“I’m leaving. I just wanted to say goodbye.” He turned his Chitah gaze to the onlookers and felt their cold reception. “Goodbye, Blue.”
Crush patted Harley’s side and fed him a hunk of meat as a reward.
I sat down in front of Blue. “You should talk to him before he’s gone. He came all this way.”
Her eyes swung up to the empty doorway, and a look of regret crossed her expression before she ran after him.
Blue stumbled into the restaurant and rushed toward the front door. It was rowdy in there—a dizzying mixture of laughter, boisterous chatter, and rock music. She accidentally bumped into a woman while rushing outside.
Matteo headed down the concrete walkway.
“Matteo, wait.” She strode toward him, wishing she hadn’t had all those beers.
He stopped by a rosebush on the corner and turned.
Blue gestured toward the faded wooden bench against the building. “Let’s talk.”
They sat and waited for a couple to pass them and go inside. A cool breeze stirred up the leaves on the bushes, and Blue was glad that she’d worn the tank top today. And not one that concealed all her scars, but a low-cut shirt that let her enjoy the weather along with everyone else. She didn’t give a damn about the stares.
“What changed your mind?” she asked.
He laced his fingers together and leaned back, legs stretched out. “I suppose the thought entered my mind when I helped you rescue the children in the warehouse.”
“You shouldn’t have been there.”
“Where young are concerned, I will always be there to help. It wasn’t until then that I realized where I truly belong. You were right. I need to return. Those children need protection to make it safely to the sanctuary, and I’m the only one who knows those woods.” Matteo faced her, his voice as soft as the breeze. “Come with me.”
“You said you realized where you belonged. It’s the same for me. I belong here with Keystone. I figured it out last night when I was dying.” She rested her arm on the back of the bench. “After the lion attack, I wasn’t the same. I felt guilty for surviving. It didn’t seem fair that my sons had to die, and I was still here. Their deaths haunt me, but I’ve accepted it. I’ve had enough time to move on. You’re still not over the deaths of your mate and child. Everyone heals differently, and I can see your wounds are still fresh.”
“Balderdash.”
“Really? Last night you should have gone after the Relic. But you just stared at me like you were reliving an old nightmare. You’re not as ready for a relationship as you think you are. No one can heal your pain—you have to heal yourself. Going back to West Virginia and working with the sanctuary will be good for you. That’s your calling in life. That’s what’s going to heal you. Not a replacement.”
“So I should forego love because I’ve lost my kindred spirit?”
“No, but what is it you like about me? The kiss I gave you was payment, not an invitation. Is it the scars? Do you think because I don’t have any prospects that I’ll stay by your side? You learned nothing about me back at the cave—not enough to bring you all the way up to Cognito. Tell me what you expect.”
“A gentle word. Would you cast me away so hastily? Your scars are a map to your heart, and any man who can’t see that is a fool.”
Blue sighed and watched a family pile into their car. “Maybe not everyone is meant for love. And that should be okay.”
He turned his gaze toward the parking lot. The sun glinted off the windshields and chrome on the bikes. “Have you ever considered paying a Sensor to take away the pain?”
It wasn’t unusual for immortals to engage in that type of sensory transaction. Sensors couldn’t remove memories, but they could remove all the emotions tied to them. “That pain is what drives me. It’s what makes me do what I do. That’s what happens when you find a purpose. You learn to channel all that pain into something else, whether it’s good or evil. I catch bad guys, and the ass-kicking I do helps me work out all that aggression.”
Matteo chuckled softly.
“There was a time I considered it,” she admitted, knowing he might be seeking permission. “I once let that pain drag me under, and I thought about it. My boys deserve my tears. But I wouldn’t judge anyone for doing it. Sometimes what we suffer through is more than we can endure. I can’t imagine what you must be going through with losing your baby and then your kindred spirit. I know kindreds have a bond that’s stronger than soul mates. It must have been a crushing loss. If you think removing the pain will help you get on with your life, then maybe you should.”
He slowly ran his hand over his mouth. “I’m thinking about it.”
“You’ll still have all the wonderful memories and feelings for them but without the rest. Time isn’t linear. It’s a series of lines and loops. The lines are all the ordinary, mundane parts. The loops are the moments that change us—death, birth, tragedy. When we reflect on our life, we get caught in the loops and live in them. We circle back to those moments, replaying them in our head over and over until we drown in the emotions. And when the loop is a tragic one, all you can think about are the things you did wrong. What you didn’t say, what you could have done differently, how it could have been prevented, and it consumes you. I lived in the loops for a long, long time.” She reclined her head against the wall behind them. “Sometimes, if I’m not careful, I can slip into them. Like I did with you when I told my story. But you know what I found out, Matteo? It’s not the loops that matter. It’s the lines. It’s those ordinary moments that matter more than anything else. The lines are so long, but we waste our lives, caught in the loops.”
“You have an interesting mind, female. I would have enjoyed getting to know you more.”
“Sorry. I had too many beers.”
“I noticed. Your demeanor seems altered.”
She shrugged. “I feel reborn in a strange way. It took almost dying to remind me why I wanted to live. As much as I want answers from the afterlife, my job here isn’t done.”
He reached out and held her hand. “Someday, when this life can give you no more, I’ll be waiting. When your heart has been broken by some other male, I’ll be there to mend it. When you are alone, I will keep you company. And should you desire children, I will father them and raise them with love. Maybe not in fifty years, maybe not even in a hundred. But life is very long, and it can be so lonely. I know that more than anyone.”
“That’s because you live in a cabin in the woods.” She smiled warmly at him. “Maybe you should move into town. Make some friends, find a routine. It helps to be around people.” She shifted to look directly at him but slid her hand out of his grasp. “You’re not here because of me. You’re here because of a kiss. It made you feel something you haven’t felt in a long time, and that had nothing to do with me. Besides, I could never be with someone who knows the pain of losing a child. I can barely manage my own pain, and I don’t want to share that same grief with someone. Can you understand that? Losing a child is incomparable to anything else. You know that, and someday you’ll understand my reasons. Sometimes it helps to surround yourself with people who don’t know about your past.”