Not even a drip of water to wet my tongue.
I’d experienced dehydration in the past—when I went running on hot summer days and didn’t drink enough water. But this was a dryness that took over my entire body, like a hose had sucked out every drip from inside me.
My head pounded.
My stomach churned.
I didn’t think I could survive another minute.
Yet this was what I’d wanted, wasn’t it?
For it all to end?
If I’d thought I was living in hell before, nothing compared to this.
The total darkness was terrifying. Consuming. It took my brain to places I didn’t want to be in.
I screamed.
As loud as I could, I shouted, “Ahhh!”
I wanted to see my hands. The floor. The walls. Things I’d taken for granted while I’d been down here.
Beverly wasn’t enough.
She couldn’t make this tolerable.
I needed him—Ronald—to make this better.
I barely had the strength to lift my head from the mattress.
To open my mouth.
To shout, “I’m sorry!”
I saw stars in my vision the moment my lips closed.
They were the size of freckles, and they moved.
Danced.
I followed them with my eyes, connecting their shapes, listening to their quiet buzzing sounds.
I tried to wet my lips, but my tongue was so dry, like I’d coated it in flour, that I couldn’t.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “Ronald …” I choked, gagging on the thickness in my mouth. “I’m so sorry.” I coughed, trying to make it easier, to feel better. Nothing worked. “I’ll be a good doll.” My eyes closed—even that was too much. “I’ll do whatever you want … just make this stop.”
Forty-Six
Before
Pearl
Only three months until graduation. I was keeping a countdown on the calendar that hung above my desk, each day in red marker, showing how many I had left in Boston. That meant only three more months until Gran and I moved to Manhattan, where I would be auditioning for Broadway, where Brett, my new agent, wanted me to begin my career. He was going to have his assistant send me some apartment listings, so I could find us a place that I could afford. And as soon as I arrived, he was going to start having me audition for commercials and voice-overs, jobs that would bring in a steady income until I could land a permanent role.
Things were happening.
Fast.
And my heart was trying to process all of these new opportunities, the dreams that were on the verge of coming true. But while that was happening, something was weighing down my excitement.
Ashe.
He had applied to three medical schools and was waiting to hear where he would be going. It didn’t matter where he landed; none of the schools were in New York, all would be several hours away from me.
This was exactly what I had been trying to avoid when he pursued me last year, why I hadn’t dated in the past.
The thought of leaving half my heart in Boston—or somewhere that wasn’t minutes from where I lived, like our apartments now—was a thought I could barely handle.
I loved this man.
A love that I’d never expected to happen, but one I was positive I couldn’t live without.
And each time I stared at the countdown, like I was doing now, the number decreasing so rapidly, a wave of anxiety would move through my chest, digging a hole right in the center.
How was it possible that part of me was dreading this move when it was all I’d ever looked forward to?
“Dollface?” Gran called from the living room, dragging my eyes away from the numbers—a break I so desperately needed.
I got up from my bed and wandered down the hallway, sitting next to her on the couch. “What’s up, Gran?”
“Are you feeling all right?” She put her hand on my forehead, checking to see if I was running a fever. “You usually spend your nights off with Ashe; it’s unlike you to be home.”
Her fingers slid to my cheek before she acknowledged that she felt no temperature.
I caught her hand before it dropped, holding it between mine. “I’m fine, Gran.”
“I could tell the second you walked in here that you were not fine.” She sat up straighter, and the blanket fell from her chest, which I immediately fixed. “When you hurt, baby, I hurt. Tell me what’s bothering you.”
I exhaled as I looked toward the window, unable to hide anything from her. “I was just in my room, thinking about the future.”
“Always the worrier.” She gently moved her thumb across my palm. “You were in this same place right before you two became a couple and again when your feelings for him grew.” She lifted my chin, causing our eyes to connect. “You have to realize, you can’t change the outcome. What’s meant to happen between you and Ashe is already written. So, stop stressing about the what-ifs and the unknowns.” Her eyes moved back and forth between mine. “Life is going to happen; you don’t have the power to stop it, dollface. So, tuck your body into a ball and roll with each bump.”
“But I love him and …”
“And he’s madly, deeply in love with you.” She leaned forward, getting closer, lowering her voice when she said, “I promise you, whatever is meant to be will be. But neither of you has the power to control fate, so stop trying.” Her lips went to my cheek, where she kissed me so softly.
I kissed her back and continued staring at her, even after she pulled away, watching her take a drink of her tea.
She had a point. There were certain things I couldn’t control, and this was one, but that didn’t ease the emotions in my chest.
“Are you going to Ashe’s?”
I nodded. “I’m supposed to be there now.”
“Dollface, what are you waiting for?”
“Answers. Clarity.” I shrugged. “A crystal ball.”
“When you stumble upon one of those, will you send it to me?” She lifted my hand up to her mouth, kissing the backs of my fingers like a hen would peck at grain. “You’re forgetting to live in the moment because you’re so stuck in the future.” She turned quieter. “Stop it, baby.”
“You’re right. Again.”
She smiled. “Now, go along. I don’t want him to worry.”
I stood from the couch and was heading toward my room to grab my things when she called out my name, causing me to turn around.
“Bring those boys some of the cookies you made me yesterday. Lord knows I won’t be able to eat them all.”
I grinned suspiciously. “Are you sure you want to share?”
“Just save me a few. The ones with the extra peanut butter hunks on top.”
I laughed. “I love you, Gran.”
“From the sun to the moon and every star in between, baby.”
Forty-Seven
Before
Ashe
All three envelopes sat on my desk, unopened. They hadn’t arrived on the same day. In fact, two of them had come a few weeks apart. But I had promised myself I wouldn’t break their seals until all decisions came in. I didn’t want to get my hopes up or let down. I didn’t want to start planning my future until I knew every option that was available.