I don’t even realize I’m crying until tears drip off my chin, sloping down my neck and onto my chest. My heart is breaking in a combination of pain for her and for me. I know she’s having a breakdown, but she will never want me. It will always be him.
“Vivien. It’s Audrey.” Audrey has pulled herself together. Bending over her best friend, she brushes hair back off her face as Alex glares at me like he wants to murder me with his bare hands. “You need to calm down. Please, babe. Just take deep breaths.”
“I want Reeve! I want my husband. God can’t take him too!” She swings tormented eyes on me. “This is all your fault! He knew! Reeve knew I was lying to him! He knew about Easton. He was so mad. So upset. He wouldn’t slow down! I told him to slow down! He wouldn’t listen. He didn’t listen.” The words spill from her mouth in a torrent of anguish and pain while her eyes dart wildly around the room. More words gush from her mouth, in a stream of nonsensical statements, and I’m seriously worried about her mental state. Viv’s sobs echo through the clinical room, and each one strips another layer off my heart.
Her eyes connect with mine again, and there is no warmth in her gaze. “My husband died thinking I betrayed him because you blackmailed me into keeping quiet! He thought I was fucking you!” she croaks, rubbing a hand over her chest. “I hate you!” She beats me with her fists again, but she’s so weak they hardly register. A part of me wishes she was strong enough to inflict real physical pain because it’s the least I deserve.
“I hate you so much, Dillon!” She slaps my face, but I barely feel it. I let her attempt to hit and punch me as Alex presses the button to call the nurse. Audrey has her hand over her mouth, sobbing as she watches her friend self-destruct. “You ruined my life,” Viv sobs, collapsing against her pillow as all the fight leaves her. A line of red stains her blue hospital gown across the middle. “You have taken everything from me, but you can’t have E.” She fixes me with dark eyes. “You don’t deserve him. Reeve is his dad. Reeve will always be his dad. You’ll have to cut my heart out of my chest before I let you take him.”
“Dil.” Ash quietly tugs on my sleeve, pulling me away from the bed. I had forgotten she was even here. “Let’s go.”
“Keep him away from me, Ash!” Viv shouts. “He did this! He did this to me!”
A nurse rushes into the room, and I watch helplessly as Viv is sedated while Ash tries to drag me away. My sister is a feisty, determined little thing, but she’s no match for my height and my weight. Silent tears leak from my eyes as I watch Viv’s eyelids close.
“Get him out of here,” Audrey says, ignoring me and looking at Ash. “Get him out of this hospital. I don’t want him anywhere near Vivien or my godson.”
Jamie enters the room, and together, he and Ash drag me away. I stumble along the hallway, heartbroken and full of self-loathing. Shucking my sister and my best friend off me, I slump to the ground in the hallway, bringing my knees to my chest as I let it all out. I don’t care that others are a witness to this. My chest heaves and my shoulders shake as I cry. Pain pummels me from every angle, and I wish I’d been driving. I wish I was the one lying on a cold table in a morgue. I wish I could rewind the years and do so many things differently.
Ash kneels, bundling me in her arms. “It will be okay, Dil. She didn’t mean it. She’s traumatized and grieving.”
“I fucked up, Ash.” I lift my eyes to her, hardly able to see her through my tears. “I fucked up real bad. Viv is right. This is my fault, and she’s never going to forgive me. She will never get over losing her husband and her baby, and she will always blame me.”
12
VIVIEN
“Are you sure you want to do this now?” Mom asks, stalling at the door to my bedroom.
“I can’t keep putting it off. He’s confused. Every time he asks for his daddy, I fall apart.”
My parents have been keeping Easton sheltered at the house since the accident. They told him Mommy and Daddy were away for a few days, purposely keeping the details vague. Mom knew I would want to tell E myself, but I was so out of it when I returned home, and I’ve been unable to do much more than sleep and cry. My parents deflected his questions, and I know how hard that has been on them. They don’t want to lie to their grandson, and I can’t continue to keep him in the dark. Easton needs to know, and that responsibility falls to me. I’ve been trying to pluck up the courage to tell him for the last twenty-four hours.
How do you tell a five-year-old that his daddy is dead and the little sister he was so excited to meet died in my womb the same night?
How am I expected to go on when it feels like I died that night too?
Thank God for my parents. They have been caring for Easton, and it brought me comfort to know he was well looked after when I wasn’t here to do it and after I came home when I was incapable of doing much of anything.
It’s been four days since I was discharged from the hospital and six days since I lost Reeve and Lainey, but it already feels like an eternity. Tears pump out of my eyes as that thought lands in my mind, and Mom rushes across the floor to hold me in her arms. “Darling, I wish I could take your pain away.”
“The pain helps me to remember, and I never want to forget.”
“Sweetheart.” Mom strokes my hair. “You will never forget them. Don’t cling to the pain because you won’t heal unless you try to let it go.”
“I’ll never heal, Mom. I’ll never get over losing them. I miss Reeve so much already.” Heaving sobs wrack my chest, and I’m crying into her shoulder, clinging to her, wishing I could wake up and discover it’s all been a bad dream. Pain races across my chest, infiltrating my bloodstream, invading every part of my body.
Physically, I’m still suffering after the accident, but that’s the kind of pain I can tolerate. The strong pain meds the hospital prescribed help a lot. I wish there was a pill I could pop to numb the ever-present emotional pain.
“I know, honey. I know how much you will miss him. He’s been such a huge part of your life, but he wouldn’t want this for you. He wouldn’t want to see you like this. He died saving you.”
Mom’s tears mix with my own as they have done so often in the past few days. Reeve was more than just a son-in-law to my parents. He was a son to them, from the instant he was born, except in name. “I know it’s too soon. You need to process these emotions. We all do,” she adds, sniffling. “But you need to find the strength to live because that is the best way you can honor Reeve. And that little boy needs his mommy, now more than ever.”
I want to be there for Easton, but I’ve been so distraught these last few days that I haven’t been able to support him. That ends now. My son needs me, and I need him. He is all I have left. I dry my tears with the sleeves of my silk robe. “I won’t fail Easton. I will fight to go on. For him.”
She kisses my temple. “That’s my girl. But make sure you do it for you too, Vivien. You deserve to continue to live your life to the fullest. It won’t happen yet, or anytime soon, but you are not alone. We are all here for you, and we will be with you every step of the way.”