“One of the billion bad decisions I made during my twenties,” I say lightly.
He nods. The kettle whistles. He turns off the stove, takes the kettle, pours the water in the mug, and then inserts an infuser. He settles it right in front of me and places a jar of lavender honey next to it. “Here, this will help you.”
I add some honey to my tea. When I’m done, I read the label. “You are still going to Luna Harbor?”
“Only when I need supplies,” he states. “I love the place. One day I’m going to buy a house and move there.”
“You should sell the cottage.”
He shakes his head. “I bought it for you.”
“Is this weird?” I ask, sipping the tea.
He rubs the left side of his chest. “No. It’s painful, but not weird.”
He makes himself some tea too, but I notice he grabs a different flavor. “We have a lot of history. Your actions hurt us both. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you to live in hiding. I was an asshole too. It wasn’t all you.”
“Afraid,” I confess.
“What?”
“I lived in fear,” I add. “What if someone tried to kill me because I was with a guy, but what I was most afraid of is that someone would hurt you because of me. It was a lot of internalized fear.”
He frowns. “You never told me that.”
“I learned to lie and to hide the truth from everyone, even from myself,” I explain to him. “There are a lot of things that I should’ve told you, but it made more sense to keep them inside.”
His lips press tight into a grimace. After a couple of seconds, he says, “You were living your own hell.”
“I was,” I agree. “That’s why Luna Harbor was my favorite place. It felt safe, like a haven. No one cared who we were, what we did. I could be myself…”
I stop myself from finishing that sentence. I don’t think he wants to hear that what I loved the most was that I could be myself with him. Instead, I drink some of the tea. It tastes like lavender and peach.
“So, you’re really out of the closet, huh?”
“Yes. I’m not introducing myself as, Ethan Killion, CEO of HANNETH and bisexual. However, I’m more open about it.”
“I’m happy for you,” he says with a genuine smile.
“What about you?” I ask curiously. “Are you happy?”
He shakes his head. “Didn't you hear that I almost relapsed?” His voice is a tad frustrated. “I’ll get there. It’s a long process. I’m learning to love myself. I’m finally doing something I love. I got a new hobby. Alex is teaching me to build furniture. Our current project is a coffee table. This time though, I know I’m going to be okay.”
I can barely make out the last words he says. My eyes are closing. “Mind if I sit on your couch for a moment?”
“It's the tea I gave you,” he says with pride. “Why don’t you use my bed? It’s more comfortable.”
“Are you sure you don’t mind?”
He tilts his head toward the bedroom area. “Go. If you need to take a shower first, the towels are under the sink. You can borrow some sweats and a t-shirt from my closet.”
I do as he says, set my head on the pillow, and I’m lost to the world.
Chapter Eighteen
Zeke
No.
The answer to Ethan’s first text should have been, no, it’s not okay for you to come over. Or at least something like, we’re meeting at eight-thirty. Or try next year, once I have moved on.
It appears that I haven’t moved on, or I’m developing a serious crush on him, which is dumb.
Maybe I’m stupid.
I keep acting like an idiot around him. I set boundaries. I crossed them as quickly as a teenager breaks curfew when their parents aren’t watching.
Do you know what else is stupid? Offering Ethan to take a shower in my apartment.
No. There’s a worse thing I could do. Inviting him to sleep in my bed.
My foolishness knows no boundaries since I grab my phone and call Hannah immediately.
“Hey, I know you said you’d have everything, but do you want me to bring ice cream or a pie?” Hannah asks before I can speak. I’m sure she’s at the bakery pretending to buy sweets for me, when in fact we all know she’ll be the one eating them all.
“Do you mind if we cancel tonight?”
“Is it because I invited Ethan?” she groans.
“Yes,” I confirm while I use my computer to text Tucker and cancel on him too.
Zeke: Let’s reschedule for tomorrow.
Tucker: Why?
It takes me time to think about how to respond to their questions, which gives Hannah time to fire a statement that feels more like a dart than some nonsense words. “I thought you two were past the awkwardness. Were you just faking it again?”
Tucker is more understanding than Hannah—or he doesn’t give a shit. I choose to get rid of him before I continue my conversation with Hannah. “Give me a second.”
Zeke: It’s a long story.
Tucker: I’ll stay with my grandparents tonight. Text me tomorrow.
Why isn’t Nana as easy as Tuck?
“Zeke.” Her voice carries some annoyance and worry.
“We’re not faking anything, nor do we have an issue about being in the same room,” I correct. “Do you remember when he was so tired, he couldn’t fall asleep easily?”
“Yes?”
“Once he falls asleep, you shouldn't wake him up because he won’t be able to go back to sleep,” I remind her.
“Yes?”
“Well, I gave him some of my magical tea, and he’s about to fall asleep, so you can’t come over until tomorrow,” I answer.
“But you guys are okay?”
“Would I offer to help him if we weren’t okay?”
Her exasperated exhale can be heard all the way to Timbuktu. “Can I ask you something?”
“No,” I answer. “What happened between Ethan and me is not up for discussion. We’re not ready to talk about it, let alone discuss it with others.”
“I respect that,” she mumbles. “It’s just…I have a theory. You two weren’t just fuck buddies. I’ve been thinking, and you two were in love, weren't you?”
“See you tomorrow, Nana.”
If she had asked me this a few years back, the answer was simple. I was in love. He used me for sex. Now I’m not sure it was as black and white. That’s something I should discuss with someone once Ethan is asleep. Something else I should discuss, my lapse in judgment.
I put away the food, clear the kitchen, and go into the closet to change into a pair of jeans and a shirt. That’s when I notice him coming out of the bathroom.
Ethan wears only a towel. My gaze draws down his body like a magnet. The rippled muscles of his back make me drool. I want to push him against my bed and slide my hands over his hard body. Wrap an arm around his waist, grope his cock. Trail my hand over his hips, drag my tongue up and down his rock-hard abs as I reach his length and kiss his crown before I swallow him whole.
My heart pumps too much blood. Blood that’s bringing my dick to life.