And when it hit that highest point, I gripped her even harder, shouting, “Ahhh,” as I shot my load inside her.
We slowly came down, our sounds turning to shallow pants until there was just stillness between us, smiles building across our lips.
“Mmm.” She cupped my face. “I’m going to miss these afternoon sessions.”
I chuckled even though the thought hurt, knowing someday, very soon, we would be living in different places.
I lifted her off the wall and set her on the bed, pulling her against me as I lay down. I kissed the top of her head, rubbing my hand over it, smelling that scent I loved so much. My eyes closed. “I’m going to miss everything about you, Pearl.”
She said nothing. She just held me tighter.
Fifty
Before
Pearl
“I’m afraid I don’t have the best news,” Ashe said as I walked into his room that evening and collapsed on top of his bed.
Only two days had passed since graduation, and I’d been cut early from the bar due to how slow it had been tonight. Now that everyone had gone home for the summer, we weren’t getting slammed with college kids.
I’d only made thirty dollars the whole shift.
And the stress was coming on thick.
In a little over a month, Gran and I would be moving to New York—a date I’d extended because with finals and graduation, I didn’t have time to go to Manhattan to look at the apartments Brett’s assistant had sent over. But whichever one I picked, I would have to come up with two months’ rent—first and last—and a security deposit.
Meanwhile, our electric here was just days away from getting shut off for non-payment.
I yawned as I pulled his pillow into my arms. “Maybe you should wait and tell me in the morning.” I rubbed my eyes, knowing I was smudging my makeup but too tired to care. “We have four hours to kill on the bus to New York, and I’m positive I’ll be in a much brighter mood then.”
He got up from his desk and sat next to me on the bed. His hand dived into my hair, holding the back of my neck. “I don’t know how to tell you this …” He paused, and my stomach started to act up as I saw the look in his eyes. “But I can’t go with you to Manhattan tomorrow.”
I squeezed the pillow tighter. “Please tell me you’re kidding.”
We’d planned this trip when Brett’s assistant had sent me all the apartments that were within my budget. Seeing the photographs weren’t enough. I needed to visit the small two-bedrooms in person, making sure they were in locations I liked and close enough to the train station. For the first time in my life, I would have a real bedroom, but before I signed a lease, I wanted to feel them out and choose which one felt best.
Ashe had promised to help, escorting me during my very first trip to New York, so I wouldn’t have to do all of this alone.
His thumb was swiping my cheek. “I wish I were, baby.” He glanced down, showing me how hard this was for him. “You know it’s my dad’s sixtieth birthday, and I thought he was going to have a small dinner at the house tonight, but he planned a trip for the entire family, along with Dylan’s, to go to Maine instead. I told them I couldn’t make it, and they laid on the guilt pretty thick.” He turned silent for a moment. “I just don’t feel right about missing it. Every year my dad is in remission, I feel like it’s a birthday we need to celebrate, especially since this is the last one I’ll be home for, for a while.” His eyes met mine again, his filled with a deep sorrow. “I’m sorry, Pearl. This is not what I wanted, and I feel fucking awful about it.”
Tears pricked the backs of my eyes.
Aside from the one trip we’d taken, I had no experience with traveling. Leaving Boston, navigating a whole new city, was so far outside my comfort zone that my body started to shake. I knew I would soon have to do it, and I’d be responsible for Gran, but this felt different. This was almost like a vacation that I was now taking by myself.
“I … don’t know what to say,” I whispered.
“I know you’re disappointed.”
I couldn’t get mad at him; this wasn’t his fault. But I was angry at the situation, at the thoughts that were monopolizing my brain. At the shitty day I’d had and how this escape with Ashe was the only thing I’d been looking forward to.
“I’m a lot of things,” I replied.
He lifted my leg to drape it across his, massaging my thigh once it landed. “I don’t want you to be upset.”
My mind was fast-forwarding to tomorrow. The bus ride, finding the hotel, eating at a restaurant, auditioning for upcoming roles—three days of that, alone, when I was supposed to be doing it all with Ashe.
A knot was slowly building in the back of my throat, an uneasiness moving into my chest.
Maybe this was just a taste of what was to come. Ashe would soon be in Maryland, and Gran would mostly be bound to our apartment.
Me against the world.
Like it had always been, except the stage wouldn’t be familiar. This script unknown. The setting and backdrop completely foreign.
I wanted this, but I was still petrified of it.
“How can I make you feel better?”
I pushed myself to the edge of the bed. The comfort of his mattress, the fluffiness of his pillows, the way he was closing in on my leg—it all felt so suffocating.
“You can come with me,” I told him.
There was pain in his eyes when he replied, “You know, more than anything, I want to.”
That should have counted for something. And maybe it did, but at this moment, I couldn’t feel it.
“You’re going to kick ass this weekend,” he said, his voice so soft. “You’re going to nail your auditions and find an awesome place to live, and Brett is going to be there to make sure it all goes smooth as hell.”
I had five auditions in total—two voice-overs, one commercial, and two fairly large roles in long-standing Broadway plays.
I needed Ashe there to calm me. The nerves were already taking hold, and I hadn’t even gotten on the bus yet.
I shook my head, trying to push down whatever was blocking my throat. “I’m terrified.”
Just because this was my dream, the only thing I’d ever wanted, didn’t mean I wasn’t scared to death to make it a reality. That I wasn’t worried about landing a gig and being unemployed for too long and how I was going to afford our new place and the cost of living in this extremely expensive city. I had a fear of falling so hard on my ass that we would end up in a home that was worse than the one we lived in now.
“I just need you there, Ashe.”
His hand was on my cheek. “I’m sorry I’m letting you down, but you’re so strong, Pearl. I know you’re going to be just fine, and you’re going to nail those tryouts whether I’m there or not.”
What I also needed was for him to stop being so positive and admit how much this sucked. What I needed was for him to be angry about the situation, like I was.
What I needed was for him to be in New York with me.
“Where are you going?” he asked as I climbed off the bed.
“Home.”