“And if I don’t?”
“Well, you only get on hug at the airport for ten seconds.”
“Bet,” she says looking determined. I’m laughing, thinking she won’t do it, but she actually removes her sandals, puts on the leather stilettos and zooms past me and out the shop… with shoes she hasn’t paid for.
“Ma’am, you haven’t paid for those!” the store attendant calls after her. I quickly grab my new phone and start recording. I guess I’m not the only one as suddenly, my mother is running, literally running across the entire floor of the mall, with the store attendant and two mall guards after her.
“Holy shit!” I laugh until I feel tears streaming down my face. She’s upper fast and flexible and out runs the guards. When she comes back to the store, I’m gasping for breath.
“Ma’am! Those shoes…”
“Yes, I was just checking them,” Mom says seriously, not even flustered. She even has the audacity to checks herself out in the floor-ceiling length mirror, with an impassive look on her face like she didn’t just cause a bit of chaos in this busy as fuck mall. “How do you expect people to buy shoes without trying them out first.”
The store attendant is out of breath, panting. I feel sorry for her.
“I’m sorry for this woman,” I whisper, adopting my own serious face. “She’s not well… you know, in the head.”
The sympathy that immediately fills the poor girl’s eyes is so sudden and so genuine, I almost feel bad for lying. “Oh God, I’m so sorry. Just hang in there, dear things will get well.”
Oh my God, this is gold! From the corner of my eye, I can see Mom trying not to laugh then she starts twirling around over and over, going along with the act.
“Hmm, I don’t know about that,” I say with mock sadness. “I’m just trying to give her a good time before she goes back to the coo-coo house.” I sigh heavily and the girl clutches her chest. “And I’m so sorry, we can’t take those shoes. She has osteoarthritis.”
“Really? Isn’t she too young for that?”
“Hmm I think she pissed God off in a past life,” I say sadly. At that, Mom starts stumbling, grabbing at everything so she can stay upright. “Oh my God, Mom, careful!”
By the time we leave the shop, with me supporting Mom with all our shipping bags under my arm, I’m all but dying with laughter.
“Osteoarthritis?” she says in between laughs. “You just had that one ready to go, didn’t you?”
“I read about it just recently,” I laugh.
By the time we get back home, we’ve shopped like you wouldn’t believe. We even did grocery shopping.
I’ve never had this much fun in a while. And to be honest, I’ve never seen my mother so open and carefree as she was today. We were so in sync, and so in the moment that the day just blew right past us.
When we get home, Liam is there is waiting for us, but I don’t tell him about my plans and where I’m going soon. I’m not doing it to be vindictive or mysterious and angsty. I just don’t want to talk about it. Instead, I decide to enjoy the night as much as possible with the heaviness still weighing down on my chest.
Julian…
But even with that, we all make dinner in the kitchen, and the jokes are as refreshing as this moment. We even FaceTime Cole who tells us he’s just coming back from late practice and he’s hungry, but we talk to him for over an hour.
Even then, there isn’t a single mention of Julian. Not one from both boys.
I know if I really wanted answers, I could ask John who calls my mother that night, but I don’t. I just pretend like everything’s fine, but it’s not.
Liam decided to do a TikTok challenge and the next thing I know, he’s teaching me—like a freaking drill sergeant—how to do the moves. He’s so into the moves for someone who just created an account that he doesn’t notice the salmon he’s making is burning until it’s too late. We end up just ordering takeout and have dinner on the balcony.
I can feel my Mom’s inquisitive gaze on me all through the night but I pretend like I can’t feel it as my heart clenches, that by the time we’re done eating and Liam decides to stay over for the night, the joy of the day starts wearing off.
That night, the nightmares decide to make a grand reappearance.
It’s not the type of nightmare you see when you fall asleep, no that’s not how this one happens. I mean, I’ve been struggling to sleep for weeks, but I’ve had a tight leash for my mess but not tonight.
It all starts when I start thinking about my copying mechanism with the trauma over the years.
I’ve managed to bury everything, replacing the pain and anguish with something I can obsess over for long periods of time, just like how I cared about Nancy over the years, completely burying the shit that was happening with Nathan.
I didn’t realize that it only takes one string to pull the entire buried box of skeletons out, so as the time ticks on by, my mind drags me back to the coldness of the freezer in that godforsaken warehouse.
To be honest, I was expecting the memories to haunt me, but the nightmare didn’t stop there.
It’s almost like a movie is being played in reverse, playing back every memory I had buried, forcing myself to forget it all.
I lie there and remember the time Nathan tried his best to be kind to me and Nancy. But when Nancy’s phone rang, we would hear her beautiful laugh—she never laughed when Nathan was around—and when Nathan heard her laugh, he turned into a beast that destroyed everything.
I lie there and remember the way she screamed, the way she fought back, the way she told me to hide.
I remember they never actually shared a room in that huge house.
I remember Nancy bought a gun once.
I remember Nancy never really stopped laughing and looking back now with the knowledge I have, I realize now that when she laughed like that, she was talking to the love of her life, John Fitzgerald.
Tears start streaming down my face in the dark. I can hear my blood roar in my ears as my heart rate accelerates, but I don’t move. I just lie there and remember.
Lying there, I recall the times Nicky visited us in secret, making me promise not to tell Nathan.
I can almost feel the fear slithering over my body now as I recall the way Nathan came back home, drunk as a skunk, and offering me to settle his debts. Something he managed to do after all.
I remember the times Nathan punished me for not telling him about Nancy’s whereabouts.
I can feel myself start to gasp for breath as the pressure builds in my chest. I know I’m having a panic attack. I know all I need to do is bend over between my knees and try to breathe but the images are replaying over and over in my head like a broken record.
I’m crying, sweating and panting for breath. I can’t help but reach for my phone. My fingertips have memorized his number like my body has programmed his touch. So, in a few short seconds… with just one ring, I hear his voice.
“Julian,” I gasp.
Chapter Forty
Julian
I immediately drop everything, my body coiling with tension the moment I hear the panic and stress in her breathless voice.