Konstantin laughed.
He actually laughed.
I nearly shot out my seat. “Are you laughing?”
“Forgive me, my Elena.” He managed to calm himself down long enough that he could speak. “I did not mean to laugh.”
My Elena. I only had a second to pick up the term of endearment before my anger took over.
“I’m glad I amuse you,” I all but hissed.
Konstantin bowed his head. “I do apologise. It just baffled me how intelligent you are and yet still...can be so clueless?”
Clueless? I nearly threw my wine on him. “What is that supposed to mean?”
He chuckled and shook his head. Then with blazing focus, he pinned his eyes on me, rooting me in place. “It means you are the most beautiful creature that has ever walked the earth. When I look at you, I see mountain peaks and flowers blooming for the first time. You are the stream running through the trees and the breeze rustling the leaves.
You could never be reduced to words such as pretty or cruel or kind. All the languages in the world could never find a term to do you justice, much less a throwaway compliment.” Konstantin didn’t lift his eyes from mine. I had been swallowed whole. “Describing you commands one’s entire mouth and an essay of idioms. There is simply no other way to define you.”
I couldn’t speak. My tongue weighed a thousand pounds in my mouth, my brain was a busted circuit.
“And you ask me if the world will think you’re not capable of loving your son. You ask me if you’re capable of loving anyone properly? Oh, lyubimaya, you are spilling with love. For a long time it might not have been for a person, but I read your words and saw your eyes light up when you spoke about data and laboratories. You have been a creature of love your entire life; loving people is just harder than loving things.”
I had to look down at my hands, breaking eye contact. Tears welled but I refused to let them fall.
“Why are you saying such nice things about me?” I asked.
“It is the truth,” he said. “You’re a person I love, and you needed to be reminded of why.”
I wasn’t looking at him so I couldn’t see his expression, but his voice was filled with nothing but adoration and kindness.
I dug my nails into my skin, feeling the piercing pain for a few seconds before releasing. The words in my head were screaming to get out, practically clawing their way up my throat.
I swallowed.
“I broke your heart, Konstantin.”
“An honor I would afford no one else.”
That undid me.
I looked up, meeting his stare. The twin browneyes were filled with no contempt or hatred, only endless love and pride. He looked at me like there was nothing else in the world; he made me feel like there was nothing else in the world.
I opened my mouth. “I–”
Them or you? Tatiana’s voice cut cruelly through my mind, slicing my sentence in half.
Them or you, Elena?
If anything ever happened to Konstantin, I would never be able to recover. And if it had happened because I was not strong enough? Because I had failed him?
Kon had never failed me. He deserved the same treatment.
I shot to my feet, wine falling and shattering. Blood-red liquid soaked the dining cloth.
“I have to go.”
“Elena–”
I ran.
I stumbled into the hallway, swallowing down air. I wanted my baby, I wanted my son. I wanted to hold his little face and shower him in kisses, I wanted to hear his sweet voice–
I came to an abrupt stop. The door to the lounge room was cracked open but no movie played on the screen. Instead, Roman sat on the floor, Evva in his lap, Niko on his right and Anton on his left. A book was open before them and Roman was reading aloud to the toddlers.
I felt wetness on my cheeks and a quick swipe with my hand revealed them to be tears.
Roman could read. He could read and he was reading to his niece and nephews.
My eyes couldn’t move away from my son. Niko was listening intently, pointing things out on the page and laughing at Roman’s funny voices for each character. He was happy and engaged, not afraid or uncomfortable. He acted like Roman read them stories every night and this was simply part of his life.
I had been so worried about breaking my heart that I hadn’t fully contemplated Nikolai’s heart.
Leaving his family…oh, God.
Pain struck my heart, and I clutched my chest on instinct. Was I really going to tear him away from them? Was I going to make him endure the same hurt I had three years ago?
What sort of mother did that make me?
I rested my head against the wall, listening to Roman’s rough voice.
What was the other options? I would rather have Nikolai alive and heartbroken rather than…I couldn’t even say it in my mind. I would do whatever it took to keep him safe–but what if keeping him safe meant I had to break his heart?
You stupid woman, I cursed myself. If your heartless younger self managed to fall in love with the Tarkhanov family, what did you think your son would experience? Did you really think you could visit his family like you were on a holiday and leave when your stay was up?
I dug my nails into the plaster.
Them or you? Tatiana’s voice echoed through my mind.
If anything happened to them, I could never recover. If something happened to Nikolai? Fuck, I couldn’t even fathom it.
We are your family, Artyom’s voice came to me quietly. Sister.
The wall groaned as my nails dug deeper.
It was Konstantin’s words that decided my solution, that helped me make up my mind. My Elena, oh my Elena. Lyubimaya. My soul, my heart.
“Neither,” I breathed, my decision finally revealing itself. “I choose neither.”
20
Konstantin Tarkhanov
For once, it was Elena who found me.
I opened my bedroom door, prepared to attend dinner, and found her standing in the hallway. She looked like she was deciding whether to knock or not, but I had made the decision for her. She almost jumped a foot in the air when I said, “Elena?”
Elena recovered quickly, tossing her hair over her shoulder. “Konstantin.”
“Is there a reason you’re haunting my doorway?”
Elena hadn’t spoken to me since the night before when I had lain my heart on the table. I hadn’t pushed her, but she had been able to feel my intense gaze over the breakfast table. Everyone had excused themselves early to escape the tension.
She jutted up her chin, pulling her shoulders back. The usual Elena defense position. “I’m here to talk to you.”
“I see.”
“We shouldn’t fight in front of the children,” she said. “Or the others. It’s unfair to them. Breakfast shouldn’t be so…awkward.”
“I agree.”
Elena crossed her arms over her chest. “I am here to apologize.”
“Very well.”
Her resolve broke within seconds. “Did you wake up cursed to two-word sentences?” she demanded. “Say something substantial.”
I leaned against the door arch. “I don’t want you to run away again so I’m choosing my words very carefully.”
Elena dropped her shoulders, pulled them back, then dropped them once more. An internal war was waging on in her mind, causing her to fidget with discomfort. What I would do to be able to see inside her mind, to understand the inner workings of the woman I loved.