He got off the bed. “I have many scars and they all made me the man I am today.”
I searched his face for a hint of the humanness I’d seen before, but he looked so other in that moment. “That doesn’t mean it can’t be different. You act so strong and unbeatable but you let your past and your supposed fate dictate your life. Why don’t you fight for a better future?”
“For me there’s no future.”
“But there could be,” I whispered.
Growl searched my face again. There was longing. He wanted more out of this life, even if he couldn’t admit it to himself yet. “I didn’t come to talk,” he growled. He slid down his pants, and returned to the bed. His strong body covered mine as he moved between my legs. His tip slid over my wet entrance and then he thrust into me in one swift move, filing me completely with his length. He groaned. I wrapped my legs around his hips as he began pounding into me. His mouth found mine, tongue plunging in, and he angled his thrusts higher, toward a spot that made my toes curl. I moaned against him. He slipped a hand between us, fingers finding my breast, thumb and forefinger pinching and twisting my nipple. Pain and pleasure mixed deliciously. I cried out, close to release. He sped up, our body’s slapping against each other. I scratched my nails down his back and he tensed with his release, taking me with him over the edge.
My cries were swallowed by his forceful kiss. His movements slowed but he kept kissing me. When he finally drew back, I was flushed and breathless. My legs dropped from his waist, heavy and limp. He pushed himself off me, leaving me no choice but to lower my arms from his back. He picked up his pants off the ground before he left without another word. The soft click of the door made me wince. I stared into the darkness. I could still feel him inside of me, was still throbbing with the remnants of my orgasm, but my chest felt empty.
I was too agitated to sleep and so I got up eventually. For some reason I needed to be close to Growl now.
It was silent inside the house when I stepped into the corridor. My slow breath felt like an intruder of the quiet. I headed toward Growl’s bedroom but the door was open and he wasn’t inside.
Where was he? I crept through the darkness when my eyes registered a dim light spilling into the house from the backyard. I tried to move soundlessly as I approached the terrace door. Growl sat at the small shabby table. A half-burnt-down candle on a saucer hardly broke through the night but managed to cast eerie shadows across his face. The dogs were stretched out at his feet as usual. They didn’t react. Either they hadn’t noticed me, which didn’t really qualify them as guard dogs, or they’d deemed me too uninteresting for a reaction. Growl looked lonely. In the short time I knew him I’d learned to read his expressions better, but I still didn’t understand him.
He sought out my closeness, was trying to treat me right, even though he’d never learned how. Had anyone ever treated him right? Except for his mother perhaps. I considered returning to my bedroom but something kept me rooted to the spot.
“I know you’re there,” Growl said quietly.
I walked outside hesitantly. The cold bit at my skin, especially where Growl’s mouth had wetted my nightgown. He looked tired. “You should be sleeping,” he said.
“You too.”
“I can’t,” he admitted.
“Me neither.”
We looked at each other. “Can I stay?”
Growl nodded. I took a step toward the free chair, then changed my mind and headed for Growl. His brows crinkled as he watched me. I crawled on his lap and put my head down on his shoulder. He smelled of sex, of us. He let out a low breath but didn’t do anything else.
He was warm and strong. I drew in his scent that lingered beneath the sex. It didn’t take long before my eyes felt heavy. When I was almost asleep, I felt Growl’s fingers glide over my hair. Up and down. And then I drifted off.
I was back in my bed when I woke the next morning, and Growl was back to being his usual distant self when I entered the kitchen and grabbed the cup of coffee waiting for me.
“I will show you where they buried your father,” Growl said without warning.
I froze. My throat tightened with emotions and most of my anger drained out of me. “You will?” My voice was shaky.
Growl nodded, eyes almost kind. “You should get the chance to say goodbye. If it’ll make things easier.”
I wasn’t sure if that was true, if it would make things easier, but I was grateful anyway. His acts of kindness still surprised me. I wasn’t sure what to make of the man in front of me. “Did you get the chance to say goodbye to your mother?”
Growl’s expression became even more guarded. “I saw her die, and that’s when I said goodbye. After that, they cut my throat, and I had to fight for my life.”
I flushed. Of course. He’d been a small boy who’d suffered horribly. It was hard to imagine Growl as anything but the powerful and cruel man in front of me. That he had once been an innocent boy was easy to forget.
I changed the subject. “When will you show me?”
“As soon as you’re done with your coffee.” He emptied his own cup and set it back down on the counter. I took two long swallows that burned my tongue and throat, then nodded. “I’m ready.”
We drove for a long time until the flashy lights and crowded streets of Las Vegas lay far behind us. The landscape got rougher, and fewer and fewer signs of civilization were visible. Rocks rose up beside the street, glowing red and orange in the afternoon sun. The Valley of Fire. I’d only driven through it once before and that had been in the evening when the power of the colors had been dimmed by the impending darkness.
Despite having lived in Las Vegas all my life, I’d seldom explored its surroundings. My family had never been the kind to do road trips. Our vacations had been to Aspen, Mexico or the Bahamas. My chest tightened sharply at the memories of our last ski trip to Aspen last February. Even Father had allowed himself enough free time to ski with us, and in the evening we’d all gathered in front of the roaring fire in our ski lodge.
Suddenly, I couldn’t appreciate the sparse landscape anymore. This road trip was one of goodbye. I’d never spent a vacation with my whole family again, never see my father struggle to keep the fire burning in the fire place, letting out curses while mother reprimanded him for it. I wasn’t even sure if I’d ever see my sister again, and if something happened to her, neither Mother nor I would be able to live with it.
I had to force myself to keep breathing, despite the tightness of my throat. Growl peered at me but I ignored him. I didn’t want to talk to him. My emotions were a whirlwind, I could hardly understand. I doubted he’d be able to and I worried that he’d try to talk me out of visiting my father’s grave after all.
Eventually he pulled the car off the asphalted street and drove along a dirt road. Our wheels swirled up red dust that settled in a thick layer on the windows. Growl tried to get the dust off the windows with the windshield wipers, but in vain. The vibration of the car as we drove over bumps and smaller rocks made me feel sick, and I closed my eyes. I wasn’t so sure if this was a good idea, but now it was too late to turn back without having to explain myself to Growl. I didn’t want to appear weak.