I haven’t said a word because honestly, there’s nothing I can say that would ease the horror of everything that happened to Mia and that fucking sucks.
Apparently, there’s blood on my hands—her blood—and because of that, I’ll forever suffer from it.
“Why the fuck are you just lying there, looking as cool as a fucking wilting cucumber in the sun?” Cole demands almost angrily. “You heard the questions those cops asked you, didn’t you?”
I can feel his stare on me, but I don’t look at him, choosing instead to stare up at the white ceiling, replaying the last thirty-six hours in my head like a hell loop.
“He’s not even here,” Cole mutters. “I can’t stand this bullshit.” Then I hear the door open and then shut with a bang.
“J!”
“Cole,” I mutter, feeling tired.
“Dude, are we in the same universe or are you silently losing it?” he demands sarcastically, waving his hand in front of my face.
I don’t have the fucking energy to tell him that I’ve been losing it since that text.
I don’t know how to tell him that since the day I met Mia Montague, I’ve been losing a bit of myself to her and now I’m just… empty.
There’s always been a void in me, sure, but the surest thing I fucking know right now, better than I know my own name, is that what happened to Mia, the horrors that are still unknown to me, it’s all my fucking fault and now, she has completely and effectively erased me from her soul.
I’m pissed at her amnesia, but if that gives her some kind of peace then, I swear to God I’ll do everything I can to protect that peace and let her be. Even if I’ll never be in her life again.
“Julian!”
“I said I’m fine,” I grit out, shifting in the fucking hospital bed but still uncomfortable.
“You’re fine my fucking black ass,” he grumbles unhappily. “You’re not fine. None of this is fine. They have your fucking useless wrist in cuffs, man.”
Ah yes.
I graduated from shiny cuffs in a wheelchair to shiny cuffs on the bed.
The same cop that was right outside my hospital door is still there, but this time, he looks more alert than before, you know, just in case my brother and my best friend decide to make do on their threat to bust me out of here like they’ve been saying for the past few hours after Mia woke up.
“It’s not my first time in these, you know that.” I jingle my left arm, trying my hardest not to think of my other arm that rests uselessly on the bed in a cast.
From the corner of my eye, I notice Cole glance at said arm worriedly and I know what he’s thinking, but I don’t want to think about that—let alone talk about it.
“Oh yeah sure, as opposed to your first time being accused of murder, huh?” he mutters distractedly, and I sigh.
“Sarcasm doesn’t suit you when you’re angry, dude,” I mutter tiredly.
“Being impassive doesn’t fit you when you’re in trouble, but fucking alas, here we are!”
Another heavy sigh escapes me.
Making Cole angry is never the best move. I wish he could just accept the new tune we’re dancing to now. It would make it all easier.
“Listen dude, your reaction to this is worrying and I need you to snap out of this,” he says.
“Cole…” I sigh.
“Seriously, what’s going on with you?” he demands.
“I’m just doing what any normal person would do.”
“And that is?”
“Accepting.”
“Bullshit! Normal people react and try to fight for their fucking lives! You are not normal,” he says. “We need a plan.”
“There’s no plan,” I mutter. Liam’s name has been cleared. Mia is awake and will be fine. And I? Well, I don’t matter, but he ignores me.
“We need to find a way out of this because fuck, murder charges and why the fuck is this happening to you? From one storm to another. From kidnapping, assault and rape to freaking murder.”
I’ve been asking myself the same thing and coming up blank. Maybe in a past life I pissed off a god, then in this one, I was given a goddess and I screwed it up.
“Why can’t it ever be small shit, you know, like petty theft or fucking vandalism?” he goes on. “Why the fuck does everything have to be in epic proportions with this damn family?”
He’s got a point though.
“Cole, just stop man, before you pace a hole in the floor.”
Instead of stopping, Cole leans in, his gaze hooded as he stares at me with a contemplative look on his face that makes my blood boil almost immediately when I catch the look in his eyes. I already know what he wants to say.
“No!” I blurt out before he can speak. “Hell fucking no!”
“What?” He moves back.
“Whatever you’re fucking thinking right now, the answer is fucking no.”
“Come on, J, we both know what happened that night.”
“Dude, I said no,” I grumble.
“Asshole, can you just pull your head out your ass for just a second and smell the ass-fucking you’re about to get? You know I can help.”
“No!”
“Julian—”
“Cole, I said no!”
“There’s a reason they asked if you were alone when you went for Mia. I can be a witness and you know—”
“Keep your fucking voice down, asshole. I can’t have you involved with this shit! He’ll find a way to hurt you too.” I seethe, looking pointedly at the door where the cop is now peeking through the tiny window, watching us with a suspicious gaze.
I swear they can’t wait to drag my ass to prison. It’s been one thing after another in the past few weeks and now, they’re really confident they have me because of whatever Nathan is spewing.
A heavy silence falls over us. I look at Cole. He moves away.
He grabs the pitcher of water with wooden, jerky movements and pours a glass, attempting to look casual but there’s nothing casual about this shit.
“Listen, asshole you and I both know they already think you weren’t alone. I mean why else would they ask you that?”
“Cole.”
“I was there,” he whispers hotly, passing me the water. “I can go give my statement. I’ll tell them the truth that I was there. That I’m a viable witness. I wasn’t drugged or in a fucking freezer.”
“You didn’t see the shooting.”
“Does it matter?”
“You’d be lying!”
“At least it’ll definitely clear your name. Better yet, I can open the door and tell that guy.”
“He already thinks we’re trying to hatch some fucking plan as it is, but either way, no!”
“Julian…”
“Stop and think! With fucking Nathan and the Matthews mafia shit in this, he’ll find a way to drag you into this quicksand with me.”
And I can’t have that.
“Yes, but if we do this smarter, better, with Mr. Fitz on our side, we can clear your narrow ass and get you off this and then we can find that bastard Sean and take Nathan down all in the same move as Mia recovers.”
He’s sincere, that much is clear. I know he means well, but from where I am now, lying between a rock and a fucking hard place, I can see there’s no way out.