“Good, we’re having lunch!” I hear Tucker’s voice before I turn around and see him.
“At least you won’t be alone while I go to the gym,” I say, trying to act normal while my legs are barely supporting my weight.
“You can’t just leave in the middle of the conversation,” Zeke protests.
“See, I can. If there’s anything else, let’s keep it via email.”
If Tucker weren’t here, I’d tell him that I need to step back when things get to be too much, like he does. He might be ready for this conversation, but I’m not prepared to discuss it any further.
Can we get past today?
Chapter Twenty
From: ZJH <[email protected]>
To: EDK <[email protected]>
Subject: You never came back.
I planned on calling you, but then I thought it’d be weird. We already made things awkward for each other. Next week is Nana’s birthday, do you think we can behave as if nothing happened? I can’t skip it since the party is at her parents’ home and they expect me to be there.
No, I’m not asking you to avoid it. She’ll know we’re not in a good place.
Do you have any idea how much you set me back in my recovery?
You can’t just call me your man and yell that you want to be the father of my children. I mean, what the fuck, Ethan?
It’s like you were having this weird secret relationship with me while I thought we were nothing more than fuck buddies.
My understanding is that we just had fun together, that Tucker was your one and only love, that you never felt anything for me. Your words play again and again inside my head. I can’t make any sense of them. I was already having trouble with the confession of the previous night, but now.
What. The. Fuck?!
I might not be ready for any of your answers, but I’ll make it work.
Zeke
From: EDK <[email protected]>
To: ZJH <[email protected]>
Subject: Nana’s birthday
Your email has only one line about her birthday. I’ll be there, not making it weird.
So, I went to see my therapist. We had a long conversation about my stay at your place. It seemed like a good idea to go work out and then head home. If I didn’t hate TV dinners, I would’ve nuked one in the microwave and sat down to watch a movie. Instead, I ordered an olive, pineapple, Canadian bacon, and green pepper pizza. Just the way you like it.
Now, you’ll ask again why I didn’t come back to your house. There’s a lot of noise in my head. I have to deal with it. Tomorrow I have another emergency therapy session. While we’re on that topic, I want to make this clear:
We were never fuck buddies.
I was pretty good at lying and making you believe what you want to think.
I’m sorry for making you feel like you weren’t enough. You were my everything. I don’t know what would’ve happened to me if you hadn’t been there.
Tucker was my first crush. You were my first love. I let you believe that because if I didn’t, you’d insist on me coming out. You were ready to draw hearts with our initials on trees. I thought that if I buried that part of my life, we’d be safe.
Why did I do all that?
My mother tried to kill me. She was supposed to protect me, and she didn’t. What could I expect from anyone else?
If Tucker almost got raped because I kissed him on the cheek, what would other men do to you if they learned that we were together? I couldn’t lose you. You’re too important to me.
I told you once that you deserved better. It was because of my fear of losing you to some crazy homophobic. Everything I did was wrong, but it seemed right in my head. This is the result of childhood trauma and PTSD. I’m sorry for everything I did to you. If you believe that there’s no going forward from here, I’ll accept it.
Love,
Ethan
From: ZJH <[email protected]>
To: EDK <[email protected]>
Subject: Enough
You have to learn to be enough to yourself first and foremost. You need to stop living in fear of an ending. Stop being afraid of what never was, or you’ll never enjoy what’s happening today.
I’m sorry for everything that you endured. It’s going to take me time to understand what happened between us. The fog you created is too thick for me to see anything. If anything, maybe some of the bitter memories I have might become part of my favorite repertoire.
Let’s not be weird tomorrow,
Z
From: EDK <[email protected]>
To: ZJH <[email protected]>
Subject: Not Awkward
It seems like we can survive without being awkward and avoiding each other. Is it too soon to ask: Where do we go from here?
Love,
Ethan
From: ZJH <[email protected]>
To: EDK <[email protected]>
Subject: New York?
I thought we wouldn’t be looking for excuses to skip the weekends together.
Why did you have to go to New York?
Do you work on Saturdays?
Is it because I went on a date with Hannah’s friend?
It’s good to meet other people and make new friends. If you must know, things didn’t work out at all. She doesn’t have a sense of humor. She was more interested in learning about my life as a rock star. It was so long ago, and these people are still fixated on us. Why?
It’s not glamorous. You work your ass off practicing, playing, and traveling. I loved what I did, but I wouldn’t do it again. The price we paid was too high. Look at us. We’re just finding our footing.
Do you miss any of that life?
Z
From: EDK <[email protected]>
To: ZJH <[email protected]>
Subject: Missing parts?
You might freak out by my answer. I won’t apologize. I miss spending my nights with you.
My mother lives in New York. I had to visit her since last Wednesday was her birthday. Sometimes I wonder how she’ll react if I say, “I’m still bisexual, and by the way, I’m not going to be paying for this expensive apartment anymore.”
She lives in a small studio on Park Avenue. Yet, another mistake I made in my twenties. I wonder how she’s going to react when I come out to her. I should have Clint search through her house to make sure she doesn’t own a gun.
I wish I could tell you that I’m sorry the date didn’t work out, but I’m practicing transparency these days. Also, I will give you a tip, not everyone gets your humor. You might want to live with that.
Love,
Ethan
From: ZJH <[email protected]>
To: EDK <[email protected]