“I thought you didn’t want me to think about Titan and his weird tastes in porn,” I tease.
“I don’t. In fact, maybe it’d be better if you never said his name out loud again,” he grumps, making me giggle. “I’m being serious!”
“I know. That’s why it’s so cute.”
“You’re working up for a spanking, Maggie May,” Bryant warns—or promises. A shiver of pleasure moves through me, and from the sparkle in Bryant’s eyes, I know he doesn’t miss it. “Anyway, I had your mother drop that DVD here when she stocked the place.”
All signs of pleasure leave me as my body tenses and my eyes go wide.
“You did what?” I gasp.
“Yeah, so I’m thinking your mother is the reason porn-a-palooza is here,” he confesses.
I try to talk, but for a minute, I’m not able to form words. “You really are insane!” I finally squeak. “So hairy beaver movie was probably another one of my mother’s Easter egg surprises! Oh God, I’m scared at what else we’ll find.”
“It could be fun,” he says, with a half shrug, and now I know he is insane.
“If you, Bryant Beauregard Matthews, think for one minute that we will have fun with anything my mother brought into this house, you best think again. That is not happening.”
“Ouch,” he says, scrunching up his face as if he just received a physical blow. “Low blow bringing out the middle name, Magnolia Tree.”
“It’s Marie,” I snort. “It says so on the birth certificate.”
“Only because of an overzealous nurse and Ida Sue not catching it,” Bryant returns.
“You’re too cute to be a smartass, Bryant. Stop,” I mutter, making him laugh. I close my eyes and enjoy the sound. When I open them again, a small yawn escapes me. “Do you think we should scavenge the house and see what else Mom has left rather than leave them up to chance?” I ask, trying to not freak out that my mother has left things around the house designed to get me laid….
“Where’s your sense of adventure, Maggie?” he teases, making me roll my eyes.
“Fine, but if I find the ball stretching clamps first, I’m using them,” I huff.
“The what?” Bryant questions, and I think I see fear on his face, and that makes me happy because he really should be scared.
My mother is crazy.
23
Bryant
“That’s a lot of…”
“Stuff?” Maggie supplies.
We’re staring down at a huge pile of… stuff that Maggie took it upon herself to find. By stuff, I’m totally talking about sex toys. The amount that Maggie found is kind of staggering, if you think about it. I’m thinking that Ida Sue must have cleaned out an entire adult novelty shop. I haven’t seen this many fake dicks since well… Okay, since I don’t really look at fake dicks, that would be never. I tried to count them but lost count at somewhere around thirty. I don’t really know whether to laugh or worry about the fact Ida Sue thinks my dick has been removed or broken.
It also looks like an X-rated rainbow blew up in here. There’s dicks of every color—red, green, blue, turquoise, black, white, peach—just to name a few. I even spotted a florescent lime green that fades into lemony yellow.
I bend down to pick up this long wand that looks like a throwback from the seventies tie-dye. It’s about three feet long—I’m not even joking—and made of what I think is glass. The ends are shaped and made like a giant dick. I’m not a small man, but the size of this make me a little self-conscious—like, damn.
“What in the fuck does your mom expect us to do with this?” I mutter, wondering if I need to have a talk with my mother-in-law to explain to her that some ports of entry in my body actually do not have entry.
“Or this,” she says, letting a black leather ball gag dangle from her finger.
“Well, now, that might come in handy when you’re arguing with me,” I point out—only half kidding. That’s when Maggie turns it so that I can see the ball part actually looks like a giant eyeball. Then, she goes one step further and flips a switch on the leather and the eyeball lights up.
“Oh really?” she says, her voice full of snark.
“That’s enough to give a man nightmares,” I admit, making her laugh. “Have you thought about getting your mother in therapy?”
“Cute, Matthews. I’ll tell her you suggested that the next time I see her,” she threatens.
“You wouldn’t,” I deny, shaking my head no, but I have a feeling she is going to do it. I may need a place to hide for a few days.
“Do you think we’ve got all of it?” Maggie asks, letting the ball gag drop down to top the pile.
“Baby, we have enough here to open a store. I can’t imagine that there’s more out there to find.”
“This is my mother we’re talking about,” she mumbles.
“What are we going to do with it all is my question. We could start a bonfire, I guess,” I suggest.
“That seems so wrong,” she answers. “I mean, can you imagine the money it cost to buy all of this stuff?”
“Maggie, I love you, but most of this shit, I’m not going to use on you.”
“That seems rather cut and dry,” she mutters. “I mean, what about this,” she asks, picking out one of the smaller dildos. “I mean, it’s painted like a pack of Lifesavers. Every girl should have a Lifesaver,” she says a smile on her face.
“Not happening. The only dick getting inside your body is mine, Maggie May.”
“Spoilsport,” she laughs. “We could donate it all…”
That makes me laugh. “Where in the hell are you going to donate it?”
“Is there a home for women who like dick but don’t want the rest of the package they come attached to?”
“I’m pretty sure I should feel offended there,” I complain.
“That’s what I love about you, Bryant. You’re just so smart,” she sasses.
“Maybe you’re right. I mean this Vagi-nator Three-Thousand looks interesting,” I tell her picking up what can only be described as scary. There are two holes. One is large, the other small. It’s basically a large tube that’s attached to a silicone version of a woman’s pussy—a well-used one, since the first hole for sliding my dick inside is kind of large. I mean, it looks like it has given birth to triplets with heads the size of watermelons. Although, the smaller hole I think is supposed to be a backdoor entrance—as it were.
“You can use it if you want. I’ll watch,” Maggie says, barely able to contain her laugh.
“I can’t see how anyone could find this sexy, Maggie. It makes my dick want to hide,” I tell her honestly.
“Oh lover, maybe you just need to be more adventurous.”
She reaches over and pushes a button and instantly, the thing in my hand begins to vibrate. I drop it quickly. When I look down, the fake lips on the thing begin clenching—opening and closing faster than that chick’s mouth in the porn movie, as she tried to satisfy all the men—who, for some weird reason, kept delivering pizzas.