet. But it was nice to hear him acknowledge that. And also, I had a bit of thinking to do. I’d been upset because I wanted him to care about me more. But if he’d interpreted my behavior as me not caring enough, even if I didn’t agree with what he did, still, maybe that was a little more forgivable. At least, it was better than him just totally disregarding my feelings.
Will broke the silence in a small voice. “Do you wanna come over after school sometime? As friends,” he added quickly.
I couldn’t stop the surprise from flashing across my face. After that reaction from his dad the last time, I’d assumed visits were blacklisted now. Anything that seemed to make people suspicious had to be off-limits with Will. I’d been working hard on accepting that, and not getting too close or assuming it’d change, and here he was pulling the rug out from under me. Why did he always manage to catch me off guard, no matter what I expected from him? “What about your parents?”
“We can keep the door open.”
I hesitated. “It seems like your dad might suspect something, though.”
“I know. But I miss hanging out with you, and I’d like to see you more.”
I thought about it. “How about you come over to mine sometime? I’m only five minutes away from school.”
Will gave me a huge smile that warmed my stomach. “Okay.”
I made as if to start playing, but he spoke again. He was lucky he was cute, or I’d have to kick him out for distracting me when I had a deadline. “Hey, also, uh, are you busy Friday? We’re playing the regionals round.”
Right, because that’s how I wanted to spend a Friday night—watching guys throw balls at each other’s heads and congratulating each other on their excellence and athletic prowess when they managed to throw the ball in just the right way. Thrilling. “I can’t, sorry. I have this gig with Absolution on Friday.”
His face fell so suddenly I kind of felt guilty. I hadn’t realized he actually cared about having me there. But I wasn’t lying—I did have a gig. And it wasn’t exactly optional attendance. Anyone who didn’t think bass was important hadn’t tried listening to a punk song without it. Picture a chocolate sundae without any sauce, or a movie without any extras in the background. It’d work, technically, but the overall experience would lack a certain oomph.
“Oh. That’s fine. I hope it goes well.”
“I’d like it if you could come to the show, though. Maybe after the game?”
He could’ve thrown a tantrum about me missing the basketball game. Told me he was too busy with his own life to come to something that was important to me, just like I was too busy to go to his. But, like he always did, Will nodded immediately and said, “Of course.”
Then he went back to studying.
“How come you’re not in the library?” I asked suddenly.
“What?”
“It’d be easier to study in there, wouldn’t it? Quieter?”
He hesitated. “Is this you hinting you want me to go?”
“No, I swear. I’m honestly just curious.”
“Oh. I don’t know, I just like spending time with you.”