The audience gives them a round of applause, then they wait to see what’s going to go down next.
“Gwen, you must have been absolutely humiliated by Ben’s last appearance on our show,” Lacey says, before holding the mic up to Gwen’s mouth.
“I was very angry at Ben. But I just want to point out that I didn’t do anything wrong by taking him to my cousin’s engagement party. People go out as friends all the time.”
“I don’t know,” Lacey tells her. “You did lie to your family about Ben being your boyfriend.”
Gwen’s face turns red. “Sometimes you have to stretch the truth when people won’t stay out of your personal business.” She glares at her aunt.
June pulls the microphone to her and loudly declares, “We’ve forgiven Gwen. In fact, I may have been a little … pushy about setting her up with my chiropractor, Dr. Kwak.”
“I know you only had my happiness in mind, Aunt June.” Gwen pulls her aunt in for a hug.
“What do you say, Gwen? Do you forgive Ben?” Lacey interjects.
I give her a pleading look before she finally says, “Yes, I do. Ben’s been trying to make it up to me ever since that episode and I don’t think a jerk would go to all that trouble.”
“It’s true,” June says. “He sent lovely flowers, then he had a most interesting singing telegram come by the house. The tallest woman I’ve ever seen dressed like Cher. She even let me video her on my camera so we can enjoy her performance again and again.”
“So, you forgive him too?” Lacey asks June.
“I do,” she answers with a nod. Smiling up at me, she says, “I think you’ve learned your lesson, young man.”
Gwen cuts in with, “Lacey, I’d like to clarify something. Ben and I went on one date, but we both agreed that what we had was the beginning of a great friendship. When I asked him to go with me to the engagement party, it was only as a friend, even though we did mislead my family.”
Lacey turns back to the stage. “What do you think about that, Serafina? Does that change anything for you?”
My heart stops while I wait for her to answer. The entire studio goes completely silent as she parts her lips. She doesn’t speak right away, though. Instead, she looks at me and gives me the tiniest nod I think I’ve ever seen. Then she says, “I made some mistakes, too. I should have stuck around when Mr. Spock got sick, and I should have told the truth about being the one to give him Cheez Whiz. On that note, I shouldn’t have sprayed Cheez Whiz all over the coffee table. I also should have never looked at Ben’s phone without his permission.”
Relief fills my body, making me feel like a helium balloon lifting off. “I should never have signed up for your dating app. And I should have told you that I did the moment things between us shifted from colleagues to, well, something more.” I continue, “Serafina, I miss you so much. I can hardly breathe, as corny as that sounds. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I certainly can’t laugh without you. I’ve spent the last two weeks pretty much positive that I ruined my only shot at happiness, because even though statistically there should be several thousand women I’d be compatible with in New York, I’m convinced that you’re the only one who could ever make me feel so alive and so happy. You’re the only one I’ve ever fallen so wonderfully, stupidly, in love with.”
The audience lets out a collective “Awwww …” then someone shouts, “Kiss him!”
Serafina smiles at me, but she still looks worried. “I don’t know, Ben. It’s one thing to dress up in that outfit and say nice things, but you wanted to ruin my business. I just don’t know if I can trust you.”
Swallowing hard, I tell her, “I wouldn’t trust me either, which is why I contacted Charley and asked if I could help run a few numbers for you regarding your dating app.”
I smile at Charley, who’s sitting in the audience. She looks at Serafina, gives her a shrug, then shouts, “Turns out, he’s really good at math.”
“Not to toot my own horn, but I really am. And what I discovered, based on the beta testing of your dating app, is that couples who participated had a fourteen percent chance of finding someone compatible, which is remarkable given the small sample size. When I compared the questionnaire you designed to those of the top five dating sites — not including those intended for hookups — I discovered that yours creates a much more comprehensive picture of each person than the usual sites. Setting aside star signs, your questions manage to get to the heart of who a person is, what their beliefs are, and what their quote-unquote love languages are. You and Charley have created what could become the most effective means of finding love ever—”
I’ve never wooed someone with my math skills, but I know I’ve succeeded when Serafina jumps up and throws herself into my arms. After spinning her around, I reach up so I can hold her cheeks in both hands and kiss her with everything in me. I only pull back long enough to say, “This is an I’m sorry, I love you, I missed you, and I want to be with you forever kiss.”
The first few bars of “If I Could Turn Back Time” suddenly blare over the speakers. Serafina and I step back and watch as a giant man in drag struts out onto the stage. This must be Madonna from Drag-o-Grams. All I can say is, wow!
When she turns to the audience and serenades them in a pitch-perfect Cher impersonation, it isn’t long before everyone is singing along with her.
I lean down and whisper in Serafina’s ear, “I guess this is our song.”
“It’s a little strange, but it really can’t be helped, can it?” She smiles back at me.
“Nope, there’s nothing we can do about it.”
“You do realize the odds are very high that we are it for each other. I crunched the numbers and came up with ninety-eight point six nine five percent, actually.”
“Nerd,” she says while snuggling into me.
“And proud of it.”
Epilogue
Serafina
“Ben, the timer on your oven just went off!” I call out to my fabulous boyfriend of three months. We’ve been practically inseparable since we made up on Wake Up America! So much so, that even Mr. Spock lets me snuggle with him. When a cat you’ve inadvertently almost exploded doesn’t hold a grudge, that’s a pretty good sign.
If I had to guess, I’d say that Mr. Spock is an Aquarius. This insight has helped me understand his innate needs. Traditionally of a water sign, Aquarians don’t hold a single clear shape and they defy categorization. Simply knowing this quirk helps make it easier to accept their moods.
My relationship with Ben’s cat has started me on a path of exploring a new category for my app, Your Pet and Their Star Sign. I’ve even spoken with Ben’s workmate Carla several times about her dog Chewy’s anal sac situation. When I found out Chewy was born on July 10th, making him a Cancer, so many parts of his personality became clear. Cancers demand a lot of attention in their relationships. Chewy was smart enough to discover that when he dragged his bum against the carpet, he got a lot more attention. So, Carla learned to ignore the behavior and now gives him lots of love just for lying quietly on his bed.