This first day wasn’t any better than the others. There’s nothing more humiliating than having your new TA say, “Can I help you with anything, sweetie? Freshman orientation is that way. If you’re looking for Ms. Hades-Bell, she should be here soon.”
I glared at him and said, “I’m Hannah Hades-Bell. And if you ever talk to any of my students in that condescending tone, I’ll be filing a complaint to your academic advisor.”
That wasn’t all. I had two other professors confuse me for a student. A freshman, nonetheless. The new secretary in the English department asked me if I was visiting from high school.
Genetics, man. They really fuck you up in so many ways. I got my father’s musical talent but not his height. All my siblings are taller than me. Sadie, my stepmom, calls me her magical fairy as a way to make me feel better. It worked when I was nine or ten, but almost twenty years later? Not so much.
It usually takes me a couple of weeks to show my students that I might be small, but if they want to stay in my class, they better respect me and my rules—in that order.
Now that the day is over, it’s time to turn it around and make everything better. On my way to my apartment, I stop by the bakery.
The best way to deal with a bad day is with the three c’s: cookies, candy, and cabernet. Cake is sometimes a great addition to the repertoire, but today doesn’t call for it. Once I buy a big batch of cookies—enough to last me for a week—I go to the candy store. I get jellybeans, alcohol infused chocolate, and margarita flavored gummy bears.
When I get in the car, my phone rings.
“Hey, Dad,” I answer.
“How’s the first day, kid?”
I grunt and start the car.
“Crappy as usual. You know, they confused me for a freshman—AGAIN,” I growl, frustrated at the bitterness of this day. The start of each semester is like living on that Bill Murray movie, Groundhog Day.
After I tell him today’s tale, he laughs. I love this man, but seriously…couldn’t he fake it a little and feel sorry for me for a hot second?
“Am I entertaining you?”
He clears his throat. “You can’t take this away from me. You get to mock me for the rest of the year. Today is a special day for me.”
“Hmm, how’s it going, Dad?”
“Same old, same old. Except—”
“Ugh,” I interrupt him. This isn’t a good day to add some bad news. “Keep your bad news for the weekend.”
“It’s good, I think…” He pauses. “I was at the studio recording new music with Chris. You came up in the conversation.”
If he had stopped right at, “I’m recording new music with my mentor, Chris Decker,” I would be thrilled. The second sentence is what’s bothering me. When the Deckers talk about me, there’s nothing good to follow.
“Let’s be clear.” I try to sound firm. “I’m not doing a concert or playing with the band for some fundraiser. My life as a performer and a musician ended forever ago.”
Sinners of Seattle broke up years ago. Though, I’m still close to my guys. We’re a family. Music will always live in me but going back isn’t an option.
“That’s not it,” Dad says. “I know you’re done with that part of your life.”
Not done, more like I pushed it down to the bowels of hell and that’s where it’ll stay forever. Do I miss playing music? Sometimes...so much so that, at times, I wonder if I should buy a piano...
“Hey, kid, don’t go silent on me. Chris mentioned he could get you a teaching position up here in Seattle. If you ever want to come back home.”
“I love my job, Dad,” I reply, before we start a conversation that goes deeper than I could handle. I stop him because I know what’s next. “Dad, I have one more errand to run. Can I call you later?”
He sighs and says, “Sadie and the kids say hello.”
“Tell Mom I’ll call her later.”
By later, I mean in a week or so. Sadie, my stepmom, is cool. The best. I love her so much. But she’s running a big campaign to get me back to Seattle. She told me as much during Christmas.
“I understand, but don’t you think enough time has passed, Hannah?”
Time is relative. For some, a minute can feel like a second, and for others, an eternity. A lifetime will never be enough.
“We love you, Hannah.”
“Me too, Dad.”
I hang up the phone, pressing the remote to open the door to the underground garage of the apartment complex where I live. I didn’t lie when I said I had to run one more errand. I just didn’t tell him the whole truth. The liquor store is just a block away from my place. There’s no point in driving there. At least, I’m walking off all the cookies I plan on eating.
The incoming text is no surprise.
Mom: Don’t just eat candy and cookies. I’ll order Chinese food.
I roll my eyes; Sadie knows everything I swear. Maybe I’m too predictable. Either way, I respond right away before she ends up calling me.
Hannah: Love you!
Mom: Call me soon.
I smile and take my stuff to my apartment before I run my last errand. When I arrive at the liquor store, Rafa, the owner, greets me.
“It’s your lucky day. We got a new shipment of Ruffino rose wine. Where is your partner-in-crime?” he asks, and my head drops.
When he mentions my best friend’s favorite wine, it feels like a knife stabbing my lonely heart. Asking where my partner-in-crime is…that’s just twisting it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for June. She’s living her fairytale in Colorado. She has a hot fiancé, and they’re expecting three babies.
“Today, it’s just me,” I tell him and walk to the cabernet aisle.
“Where is your friend? I haven’t seen her since before the holidays.”
“She moved to Colorado…” Last week, she visited me and confirmed my suspicions: she’s gone for good.
It was the saddest day of my life. She’s my person. We met when I moved next door to her. We used to binge watch our favorite movies. Every weekend, when she was around–and single—we strolled around town. We call each other when we’re in trouble. But now she’s gone.
What am I supposed to do now?
“Don’t worry, you have enough customers to keep you in business.”
Rafa laughs and shakes his head.
I rummage through the shelves, searching for just the right cabernet that will make this day manageable. When the bell above the door sounds again, my stomach flips. I can sense him. Looking around, I’m not sure if I can hide before he sees me. Then again, there’s no way to hide. He’ll find me because there’s only one reason why he’s here. Me.
“Did you bring your fake ID?” he asks.
“Go away, Alex,” I say, without giving him a glance. “Why didn’t you send it with a courier and saved us both the trouble of having to deal with each other?”
I feel the warmth of his body when he’s close enough and know that if I turn around, our feet will touch. Of all my Groundhog Day traditions, he’s the one I want to avoid this year.
“She warned me not to do that…More like threatened me,” Alex replies, with humor in his voice.