“Sometimes,” I whisper.
Yeah. Sometimes I miss it.
She smiles. “Well, we’ll have to see what we can do about that.” She drops a kiss on my lips.
Oh. That sounds interesting.
“I like to play, too,” she says, and peeks shyly up at me.
Well. Well. Well. This perfect day just got a whole lot better.
“You know, I’d really like to test your limits,” I whisper.
“My limits for what?”
“Pleasure.”
“Oh, I think I’d like that.”
“Well, maybe when we get home.” I hug her gently, marveling at how much she means to me.
How much I love her.
Who knew I could fall so desperately and completely in love?
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Flynn is at a loss for words.
This might be a first.
I’ve given him an executive summary of all that has transpired since our last session. “So that’s why you came looking for me,” he mutters.
“Yes.”
He shakes his head in disbelief. “Well, first things first. How’s Ana?”
“She’s good. On the mend. Desperate to get back to work.”
“No PTSD?”
“I don’t think so. But it might be too early to tell.”
“I can recommend someone, if she needs a therapist.” He stops and taps his lip with his index finger. “Shall we take this in stages? Let’s start with the pregnancy, and your reaction.”
“Not my proudest moment.” I stare past him at a space on the wall, embarrassed to look him in the eye.
“No,” he agrees, far too readily. “How are you feeling about it now?”
Sighing, I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees. “Resigned. Excited. Scared. In about equal measure. I would have preferred if we’d waited. But now that Junior is on his way…well.” I shrug.
Flynn’s expression is sympathetic, I think. “You don’t truly learn what unconditional love is until you have a child.”
“That’s what Ana says. But I’ve only just learned to love her…” I trail off, unwilling to voice the rest of my thought.
“How can you love someone else, too?” Flynn finishes the sentence for me.
My smile is bleak.
“Christian, knowing your extraordinary need to protect and provide for those who are close to you, those you love, there’s no doubt in my mind that you have an innate capacity to love your own child.”
“I hope you’re right.”
John allows himself a small smile. “We’ll see. You’ll find out in a few months. How are you feeling about Mrs. Lincoln?”
“As if that chapter’s closed.”
Flynn nods.
“I think it helps that I told Ana everything. How it all began and how it all ended. It feels complete.”
“Sounds like it. Any regrets?”
I blow out a breath. “Telling Ana? No. None. Severing my relationship with Elena… Yes. No…”
John purses his lips and I add quickly, “I know you don’t agree. I know what Elena and I did was wrong…what she did was wrong. Her behavior was predatory—I understand that now, but I don’t wholly regret it. How can I? I’ve always believed she was what I needed at the time. She taught me so much.”
He sighs. “She took advantage of a vulnerable adolescent, Christian. You can’t dodge that truth.”
I stare at him.
He’s not wrong.
But I’m not prepared to admit that…yet.
“Give me time,” I state quietly.
He nods. “No doubt we’ll keep coming back to this, so let’s give you some time and we can dig into that again when you’re ready.” He blows out a breath. “I’d like to ask you about the conversation with your parents with regard to your foster placement. How that felt?”
“Strange, for several reasons.”
“Please, elaborate.”
“First of all, I was stunned they were so quick to respond to my call for help.”
“Have they not done that before?”
“Well, yes, they have. My mom was really helpful with Ray, when he was in an accident.”
“But that’s different. She’s a doctor.”
“Yeah. I’m not sure I’ve ever asked them about something so personal before. I think I gave up trying a long time ago. As you know, in my teens, I had a difficult relationship with both of them. And they were so disappointed and disapproving after I dropped out of Harvard.”
Flynn nods. “But as a parent you always think you know what’s best for your child. It’s a lesson worth remembering. Dropping out obviously did you no harm.”
“But the other evening when they came over, they were more than helpful. They brought all that stuff with them.” I point to the manilla folder that Flynn has already leafed through. He reaches for the photograph of the Collier family and their two foster children.
“And that’s Hyde?” He indicates the truculent red-haired boy.
I nod.
“And you. The smallest kid.”
“Yes.”
“It must have been very unsettling for you, not to remember this time.”
“It was.”
“Do you remember more now?”
“Yes. I think it was my mother’s reassurance, that I came to no harm in the foster family’s care, that was the most comforting. It enabled me to let the memories in. Before then, my imagination went wild. I was scared to remember. You know…when you don’t know.”
“Yes. I understand. You believe her?”
“Yes. The recollections I do have are all good.”
“And what of Kristian Pusztai?”
I sigh. “He’s no more.”
Flynn’s brow creases. “Are you sure?”
I scoff. “No. But I think it’s time I grew up and left him behind. My wife told me in no uncertain terms that I need to grow up and smell the fucking coffee.”
Flynn snorts. “Did she, now? Have you told her? About this?” He holds up my birth certificate.