I had been his, not by choice, and now that I was free I wondered if we could make it work. Did I really want to live with the man who’d as good as owned me? Did he even want me now that I wasn’t a mere gift anymore? So many questions raced through my head and left me reeling.
I searched his eyes and realized that just for an instant before Growl could put his shields back up, I saw my own questions reflected in them.
“You are alive,” I said simply.
He didn’t move closer. “I am hard to kill.”
I noticed Aria in the corner, watching us.
Luca broke the tense silence. “Is it done?”
Growl finally tore his gaze away from me. “I killed many of Falcone’s closest men. There’s a lot of fighting going on in Vegas now. From what I hear Falcone’s sons have come to the US. Soon they and Cosimo will be fighting for power. It’ll keep them busy for a while.”
Luca seemed satisfied with that. Business. This was all about business. Was that why they’d taken Growl in? Because Growl had important information about the Vegas Camorra?
I wanted to run toward Growl but he didn’t seem to want that. Confusion filled me. I needed fresh air. I needed to think. I turned around and hurried back outside. I stopped when I reached a bench and sank down on it.
Aria joined me a few moments later. “You love him. Why don’t you show him?”
I stiffened. Was it that obvious? “Because he doesn’t love me. He can’t. This thing between us has no future.”
I wasn’t naïve enough to believe that Growl would change. If we stayed in New York and if he was allowed to work for Luca, there was only one job that he could do. He’d become one of Luca’s assassins. Too much had been broken in Growl when he watched his mother die and when he almost bled to death himself. I wanted to mend him but I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to recover all the broken pieces. Some of them might be lost forever.
“Why? If you love him there’s always a way.”
“He’s…not good.”
Aria laughed softly. “Luca isn’t good either, but I love him with all my heart. You just have to allow yourself to love his good parts.”
I loved his good parts and I loved his ugly parts, loved him more than I should.
He’d stolen my freedom, my life, and somehow along the way, without me realizing it, he’d also stolen my heart.
“He loves you. I don’t know exactly what Luca and Growl talked about when they first met yesterday, but I have a feeling that the only reason why Luca trusts Growl is because he realized that Growl loves you. And Luca knows what love can do to a person.” She paused. “Your sister mentioned that your mother doesn’t approve. But don’t let that stop you, if you really love him. My sister Gianna didn’t like Luca very much in the beginning either.”
I nodded to show her I’d listened, but I couldn’t say anything.
Growl
I paced the corridor in front of Cara’s room. I wasn’t sure why I was waiting for her to show up. What was there left to talk about?
The moment she’d left for New York without me I’d known that this meant the end for us. The realization had been like a punch in the gut, the realization that she wouldn’t stay with me, a monster. No one would. She’d seemed to enjoy my company in the end, enjoyed my closeness and my touch but I didn’t fool myself.
Her affection for me had been born out of necessity. She’d had no choice. She couldn’t get away from me. She had sought my closeness because she was relieved it wasn’t brutality that I showed her. But now everything had changed.
In New York, Cara would be free to do as she pleased. No one was stopping her. I knew enough of Luca to know that the man wouldn’t support me in keeping Cara. And though it had taken a while for me to realize it, I didn’t want to have Cara as a possession. I wanted her to want to be with me. I knew that meant I’d lose her altogether. She’d live her life without me. She’d find a new guy, a nice guy, someone who hadn’t caused her so many nightmares. Maybe Luca already had a husband in mind for her, a Made Man with good standing and upbringing.
It was difficult for me to understand emotions, and that would never change. But her expression made it clear even to me that she didn’t want me. Perhaps she’d pretended to tolerate me for her own sake; because she wanted me to help her revenge her father and kill Falcone. I couldn’t really blame her.
I often wished I’d never had her in the first place because it was easier to live without something you’ve never had. I hadn’t known what I was missing, but now it was difficult giving it up.
I had grown used to Cara’s presence. I’d always taken myself for a loner. Had thought I didn’t want other people around me. I’d enjoyed being alone, with only my dogs for company. My life had been mine alone. It had been uneventful and driven by habits but it had been safe. Now that I’d experienced living with someone, living with Cara, I had a hard time imagining being alone again.
I would get by. I always had. I’d work twice as hard, would put all my energy into making Luca trust and value me. I’d make a name for myself here in New York and eventually I’d forget about Cara and return to the life I’d had before.
Steps sounded and I looked up. The moment Cara turned the corner, I realized I was fooling myself if I believed I could ever forget her.
Cara
I froze when I spotted Growl in front of my room. Bandit and Coco lay curled up at his feet as if they’d all been waiting for a while.
I approached him slowly, trying to get a grip on my emotions. Coco wagged her tail when I stopped in front of them.
Growl pushed his hands into his pockets, face blank and his body tense as a bowstring. “There’s no reason for you to stay with me. You are free now. Even if I could force you to stay with me, I won’t. You are free to choose your own life.”
The words I’d been longing to hear from the moment Falcone had given me to Growl suddenly stung. “So what is it you’re saying? Would you prefer if I left you?” How could I leave him when we hadn’t been a couple in the first place?
“That’s the last thing I want,” he said fiercely. He pulled his hands out, restless, almost as if he wanted to grab me and shake some sense into me but he didn’t touch me.
“Then what do you want?” I shot back, growing frustrated. Maybe I should have accepted Growl’s words and left.
Mother would have preferred that, and it would have been the right choice morally. Yet I stayed.
Growl had monstrous parts, and that wouldn’t change. Years of abuse had burned those into him, and if I chose to stay with him, I’d have to live with it. Perhaps in New York, Luca would find better ways to channel Growl’s talents into less horrendous tasks, but I wasn’t fooling myself into believing that killing wouldn’t still be a big part of Growl’s life. That was something I’d have to accept. To stay with someone only because one hoped to change that person was an endeavor that had to fail.
Growl’s eyes flickered with emotions, too many, and more than I’d ever seen in them. “I want,” he began, then stopped and growled. He shook his head and turned his face away so I was left to stare at his profile.