There are so many questions, so many decisions to make, but right now, that’s all I want. I want him to make love to me. I want nothing more than for him to love me.
Charlie
It’s not the sunlight that wakes me. It’s not my alarm clock, or the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. It’s the instant knowledge that she’s in my arms.
Maybe I was dreaming of her, I don’t know. But in one second, I knew it was real, she was here and I had to wake up. I had to be awake to take her in and make sure I still had her.
I lost her once, and I’ll never lose her again.
Never.
She shifts slightly, her soft body going a bit stiff. I can feel the warmth from her, but there’s space between us.
Too much space.
Especially knowing… she loves me. My heart clenches as I wrap my arm around her and pull her closer to me. Nestling her ass right where it belongs, up against me. I lean forward, planting a kiss on her slender neck and waiting for her to turn to face me.
The sheets rustle as she shifts slightly and then rolls fully in my arms so we’re face to face. Those beautiful lips of hers turn up slightly, but it’s a sad smile.
“Charlie,” she starts, her eyes falling to the pillow as she pushes her messy hair out of her face.
“Whatever you want to hear, I’ll say it.” My voice is flat and hard, leaving no room for negotiation. Her eyes dart up to mine with a flash of something, something that’s gone before I can recognize it.
“What?” Her eyes search mine as she takes in a slow breath.
I try to steady my own breathing, wanting nothing more than to take her right here and now, but her eyes are holding me in place. They see through me, willing me to give her more.
“I want you,” I breathe my answer. I’ve never wanted someone or something so damn much. Nothing more than I want her right here, right now.
“For what?” there’s a vulnerability in her eyes as she swallows thickly and adds, “Why? Not because you feel obligated--”
“Stop. No, that’s not why. Don’t ever think that,” I answer quickly, not wanting her to ever get that idea in her head.
“You don’t understand,” her voice wavers and she shakes her head slightly, the wind brushing the hair from her face. “You want this, just what we have right now.” She says the words like it’s a bad thing.
“Of course I do.”
“I want you anyway I can have you. Like this, with a baby, with no baby. I’m so willing to… I don’t know how to explain it but it… It doesn’t… I don’t want to force you into something or be with someone… who…”
I cup her head with the back of my hand, waiting for her look at me. “Grace. I can’t tell you what I will want a year from now. Shit, I don’t even know what I'll want a month from now, but I'll want you in my life. I want you.”
“I want you, but I want a family, too. I just wish it hadn’t happened like this and the last time I saw you…” Her voice carries the same no-bullshit attitude as mine and she holds my gaze.
My heart beats loud in my chest and I swallow thickly, still holding her gaze.
I lick my lips, feeling my pulse race as I splay my hand on her lower back and pull her close to me. “I was a fool and I’m sorry. But I’m here now; I’m not leaving and I don’t want you to walk away from me.”
“I don’t want to walk away.” Grace huffs a sad laugh, shaking her head. “But you know me. And I know you,” she swallows, her voice cracking. “And if it’s not what you want... then we can work something else out and I’ll survive.” Tears form in her eyes and I shush her, rubbing her back and kissing her forehead.
She doesn’t stop, she lets it all out. “I love you and if this stays the way it is… I know I’ll let it be whatever you want it to be. I’ll let time go by. I’ll let you never commit to me. I’ll be sacrificing something I may never be able to have, and I’ll regret it. And Charlie, I want this baby. I’m so damn sorry, but I want a family too,” she wipes her nose with the back of her hand and then under her eyes with her fingers, all the while shaking her head. “I love you, but I want a family. I want a loving family. I don’t want to trap you or…”
I pull her back some by her shoulders so she can look at me as I say, “I want a wife, I want a baby. I want to fill my house with pictures of my kids and clutter from all those little toys.”
She’s still wiping away tears as I add, “Come move in with me. Let’s try this for real.” It’s not fucking around or a game, or pretend or a stupid drunken deal. I want to put my all into this, for her and for our future.
“Not for any other reason than to see if we can make this work?” she asks me. Right then and right there, I know how the rest of my life is going to be. She’s going to be right by my side if I can help it. I know with everything in me that we will make it work. Because she wants this and so do I. It’s easy between us. It always was. I was the reason we were apart. If I give her this, it’s over. I’m done for. She’ll have me wrapped around her finger and knocking her up again in no time. I search her eyes and all I see there is love.
It’s what I feel for her, too.
“I already know we work Grace. You’re my sweetheart.” I answer her with the only truth I know. “I want to be with you and that’s the only answer there is. I love you, Grace.”
Grace
Unwrapping a stack of plates, I move from the living room into the open-concept kitchen. The theme of this room must be gray, because the appliances, the countertops, and even the cabinets are gray and smooth. I set the plates down and open all the cabinets, searching for the place where the plates belong.
I find them in the last cabinet I open, far away from Charlie’s stove and refrigerator. Picking up my plates, I sigh as I move them into the cupboard. This is the third area of Charlie’s house I've found to be disorganized while in the process of moving my stuff in. Thankfully, he’s fine with me moving everything around. Like, actually good with it. He didn’t just say it to appease me, which is what I was afraid of. Most of the house was empty, with all of my things in here now, it’s... well it’s still a bit bare. We’ll make this house a home though. Charlie tells me that every night.
With a pleasant warmth running through me, I shut the cabinet door softly and count the days again. It’s been almost a month. I’m exhausted, which is apparently normal for the first trimester, but more than that, I’m still in awe that this is really my life.
I got the Prince Charming I longed for. My hand slips to my lower belly. Together, we’ll have a family.
Sooner or later, I’m going to break down and reorganize the kitchen, the bathroom, and the laundry room. I would do it now, but I don’t want to freak Charlie out… although Ann says when I start nesting, I won’t have much of a choice.
Back to the living room, I pick up the now-empty box that previously held the plates. Breaking it down, I fold it flat so it will be easier to take out to the recycling later.