“I’m gonna hold you to that,” she vows.
That seems to remind Viktor of something else. “Hey, girlie, when’s our checkers rematch? I think I could play on Saturday afternoon around two.”
He makes it sound like his days are full from sunup to sundown and he’s penciling me into his busy schedule.
“Saturday sounds great, Viktor. But let me get this stuff with Noah and this video figured out before we make it a date, ’kay?”
I swear Viktor blushes, but then he remembers himself. “Riley, for a chance at a date with a pretty thing like you, I’ll block out my whole calendar this weekend.”
Hazel yanks her hand back from Viktor, who was still holding it gently. “We’re having breakfast on Sunday, you old rascal!”
“And we’re having dinner on Saturday,” Mabel says.
“Ladies, ladies . . . there’s plenty of Viktor to go around,” he tells them both, looking mighty pleased with himself.
Arielle rolls her eyes. “On that note, we’ll let you get to work. Let me know if I can do anything.”
“I will,” I tell her. “Oh, and Arielle . . . thank you. For everything.”
She smiles, but as she ends the Zoom call, I hear her telling everyone, “No, we cannot play hopscotch in the yard. I don’t care how much fun it was when you were a kid. You’ll break a hip!”
I laugh for a second, feeling better than I have since the fight with Noah. How could I have ever doubted how good the world is? I mean, I have so much. I have friends who care for me, who lift me up when I need it. I have nice people like the old folks at Arielle’s senior center who share wisdom and love with me. I have family, and a dog, and all of the things that I wanted when I was a little girl.
And I might still have a boyfriend.
Why should I complain about a gossip blog or even what a few people online have to say? I have my fans, and I care about them.
I do care.
What do I do with that?
I lean back in my chair, thinking and considering. The Crew gave me a lot to mull over. Noah’s words hit right to my gut, and even some of the negative comments have value, showing me where I could’ve done better.
To fix this, I need a plan. I think of calling Noah because planning is his superpower, but Riley Sunshine is my creation, my life. I’m going to do this on my own, I decide.
I take a deep breath, reach my arms up high overhead, and wiggle my whole body. I need to get out the nerves, the fear, and the insecurity because I’m about to do something I’ve never done before.
I don’t check my hair or makeup. I haven’t even brushed my teeth, and I’m still wearing the T-shirt and jeans that Eli and Arielle karaoke-napped me in.
But I turn on the ring light on my desk, set up my microphone, and look directly into the camera as I turn it on and hit Record.
I start by giving a Sunshine Salute.
“Hello, my Sunshiners! Riley here,” I begin before letting my voice become more serious. “First off, this isn’t going to be one of my usual videos, but I’d like to talk with everyone about a few things, if you don’t mind listening.”
I swallow thickly, digging deep for strength.
“A long time ago, I began sharing my life as Riley Sunshine to spread a little joy in the world. I wanted to encourage people to see the good in their everyday lives. Maybe even create some good to share it with others. And we’ve done that. I want to keep doing that with you. Because you matter to me, each and every one of you.”
“I read your comments, reply to your messages, and celebrate your joys right along with you. In a lot of ways, you’re my friends because I invite you into my life the way you invite me into yours. I do my best to share things I think will inspire you, or make you laugh, or that you’ll find interesting. But what I haven’t done is something I’ve always prided myself on . . . be real.”
“It’s not that I was hiding anything or faking it. But like a lot of us, I didn’t want to expose my vulnerabilities. Like now . . .” I gesture to myself, seeing how I look in the camera’s eye. “My hair . . . dirty bedhead. I have no makeup on because I’ve cried it all off. My friends dragged me out last night to make me feel better, so I’ve got fried mushroom farts and a hangover from a drink nearly the size of a water pitcher. And I had two of them. That’s the truth.”
I’m on a roll, the words coming easier and faster as I speak from the heart with no filter, no worries over how it’ll be taken, and no pressure to put a positive spin on everything.
“More truth? You see snippets of my day, but a lot of my time is spent sitting at my computer for hours on end with only Raffy to keep me company. I suspect a lot of you can relate to that. It makes meeting people difficult and forging those deep, meaningful personal connections that make a good life into something great even harder. So yes, I used a dating app, and I met someone wonderful. He’s smart and kind, funny and sexy, and all those things I said in my posts. That is real.”
I only hope I can still fix things with him. I don’t say that part, not because I’m hiding it but because that’s between Noah and me.
“And the truth is that people who use dating apps often just have a busy life, and you’re optimistic that someone’s out there for you. What can be more Sunshine than that?”
I pause and look directly into the camera. “But I was scared, afraid I wasn’t enough, worried you wouldn’t see me as Riley Sunshine if I admitted that things aren’t always sunshiny and that sometimes, I’m lonely. I thought you’d see me as less of the Riley Sunshine you expect and everything we’ve built together would disintegrate. Selfishly, I didn’t want that to happen, and so I wasn’t the me I should’ve been. I said something stupid and hurtful, and I’m sorry for that. To all my Sunshiners, I am sorry. To the people I insulted, I’m sorry.”
It won’t be enough for some people, no matter what. But a heartfelt apology is all I can offer right now. I have to hope that momentary words plus future actions that show how much I mean it will be enough.
“Someone wise told me that you need some rain to appreciate the sunshine. I guess I thought if I could pretend there was no rain and focus on only the positive, I’d be better off. But I think they were right. So I’m going to celebrate the rain too, jump in the puddles, let it run over me in rivulets that make me look and feel like a drowned rat, and live through it. Because it’ll make the sunshine feel that much better. I promise that I will do my best to be honest, real, and authentic with you. I’m going to share the great, the good, and the bad.”
“So, what now?” I ask them and myself. “I’m going to keep doing my job—sharing my life with you and hoping that we can share a little sunshine with the world. But first, I have some apologizing to do. I’m new at relationships—like, Moonlight Mark is the first guy I’ve ever loved sort of new—so I’m gonna mess up. But I’m going to learn and do better. He deserves that, and you know what? I do too.”
I shrug, plunging ahead. “And so do you. Learn something today—about yourself, about someone else, or about . . . I don’t know, weird animal facts or whatever interests you. Maybe it’s even this video, learning something about me, that I’m a real person who has a positive outlook but struggles too. I’d love to learn about you, too, the real you, if you’ll keep sharing with me.”