Sera: Oooh, I’m so scared.
ObiWan: You.
* * *
ObiWan: Should.
* * *
ObiWan: Be.
* * *
Sera: Bring it, nerd.
Oh, I’ll bring it all right. I’ll bring it big time.
Thirty-Seven
Serafina
Standing in the wings of the Wake Up America! set, I listen while Hal says, “When we come back from commercial break, Serafina and Ben will tell us all about their trip to the Kennedy Space Center!” The live audience claps like they’ve just been promised a brand-new Buick, Oprah-style.
As soon as I hear, “We’re in commercial.” I hurry out on set and sit down. There are four chairs instead of two, which is the tip-off that Hal and Lacey are going to be sitting in.
As Ben takes the seat opposite mine, I whisper to Lacey, “I didn’t think you guys were going to be sitting in on our segments anymore.”
“Just this once. The producer said something about having concerns about you and Ben?”
“What concerns?” I demand. So help me, if Ben ruins this publicity opportunity for me, I’m going to send daily glitter bombs. Speaking of which, I can’t help but smile when I see some shiny flecks coming from his hairline. Looks like my first offering has already arrived.
“We’re back in five, four, three…” someone off set counts.
“Welcome back to Wake Up America!” Lacey practically shouts. “Serafina and Ben are back from their trip to Cape Canaveral, and they have a lot to tell us. Isn’t that right, Ben?”
“Sure,” Ben says but doesn’t offer anything more.
“Tell us about it,” Hal encourages.
“It was hot.” Ben looks beyond annoyed.
I decide to do my part to keep the conversation rolling. “As you know, Hal and Lacey, Florida is a steamer this time of year, but the Space Center didn’t fail to deliver its one-of-a-kind, out-of-this-world excitement.”
They both turn to me while Ben stares daggers at me. I continue, “I, for one, have been there no fewer than a half a dozen times and I can’t get enough.”
“What do you like about it most?” Hal asks.
“When you see all of those rockets and shuttles and realize they’ve all been to outer space, it’s, well, it’s just awe-inspiring.” I’m playing my part of the happiest woman on the planet. My face is so frozen into place, my cheeks are starting to cramp.
“I think something else happened in Florida too, am I right?” Lacey asks with a secretive smile on her face.
Damn, I thought Waltraut was going to tell the producers the kiss tape was off limits. I decide to play dumb on the off chance she’s talking about something else. “What are you referring to, Lacey?” Then I shoot her a panicky look that doubles as a plea not to do her job and show the tape of our kissing.
Ben seems to finally clue into what’s about to go down, because he jumps to his feet and starts to babble, “I’d like to take a moment and tell our viewers about the fantastic opportunity to send their kids to space camp. The program includes a full week of space activities, like the anti-gravity simulator. All meals and snacks, and even a graduation ceremony and certificate, are provided at no additional cost!” He sounds like he’s trying to sell blenders on late night television.
Hal interrupts him, “I hear you two got to actually suit up and visit the moon. That had to be fun.”
Rats, here we go. We watch the television monitor off-set, the same one I know they’ve cut to on camera. Ben and I are hand-in-hand, walking toward the photo op. Video Ben says, “I can’t wear that. How long has it been since it’s been cleaned?” The audience laughs. When he says “You can’t wear loafers in space,” they’re in near-hysterics.
Then, as expected, they’ve spliced the tape together to show us against the green screen, followed by the photographs we were given at the end — us in the space shuttle, floating in space, and on the moon. As I watch, I feel like a defendant in a courtroom waiting for the jury to come back with a death sentence.
Lacey looks into the camera and announces, “Just when you think Ben and Serafina will never like each other…” We all turn to look at the screen as our first kiss is unveiled right there on national television. Words escape me. That is one hot kiss and even though I’m annoyed it ever happened, my skin still heats up like I’m a pig on a spit.
The audience oohs and ahs, whistles and claps. Hal interrupts them by asking, “Is there something you two kids want to tell us?”
I merely look down and stare at my hands while shaking my head.
Ben, on the other hand, announces, “I’ll tell you what happened. Serafina here laid on the charm super thick during our trip and I momentarily lost my mind.”
“Are you saying that what we just saw was a one-off?” Lacey asks.
I say, “Yes,” at the same time Ben gives a firm, “NO!”
It’s no wonder they turn away from me and give Dr. Banana Pants all the attention. Ben says, “I thought Serafina and I were actually a couple. But then she came over to my apartment and poisoned my cat.”
What? “I did not poison your cat! I wanted him to like me and the lady at the deli suggested Cheez Whiz.”
“Mr. Spock is lactose intolerant and he nearly exploded as a result of all the cheese you gave him.”
“How was I supposed to know that?” I demand. “Of course, it should have occurred to me that your cat would be just as persnickety as you are.”
He glares at me for a long second. “You really are evil, aren’t you? Making fun of an innocent cat with a medical condition?”
“I was making fun of you, bonehead.”
Nostrils flaring, Ben snaps, “I’m not persnickety.”
Mimicking him, I say, “I can’t wear a space suit if anyone else has ever been in it. How often do you clean these things?” I thought the audience would laugh along with me, but they’re so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
“I’m not the one who walked out for no reason.” He’s jabbing his finger in my direction like it’s a weapon.
“No reason, you say?” I turn to the camera and continue, “Oh, I had a reason.” Then I announce, “I was sitting on Ben’s couch minding my own business when his phone started pinging like someone was sending Morse code. I picked it up to make sure there wasn’t an emergency and that’s when I discovered that Dr. Banana Pants here is seeing another woman.”
The audience releases a collective gasp that I find quite satisfying.
“You looked at my messages?” Ben asks incredulously. “That’s a violation of my privacy.”
“You slept with me, all the while knowing you were going to get engaged at Gwen’s sister’s engagement party,” I spit. “That’s a violation of decency!”
His head snaps back and he sputters a bit before he manages to say, “Get engaged? What are you talking about?”