It’s the look in her eyes that makes me follow her instructions. She looks at the closed door, then raises the volume of the white noise and comes back to sit on the bed. This time, she clutches both my hands and leans in.
“I know what you did, sweetheart,” she whispers, her warm breath washing over my face at her closeness. My heart starts beating so hard, it feels like it’s going to burst in my chest. “And I know what you’re doing now.”
“What?” I stutter. Does she know? “What did I do?”
“Hey, it’s okay, Mia,” she whispers. “I know why you’re doing this.”
“Doing what?”
“Pretending like you don’t remember.”
Ah shit. So much for my Oscar worthy performance of pretending.
I could try to act like I don’t understand what she means but that would just be a waste of time.
“How did you know?” I mutter, my cheeks flaming with embarrassment.
“I knew the meant you started you talking about that bastard beating Nancy up.”
Ah yes. She jumped in just like that and added more information about Nathan’s abuse and his manipulation that I had forced myself to forget.
“God, I had this feeling that you knew… especially when you jumped in about Nathan wanting to sell me years before.”
“Oh, Mia,” she cries. “I really thought you forgot about that night.”
“It all rushed back to me in the moment.” All of it. With vivid clarity.
“At first I thought you were just saying but I saw it in your eyes, you were remembering,” she says with a heavy sigh.
“So, what happens to him now?”
“The police are taking this matter seriously, and well, with yours and my statement, they have that sonofabitch in custody, but I know he’s going to fight it.”
He will. Especially if he sold me through a piece of paper to the Matthews.
“We just need to prove his connection to the Matthews family, don’t worry about it, Mia.” But she looks worried.
“I’m just tired of him always winning, taking advantage of us and using us to get what he wants,” I say seriously. “He has to go down for everything he did.”
“And he will, I promise you that,” she says seriously. “That man really did a number on me and my sister. But what he did to you… I can’t forgive that.”
I stare up at her, wondering how the cycle of abuse works.
I’ve been through hell and now, I’m wondering what would happen if I ever have kids. Will they go through some sort of vicious cycle of abuse, like my mother and aunt? Like me? Will they suffer like the women in my life have? Will they always be in danger? Who will protect them? Will I ever have kids?
I’m too young to be thinking of all that and maybe I now have paranoia but I can’t help it.
“I’m sorry,” I mumble. “I’m sorry for what you went through just to keep me.”
They should’ve just left me in that trashcan. I probably deserved to be thrown away.
“No, no, Mia, don’t you dare say that,” she says seriously, her eyes hard as she looks down at me. “Don’t you dare start blaming yourself! You didn’t do this! None of this is your fault.”
It’s not hers either.
“To be honest, if we go to the very beginning, the fault was—”
“It was grandma’s.”
She reels back, looking at me in shock. “You know?” she croaks.
“I heard.”
She stares at me for a moment. The silence in the room is telling and I wonder if I pushed her this time. I know the last time I saw her, before everything came crashing down around my feet with the arrival of Courtney, we were fighting. I blamed her for everything and now, after eavesdropping, I know she did her best with what she could. She is as much a victim in this as I am. I watch as her throat works, as if she’s trying to swallow her sobs.
“Well, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. You have always been a smart girl,” she says softly. “You were always listening, paying attention to your surroundings and the smallest details, even when it didn’t look like you were.”
Yeah, that thing about me, it’s both a blessing and a curse. I can recall every moment now, including the times Julian reached into my soul and yanked out my shattered heart, just to set it on fire. The fucked up thing though? We both stood back and watched it all turn to ash.
“Obviously I got it from you,” I mutter, relieved when she laughs at that.
“I was wondering when you’d realize that,” she says softly and I can’t help but smile, a part of my chest now warm and fuzzy. “Oh Mia, there’s a lot we need to talk about and sort out, especially what happened to you…”
“I…” I tremble, my heart starting pound again.
“Hey, it’s okay.”
“What did they tell you?”
“I don’t think we have to talk about that now. You just woke up.”
“Please, just tell me.”
“Well, the doctors said they didn’t find any scarring or evidence of sexual abuse in the form of penetration.”
A breath I didn’t know I was holding escapes my lips raggedly. I know Sean and Shane copped a feel, touching me in any way they wanted while I was both drugged and unconscious, but I know they were saving the theatrics for when Julian came.
They even had a camera set up, just in case he never did.
But still, another part of me tightens as I look down at my body.
Earlier, I made my way slowly to the bathroom and opened my robe to really look at my body. I’ve never been so disgusted with myself in my life. I have scars all over. My face… it’s a wonder Julian didn’t look as disgusted as I felt when I looked at myself in the mirror.
“What else did they say?” I question.
“Other than your amnesia—good job by the way with that one—you’ll need to rest for the next few weeks so that uh, your bruises and that gunshot wound can heal.” She gets choked up all over again. I grip her hand tighter than before and mutter that I’m all right over and over again until I’m forced to really make her listen.
“I’m going to be fine,” I look up at her. “Mom.”
She gasps so loud that I’m afraid the entire state of California heard her. And then the water works start.
Oh boy.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Julian
“Man, this is all fucked up,” Cole mutters as he paces in front of me, wringing his fingers against his palms.
I’ve only ever seen the jerk worried a few times in my life, but right now, he’s not worried, he’s scared, which is even more unsettling.
“That was pretty fucked up,” Liam blows up angrily, disbelief coloring his words.
“Dude,” Cole agrees solemnly.
“That bastard was willing to sell Mia like a fucking doll at a yard fucking sell and at that age?” Liam snaps.
They’ve been going on about that since everything went down. Liam came in as soon as the cops left and now, he and Cole are going through everything that happened in Mia’s room as if with a fine tooth comb. And all it’s doing is making me tick like a fucking time bomb about to go off.