An emptiness poured through me with every step.
An ache.
A burning that started in the center of my chest and moved into the back of my throat.
My other hand clenched and released the air, keeping me present but sending my brain far away. During one of the pumps, when my fingers were in the shape of a ball, I pushed against a closed door. I needed some privacy, a place where I couldn’t hear the hospital sounds, where no one could stare at me.
I found myself inside a room with several benches that spanned the width.
Alone.
I threw myself in one of the seats, everything inside me so tight—the air in my lungs, the stiffness in my limbs, the way my heart was barely beating, like hands were closed around it. I’d thought sitting would help. I’d thought taking the pressure off my feet would alleviate this feeling.
It only made me feel worse.
Slowly, I reached into my pocket, resting the envelope on my palm. I traced my finger over my name on the front, seeing the squiggles in each letter, how her hand had trembled when she wrote.
Up until the end, she’d still tried so hard.
Fuck, Gran.
How can you be gone?
We were in this together, and now …
It’s just me.
My head dropped as I peeled open the sealed lip, taking out the paper that was inside, the hospital’s emblem at the top of the stationery. I inhaled as much as my lungs would allow, and I began to read.
My sweet boy,
If you’re reading this, that means I wasn’t able to hold on until Friday—something I wanted so badly because I didn’t want another good-bye to be taken from me. I wanted to thank you in person for giving me so much peace and comfort these last several months, for helping me when it wasn’t your place or responsibility.
* * *
Not often in this world do you find someone, especially your age, who’s willing to sacrifice like you have. Who steps into roles they didn’t sign up for, who has so much goodness in their heart.
* * *
I knew that about you from the minute I laid my eyes on you.
* * *
You weren’t just perfect for my dollface. You’re a kind, good-natured, warmhearted young man with a presence that causes everyone to smile the second you walk into a room.
* * *
That’s what scared her the most, you know. That she had found someone so wonderful and she wasn’t equipped to accept all that you had to offer, that her heart was too scarred to return the love. My baby had all the confidence when she was acting for a role, but that’s where it ended—and it’s not her fault. Her upbringing had taught her how to run—that’s all she knew how to do. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined someone as incredible as you coming into her life, standing at the bottom of the stage, waiting to catch her if she fell.
* * *
I knew it would happen, but never in my dreams could I have picked someone more perfect than you.
* * *
I’m leaving, knowing one thing: you won’t stop until you find her.
* * *
I know she’s alive.
* * *
I’ve had this connection to Pearl from the moment she was born. When she hurts, I hurt. When she cries, my eyes shed the same tears. That’s how I know that if she were gone, I would feel it in my body. My heart would have shattered and stopped beating long before the cancer took me.
* * *
Find our girl, Ashe, and bring her home. Don’t stop looking until you wrap your arms around her. And after you tell her how much you love her, tell her how much I do too. Hold her face with the palm of your hand and look into those precious, gorgeous blue eyes. Tell her that I held on for as long as I could, but even if I’m not here, I’m watching over her.
* * *
I’m standing from my seat, clapping my fragile hands from heaven.
* * *
Take care of yourself, sweet boy. Chase every one of your dreams. Don’t ever let anything cause your beautiful smile to dim. Life is too short to stop running after the things that make you happy. Before you, my dollface had been running in circles for a long time, wearing sneakers that were too tight and never able to catch her breath. You were the reason she took off those shoes. The reason she learned how to really live. The reason her heart is overflowing with love.
* * *
My Pearl has always been more breathtaking than a diamond, and you made her sparkle as though she were standing in the sun.
* * *
All my love,
Gran
Sixty-One
After
Ashe
“Flynn, I need you …” Rivera said after I got to the top of the basement stairs with Cohen, the paramedics standing by with a gurney.
I made sure Cohen was comfortable and that he knew where he was being taken and didn’t need anything from me before they wheeled him off.
Then, I finally turned toward my partner.
“Come with me,” he said and began walking back down the steps into the basement, his shoes making a sound each time they landed on the wood.
I didn’t understand.
Forensics had a lot of work to do down there. Pictures had to be taken and processed, samples had to be collected—it was going to take them all night and probably half of tomorrow morning. And they would want us completely cleared out before they started, so entering again was just delaying their work.
“Where are you going?” I asked halfway down the steps.
“Just follow me.”
My stomach fucking dropped at the thought of what he could be showing me.
Two victims, powerless, whose voices had been taken away, whose lives had been tortured and trashed.
I couldn’t stand the thought of finding more.
As I reached the bottom, he led me past Cohen’s cell and through the rest of the hallway. When I’d been down here the first time, I’d assumed it was a dead end. That was because everything—the walls, floor, ceiling—were the same color, masking the dimension, and the lack of light didn’t show that the hallway actually turned, leading to another door on the right.
He stopped several feet before reaching it and faced me. “I had the officer cut off the bolt.”
“Is there anyone in there? Are they alive?”
He shook his head, breathing deeply, loud enough that I heard every exhale. “Damn it, Flynn …”
This was the first time any emotion had shown on his face. I hadn’t seen it when we entered Little’s house or found Mills or even Cohen.
We had been trained to hide our feelings. In our jobs, they could cost us our lives. But my friend was breaking down, and this was the first time I’d ever seen that from him.
“Are you all right, man?” I put my hand on his shoulder, squeezing.