“That’s not true,” I said. “A man can show any emotion when it’s needed. You’re never less because you’re crying or emotional. You’re the best kid, and if you need to cry, today or any day, you can.”
“Will it hurt Mom’s feelings if I cry for Shayla? Since she was my real mom?”
A pain sliced through my chest. I grabbed his hand, tugging him forward to hug him and quietly speak to him. “No, bud. It won’t hurt your mom. They are both your real moms. Okay? I swear. I’ll be by your side the whole time. If you need a break, grab my hand, and I’ll take you for some air.”
“I love you, Gunner,” Tuck whispered and I felt one of his tears hit my neck.
My eyes burned and I had to clear my throat as emotion welled inside me. “I love you too, Tuck.”
I squeezed him more tightly before standing and taking his hand in mine. Delilah was leaning against the wall. While Tucker was looking down, she mouthed, Thank you.
I nodded and walked to her, grabbing her hand. I wouldn’t let go of either of them today.
We arrived at the funeral home at the same time as Colt. He got out of his car, dressed in a black suit, and looked up at the gray sky. It smelled like rain was coming, but I hoped it held off long enough for the funeral.
We walked in and met Delilah’s parents in the lobby as the funeral director came out. “Are we ready?”
I walked, with a hand in Delilah’s and a hand in Tucker’s, into the viewing room. There were ten rows of pews. Tucker stopped in his tracks, staring at the casket at the front of the room. Only the slope of Shayla’s nose was visible.
Tuck squeezed my hand over and over again. I turned toward Delilah. “I’m going to take Tuck for some air.”
She nodded and ran her hand over the top of his head. “Do you want me to come, bud?”
He shook his head. “Just Gunner.”
She nodded, even as her eyes filled with tears. “Okay.”
I kissed Delilah’s cheek and headed toward the exit. There were a few people in the pews, but most of them were empty. My chest tightened. She deserved more than this. I didn’t know her, but I knew Delilah and her family. I knew that she’d birthed the little guy next to me, squeezing the life out of my hand. And for that alone, she deserved more than just the few people in there.
I pushed through the exit and took Tucker outside. The rain had started. It was a fine mist, not enough to make our clothes wet, but it was there. We stayed under the awning. Tucker bent in half putting his hands on his knees, and I placed my hand on his back.
“Do I have to go up there?” he asked.
“No,” I said. I hoped that was the right thing to say and that it wouldn’t come back to bite me, but if he couldn’t then he shouldn’t. I didn’t know if this was his first funeral or not, but at his age seeing someone in a coffin was scary.
Hell, it was scary at my age.
“You don’t have to go up there. It’s up to you. But if you do, it’s also up to you if you want to say anything to her or not. When my best friend died, I only said a few things. It was all I could handle. Some others talked to him for longer, but I didn’t need to say more.”
“Can she hear me in heaven?”
“I believe everyone who leaves us continues to watch over us and will send us signs, just when we need it. I stopped to talk to Declan’s headstone when I got to town. This huge gust of wind blew and tried to knock me on my ass. I knew that was him and he would’ve found it funny if I’d fallen down.”
“What’d you say to him when he died?”
“Cradle to grave. Sandbox to the pine box. Home plate to center field. And I said, ‘I love you, brother.’ We were best friends our whole lives and knew we would be until we died. He left too soon, but he’s with me every day. Shayla will be with you too. I know you didn’t get a chance to know her, but your mom will tell you all about her. They were best friends.”
Tucker nodded. “I’m ready.”
“Let’s do this, bud. Remember, I’ve got your back.”
We walked back inside, his hand still in mine. “What do you want to do?”
“I want to go up there.” His voice shook a little, but he stood tall and walked ahead of me. He stopped at the first pew looking for Delilah. She got up and walked with us to Shayla’s casket. I bent and lifted him so he didn’t have to stand on tiptoes.
A tear fell down his cheek, and I wiped it away with my thumb. Delilah rubbed his back and whispered, “She loved you, Tucker. I’ll tell you all about her one day.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“That’s okay, bud. You don’t have to say anything, or you can say whatever pops into your head.”
His brow wrinkled as he looked down at Shayla again. “I hope you stay with me like Declan stays with Gunner.”
Tucker looked at me and, with me holding him, we were face-to-face. He wiped away a stray tear from my cheek with his thumb.
After the funeral and burial, we went back to the inn. The kitchen staff had a meal ready for us. It was a quiet lunch. I walked Delilah and Tucker back to their cabin, keeping their hands in mine.
Delilah opened the door to the cabin and told Tuck to change and hang up his suit. She shut the front door after Tucker went inside. I didn’t know what was coming, but I knew I wouldn’t like it.
“Gunner,” Delilah said, putting her hands on my chest and looking at her shoes.
“Look at me, Delilah.”
She looked up with tears in her bloodshot eyes.
“Don’t do this,” I whispered.
“I need time,” she said. “Tuck needs time. I need to be there for him and focus on him.”
“I’d never ask you to focus on me and not him. Never. I want to be there for him too.”
“I need time,” she said.
“Is this it? We’re done? What the hell happened, Delilah? I love you. I fucking love you.”
She shook her head and looked at her shoes.
“No, please look at me.”
She slowly raised her eyes again. “I don’t know what this means, but I need space. I need time. I don’t know what Tuck is going to need, but he needs all of my attention. I can’t split it.”
“I’m not asking you to split it. I just want to be by your side while you focus on him.”
“When it comes to you, my attention is automatically split. How can it not be? I can’t be around you and not give you attention and love. It’s…”
“It’s natural and right because we belong together.”
“I can’t right now,” she said, shaking her head. “You’re leaving for Spring Training soon, and that’s going to crush Tucker. It really hit me on New Year’s Day when you started training more that you’re leaving in six weeks. And then you’ll be gone. I need to prepare him now. He’s already lost a lot. If this goes wrong, he won’t be okay. And all this happened so close to the holidays, I don’t want Christmas to be ruined for him, he barely smiled as he opened his gifts a couple weeks ago. I need to be with only him.”
“I’m coming back. Y’all are going to visit. This won’t go wrong, Delilah.” My heart was beating out of my chest and my gut was churning. I felt like I was standing in the middle of the train tracks watching the train come barreling down on me and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t stop her from doing this.