“Really? Wow, I need to come to one of your games.”
I caught her smile out of the corner of my eye. “I’d like that,” I said.
She turned to look out the window. She was absorbing the city like it was her first time here. There was something sweet about it.
We drove on in silence until I pulled to a stop in front of her mom’s old apartment building. Kennedy tried to protest again, but I carried her up the few flights of stairs. I tried not to look at Brooklyn’s apartment door. It would be filled with another family now. One not aware of the people that had lived there before. Something in my chest tightened.
Mrs. Alcaraz opened up the door like she knew we were coming.
“Mi amor! What happened?”
“I’m fine, Mama,” Kennedy said. “Matt’s just being…Matt.”
I laughed at that as I laid her down on the couch.
She smiled up at me.
“Matt.” Mrs. Alcaraz looked up at me. She looked almost exactly the same, but she had a few lines around her eyes now. She put her hands on both sides of my face. “Mi amor,” she called me, just like she called Kennedy. “Why do you look so sad? You’re in good company now.” She let her hands fall from my face. “Let’s eat. Dinner is getting cold.”
***
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d smiled so hard. I used to eat here all the time when Brooklyn and I had dated. Mrs. Alcaraz was the only woman I knew whose cooking rivaled my mom’s.
Kennedy walked me to the door. “Thanks for tonight. It was nice seeing a friendly face in this city.”
“Any time.” My eyes wandered to her lips. I have no fucking idea why.
“Matt?”
My eyes lifted back to hers.
“Give me your phone.”
I didn’t ask why she wanted it. But I handed my phone to her without protest.
She typed something in and handed it back to me. “You can text me when you’re missing her. I bet I’ll be missing her too.” She shrugged. “Two lost souls in this crazy city could maybe feel a little less alone with a friend.”
A friend. Right. I shoved my phone into my pocket. I believed that two lost souls could feel a little less alone together. In one way or another.
“You deserve to be happy,” she said.
“So do you,” I said.
She smiled up at me. “How is it that you look almost the same after all these years?”
“How is it that you look even more beautiful?” I shouldn’t have said it. I was used to flirting. But flirting with my dead fiancée’s best friend? Definitely off-limits.
“You know what? Hold on one sec.” She left me alone standing at the door for only a minute. “It’s vacant right now. And my mom still had this.” She placed a key into my palm.
I looked over my shoulder at Brooklyn’s old apartment. I couldn’t even imagine going in there.
“It was the first thing I did when I got back. I think being in there gave me a little closure.”
I doubted it would do that for me. But I closed my hand around the key anyway.
She leaned forward to hug me. It took me by surprise, but as soon as her arms were wrapped around me, I sighed. I took a deep breath. Home. God, I wanted to just hold her right here forever.
But she pulled back. “Goodnight, Matt.”
“Goodnight, Kennedy.”
She closed the door and I turned around and faced the door to Brooklyn’s apartment. My mind screamed at me not to go in. But my feet seemed to have a mind of their own as they approached the door. And my hand as it unlocked it.
The door creaked opened and I stared at the empty kitchen. The whole place seemed so small. I stepped inside, picturing Uncle Jim’s warm smile. And Brooklyn’s big blue eyes. This place was filled with ghosts. I felt a tear roll down my cheek as I made my way into the small living room. It used to feel so full of love and laughter. And now it just felt…empty. I stopped outside Brooklyn’s bedroom door, leaning against the doorjamb.
We’d fought in here. She’d threatened to push me off the fire escape when she was mad. And she promised to love me forever right there.
My knees must have given out, because I was somehow sitting where her bed used to be. I’d held her right here when she’d cried. I held her in my arms, hoping she’d feel whole again when she lost her uncle.
I promised her forever. Forever wasn’t supposed to be only for a few months. This wasn’t supposed to be what happened to us. She should have been here with me.
My fingers fumbled, pulling my phone out of my pocket. And I texted the one person who would understand. Not my high school friends. Not Tanner. “I don’t want to feel alone,” I texted.
Kennedy’s response came almost immediately. “Are you still in her apartment?”
I didn’t have time to respond before I heard the door creak. She was limping slightly, but she still showed up. She sat down next to me and put her head on my shoulder, just like she always did when we visited Brooklyn’s grave. And she didn’t say a word when I cried. And I didn’t say a word when I heard her sniffling either.
Her right hand was resting on her thigh. I reached out, lacing her fingers with mine. How had I been surviving without her? She’d been my rock after Brooklyn died. I looked down at her tear-stained face. I’d asked Brooklyn to send me a sign. Kennedy was it. I knew it. She had to be. I closed my eyes and exhaled slowly, the smell of home surrounding me. I just didn’t know what I was supposed to do with this sign.
Chapter 28
Wednesday
The light streaming into my room made me close my eyes tighter. My whole body ached. What was I sleeping on? Bricks?
Someone moaned.
I opened my eyes and stared down at Kennedy’s head on my chest. We weren’t in my room. We were still on the hardwood floor in Brooklyn’s old apartment. My back ached. But for just a few minutes, I didn’t move. All I could do was stare down at Kennedy.
She sniffled like she was crying in her sleep. My chest ached. But it had nothing to do with her head lying on it. It was something deeper. And it hurt more as I stared at her. Despite the ache in my chest, it had been a long time since I’d woken up feeling so…okay. Like my breaths were coming easier. And I was very aware it was because of her.
I reached out to run my fingers through her hair, but I pulled back before I made contact. She was sleeping so peacefully. Her breath slowly rising and falling.
I felt sick to my stomach. This was where Brooklyn and I had fallen asleep. I never should have come in here. I never should have asked Kennedy to come. But still, I didn’t move.
Had Kennedy shown up because I needed a friend?
Or had she shown back up in my life because I just needed her?
And I did need her. I think maybe I’d needed her this whole time. She was the only one that understood. She was the only one that felt my pain so acutely. I’d always loved Kennedy as a friend. She’d been there when I’d needed her the most. I wasn’t sure how I’d even pretended to be okay while she wasn’t in New York.
I heard my phone vibrating on the floorboards where I’d left it last night. I wished it would stop. I wished I could freeze time.