I turned my body toward her, ignoring my plate. “The moment I realized you were gone, so was my love for medicine. I needed to find you, and there was only one way I knew how.” I rubbed my hands on my pants, stopping myself from reaching for her. “In my closet is a bin that’s dedicated to you. It holds all the notes I took over the years, the people I interviewed, every dead end I hit at the bus station, the hotel in New York. I even spoke to every employee who had been on that day. I documented all of it.”
Until I heard Pearl’s testimony to the police and her legal team, I hadn’t known that she had been on her way to me the morning she was kidnapped. That she had been rushing to the train station to come to my apartment when Little stopped her on the sidewalk, making up a bullshit story to lure her in.
When I had heard that, it’d made me feel even worse.
“You and Gran—that’s all I thought about,” she whispered. “You two were the only things that kept me alive.” Her voice turned even softer. “There were times I wanted to end it. Times I could have forced him to.” She shook her head, tears dripping with each pass. “But I would think of you and Gran, and I couldn’t do it.”
I wiped the drops that fell from her chin and the new ones that formed under her eyes. “Pearl …”
Her lips were quivering. Her chest more labored as the tears increased.
“I want to hug you.”
“Please.” She nodded. “Hurry.”
My arms circled around her, and I lifted her into the air, holding her body against mine. I’d been close to her over the last nine weeks, but this was the first time she’d been in my arms since I’d carried her out of Little’s house.
My hands pressed into her back, her spine no longer protruding now that she had more meat on her bones. And as I held on, I buried my face in her neck, pieces of her wet hair tickling me.
But there was something else.
Something so strong that grabbed ahold of me immediately.
It was her scent.
The cinnamon.
“I’ll never forget that day,” she whispered. “There was the sound of heavy footsteps above. The pounding and sawing followed, filling my head with so many questions. The door unlocked, and then suddenly, you were there. A moment. And I knew this was … when darkness ends.”
A pain tore through my chest, one that shot into my throat and grew with each breath. “I’ve waited so long to do this.” I felt a wetness move through my eyes and lids, and something broke from inside my throat. And with each inhale, the smell of her grew even stronger. “I never lost hope that I would find you again.” I squeezed tighter, feeling her arms do the same around me. “N-never.”
Sixty-Six
After
Pearl
Five and a half months later, and the hole in my chest was becoming lighter. I wasn’t seeing the world in hot-pink tones or wearing rainbow-colored glasses, but the darkness was lifting, and life was starting to make a bit more sense.
Ashe always mentioned when he saw a new change in me.
I was noticing them too.
I would wake when the sky was still dark and open the blinds, going out onto his small balcony with a mug of coffee to watch the sun rise. I wouldn’t squint when the brightness hit my eyes. I wouldn’t use my arm as a visor either.
I would let the luster and warmth melt into my body. Tasting the freedom. Even if that came with decisions and emotions—I was learning to handle both a little more each day.
But I wasn’t doing it alone. Ashe was still here, holding my hand, so incredibly patient with me. There was no pressure, just an ease and rhythm that we had fallen into.
An understanding.
Hope.
But we knew there was healing that had to be done first, trust that I needed to rebuild in my heart, scars that needed more mending, and he was giving me the time and space for that.
Still, we had so much fun together, especially on his days off. Even though each hour was arranged into a schedule, Marlene thought an important part of my recovery was spontaneity, and she encouraged Ashe to surprise me with adventures, knowing he would always respect my boundaries.
He had one planned for today, and as much as I wanted to let him sleep in, that wasn’t usually possible the moment I got into the kitchen since his bed was the couch. But I was craving the taste of coffee, so I quietly opened the bedroom door and was shocked to see he was already up. The blinds were open, just the way I liked to arrange them, and I could smell coffee coming from the kitchen.
He tapped the spot next to him on the couch. “You have to see this.”
I hurried over, and once I took a seat, he spread his blanket over my lap. While we faced the large balcony doors, the sun started to lift.
“Beautiful,” I whispered.
He waited until it got farther in the sky before he broke the silence. “I was thinking of taking a drive today. Would you be up for that?”
“You usually don’t ask.”
“It’s a bit of a long one, and it would require a stay in a hotel. You’ve never slept anywhere but here, so I want to make sure you’re comfortable with the plan.” Before I could say anything, he added, “I checked with Marlene; she knows all about it and has given me her okay.”
Since I’d gotten out of the hospital, we’d only stayed within the city. A long drive told me we could be leaving Massachusetts.
I thought of tomorrow’s schedule. “I do have that meetup with Kerry and David at five. They’re coming here, and we’re ordering pizza.”
Every two weeks, I met with the others. We talked about our progress and failures. We encouraged each other and helped in ways that no one else could. While the both of them were also finding their footing in this world, we shared similar struggles. As heartbreaking as that was, it was also comforting.
“You’ll be back in plenty of time,” he promised.
“Then, let’s do it.”
He smiled, the blue of his eyes even sparkling. “You’re sure?”
I nodded. “Should I go shower?”
“Yes, and then we’ll leave after we’ve had some breakfast.”
My lips tugged into a grin. “I’m looking forward to it.”
I grabbed some coffee and brought the mug into the shower. I quickly washed my hair and body before I climbed out and wrapped myself in a fluffy towel.
Five and a half months, and I still appreciated the scent of soap on my skin. The feel of hair that had been shampooed and conditioned. Water that came out of a spout, hard like raindrops, washing the night away.
I had a small section in Ashe’s closet, where I’d hung the clothes he had purchased for me. Jeans and sweaters, tank tops and shorts. Sneakers and shoes sat on the floor below.
Every time I tried to thank him for everything he did, he would say he wasn’t doing enough. He was the most giving man, all the way down to his core. One day, I would make him understand what this all meant to me. He would see my appreciation rather than just hear it.
Until that day, all I had were my words.
When I finished getting dressed and came out of his room, I heard him in the shower, so I went into the kitchen and started on breakfast. I cracked several eggs right onto the pan and mixed them while they cooked. I added a second pan for the bacon and popped some bread into the toaster. I was plating it all when he walked in.