Ryan stilled behind me and I panted, my forehead pressed against the backrest, my body pulsating almost painfully. Ryan kissed my shoulder blade as he pulled out of me. He sank down on the couch and pulled me sideways onto his lap. I leaned my head against his chest, trying to catch my breath.
“Have you ever considered kids?” I wasn’t sure why the words left my mouth in that moment but it was a topic I’d been wondering about for a while. Ryan and I wanted to spend our life together and for me children were a must.
Ryan stiffened, his fingers on my thigh digging into my skin. “Kids?” he rumbled as if the word didn’t even make sense to him.
I pulled away to look at his face. His expression was a mix of confusion and wariness. “I never thought they were an option for me.”
“Why not?”
“Because of who I was… who I still am. I never wanted a woman at my side and knocking up random whores and producing bastards was never something I wanted.”
“But I am at your side now,” I said softly.
He nodded, wonder reflecting in his eyes. “You are.”
“And I won’t go anywhere.”
He stroked my throat with his inked hand. “You will.” There was still the hint of doubt in his voice. I cupped his stubbled cheeks.
“I won’t go anywhere.”
“You want kids?” he asked roughly.
“I do. I always wanted two for as long as I could remember. I still do. I want a happy family.”
“A happy family…” He tested the words as if they were entirely foreign to him, something from a language he didn’t understand.
“Don’t you want that after everything you’ve gone through?”
“I’ve destroyed many families in my time as Salvatore’s right-hand man. You know that better than anyone.”
I swallowed. Ryan hadn’t killed my father but he would have and he’d tortured him. He was loyal to Salvatore, a fact that still boggled my mind after what the man had done to him. “That’s the past. You can redeem yourself by doing right by our children.”
“You really want kids with me? They could be like me…”
“Nothing’s wrong with you. You had a horrible childhood, that’s why you became Salvatore’s enforcer. Our children won’t suffer like you did. They’ll be raised with love.”
“I don’t know if I’m capable of doing that.”
“You’re capable of loving me so why shouldn’t you be able to love our children?”
Ryan nodded slowly. “Yeah, maybe.”
“Definitely.”
“If you want kids, I’ll give them to you. I want you happy.”
I hugged him. “We still have time. But I want us to be a family.”
Ryan hugged me tightly. I breathed in his musky scent, relaxing further.
* * *
Our wedding wasn’t the splendid feast I’d imagined as a teenage girl, not a way to impress society and friends. It was pure and simple, like Ryan’s and my love.
We married on a ship on the Hudson with the Statue of Liberty in the background. Only a few people were present as we were declared husband and wife. Talia and Mom, who’d grown used to Ryan even if he still wasn’t the son-in-law Mom wanted, Aria and Luca as well as Gianna and Matteo. While I’d been close to Aria in the beginning, and still was, because she’d helped me and my family so much, I now met Gianna more often, which had come as a surprise. She’d seemed difficult to get along with during our first few encounters but soon we’d figured out we both enjoyed yoga, Pilates and working out. From that day on, we’d met at least once to work out together and she even asked me to help her with the Famiglia’s women’s gym she wanted to set up. Naturally, Coco and Bandit were present as well, despite their wariness toward the ship.
It was a hot May day with the sun shining down on us. Ryan was dressed in a white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up and suit pants but no jacket or tie, and I had chosen a short, sleeveless wedding dress with a high neck. The material of the skirt was smooth like silk but the body had beautiful embroidery. Ryan had asked me to wear a short skirt and no sleeves because he loved the lean muscle I’d worked hard for. Of course, the main reason why was that I could show off my two tattoos that way. They weren’t anything like his but Ryan still loved the splashes of color on my skin. Over the last six months I’d gotten two beautiful watercolor tattoos, red poppies across my ankle and lower calf, as well as a hummingbird in flight on my shoulder blade. They were pops of color against my white dress and pale skin. To my surprise, it hadn’t caused any kind of stir in the Famiglia. Maybe because Ryan and I were regarded as misfits anyway, or maybe because Gianna had joined me during my first tattoo session to get inked as well. Her much smaller tattoo had been the scandal of the last few months. Even Mom had hardly said anything about my body art, even though I knew she hated seeing me inked.
“You may kiss the bride.”
I smiled up at Ryan and he bent down. When our lips met, I knew everything that had led us to this point had been worth it.
* * *
Maximus and Primo chased each other through our small yard. At two and four, they were almost unstoppable, which was why Ryan and I would take them to an adventure playground in the afternoon. I did a quick workout on the patio as I watched them to make sure they didn’t injure themselves seriously.
Daisy and Buddy, our rescue pit bulls, slept on the lawn, between where the boys played and me, so they could protect us. We’d saved them from a fight-dog breeding factory at only four weeks old three years ago. Coco and Bandit had died only one week apart from each other mere weeks before the raid of the fight ring. Despite our sadness, Ryan and I had seen it as a sign. Not to mention that we didn’t want to live without dogs. Taking care of the tiny puppies in the beginning had been a twenty-four-hour job, which wasn’t easy considering Max had been a toddler and I had been pregnant with Primo, but Ryan and I had succeeded together and our dogs thanked us with utmost loyalty and love.
“Primo, no!” I called when he hit his brother. Max, of course, hit him back. Ryan was the only one who called our son Maximus. He had chosen both boy names. People had always looked down at him as a child and he wanted to make sure our boys didn’t suffer the same fate. For him a proud and strong name was a crucial key. When I’d seen how important the matter was for him, I’d given in under the condition that I’d choose a possible girl name, but I knew deep down that our family was complete with Max and Primo.
“Don’t make me come and get you,” I warned. They slanted me a look to see if I was serious. I was.
They started chasing each other again, almost stumbling over Buddy’s huge white body. Primo climbed on top of him. Buddy barely lifted his head but I had enough. I went over to my boys and they trotted toward me, knowing what was coming.
“The dogs aren’t toys. You can pet them and throw their ball, but you don’t climb them, don’t tug at their tails or ears, and don’t tease them. Understood?” My voice was stern.
They nodded. “Okay, Mommy,” they said as one, their amber eyes guilty.
I tousled their brown hair and sent them off again. Instead of continuing my workout, I sank down beside Buddy and Daisy. They both immediately put their heads on my crossed legs so I could pat them.