Things were different now. He was different too.
He’d lost it during Emmaline’s slumber party and acted like a jerk, but he was over that. He was done being like everyone else who was quick to condemn, say terrible things, and then go about life blithely ignorant or indifferent to their prejudice. He didn’t even know what was worse: Ignorance or indifference?
Whatever the case, his eyes had been opened.
He could not go back now.
Hayden lived a hard life. She had her armor, but she was interesting and real and different from all his other friends.
Since the night she spent at his house, he couldn’t stop thinking about her. He couldn’t stop wanting to see her again. Be with her again like they’d been together then.
Nolan didn’t regret that kiss. Maybe that made him a bad person, but he couldn’t regret it. It didn’t matter who initiated it because he’d kissed her back. He’d wanted it to happen.
He had kissed her like his life depended on it. As though it was his last act on earth, he had kissed her back. It only confirmed what he had felt for a while now. Or at least how he felt toward Priscilla. He expelled a breath. Apathy.
Okay, so apathy was a decided lack of feeling, but that’s how he felt when he was with Priscilla. That’s how he had felt about Priscilla for quite some time. A lack . . . of everything.
He’d been trying to deny it. He’d fought it because two years was a long time to be with someone. Priscilla had been there for him in what was probably the darkest time in his life—at least as of yet.
Even before his interaction with Hayden, he had actually used the excuse that he needed to give his dog a bath rather than hang out with Priscilla. It wasn’t a lie. He did bathe his dog then, but that only took forty minutes. The rest of the time he had played basketball at the nearby park and watched TV.
It was time to face the truth. He didn’t want to be with Priscilla anymore. He felt awful about how this played out—that it took kissing another girl for him to acknowledge that, but the sentiment had been there for a while now.
He had loved Priscilla. Truly. At least in the beginning. And in the middle. She’d made him feel good when he had felt so bad following Dad’s death.
At home, Nolan had been the rock his mom and sisters needed. He had been there for them while Priscilla was there for him. At first as a friend, and then more. Since freshman year, Priscilla had been a constant in his life.
It was hard letting go of that. He felt disloyal for even considering it. So, he had never allowed himself to consider it.
Until now.
He couldn’t lie to himself anymore.
He wasn’t sure when he had stopped loving her, but now he knew he had, because if he loved Pris, he would not have kissed Hayden Vargas back. He was not the type of guy to love someone and be okay with kissing another girl.
He knew what needed to be done. He just wasn’t sure how to do it.
He dodged Priscilla at lunch, texting her that he needed to go over some college stuff with the counselor. Not true. He hid like a coward in the library, but there was no evading her after school.
“Nolan!”
He stopped at the sound of his name, recognizing the voice instantly. His palms grew clammy with sweat even though his breath fogged in the cold air.
Don’t be a coward. Get it over with.
Tightening his grip on the straps of his backpack, he turned to face her.
“Hey, babe!” She stood on her tiptoes to give him a kiss. He turned his face slightly so that it landed half on his cheek and not on his mouth. It didn’t feel right to accept a kiss from her. Not now. Not with what was coming. “I haven’t seen you all day.”
“Yeah, it’s been busy.” He’d had to be at school early, so she drove herself this morning. There was that small relief.
They walked together through the parking lot, side by side.
“What are you doing tonight? Do you want to study at my house?”
A normal request. He’d studied at her house countless times.
He sucked in a breath. He’d never done this before. Priscilla had been his first serious girlfriend. Breaking up with a girl wasn’t in his repertoire of skills.
He didn’t know how to do it. Maybe there wasn’t any right way. Maybe ugliness was unavoidable.
A year ago, he’d thought they would never break up. He thought they would last, that they would be one of those rare couples to make it—high school sweethearts who went on to marry. It happened. Those couples existed.
At her car, he stopped and faced her. A quick glance around revealed no one nearby. Good. They didn’t need an audience.
“We need to talk, Priscilla.”
She stilled, almost like an animal in the wild. As though she had caught the scent of something . . . blood in the water. She cocked her head to the side, her sleek auburn hair sliding over her shoulder from the motion. “That sounds ominous.”
“I don’t mean for it to be.”
Her gaze locked steadily on his face. “You don’t mean for it to be . . . but you’re not saying anything to reassure me.”
He winced. Reassuring her would just be a lie. “Yeah.” He lifted a hand and rubbed at the back of his neck.
Her expression twisted with emotion. Just a flash of it, and then she composed herself. “Just spit it out, would you?”
He released another gust of breath. “I’m sorry, Priscilla. So sorry. I didn’t want this to ever happen.”
A long beat of silence fell.
A breeze lifted the hair from her shoulders. After a moment, the air stilled and the strands settled back into place.
She nodded stiffly, understanding dulling her eyes. “You didn’t want this to happen,” she said slowly. “But it’s happening. That’s what you’re saying, isn’t it?” Another beat of silence as she considered him. “It’s happening. You don’t want me anymore.”
“Priscilla, what we had—”
“Had? Already speaking in past tense, Nolan? Is it that easy for you?”
“Nothing about this is easy,” he quickly returned. He swallowed against the lump in his throat. “I’ve thought about the best way to do—”
“You’ve thought about this?” She studied him intently, starkly, emotion entering her gaze. “For a while now, it seems. How long have you wanted to break up with me, Nolan?”
He shook his head. No way was he answering that. Even if he could pinpoint the precise moment, he was definitely not going to tell her their relationship had been broken for some time.
“You will always mean a great deal to me. You got me through some really shitty times—”
“Tell me,” she demanded. “How long has our relationship been dead to you?”
He stifled a cringe and wondered what he could say to make this any less awful. “Oh, come on, Pris. Can you honestly say you’ve been happy with me lately? It hasn’t been good between us in a while. It’s nothing like it was in the beginning.”
“Oh, Nolan. Don’t be an idiot. So we’re out of the honeymoon phase. That happens. Relationships are hard work. They’re about compromise. It can’t be all butterflies and rainbows forever.”
He shook his head. That seemed reasonable. Except . . .
“We’re still young, Pris. Not a middle-aged married couple that should have to work at it and compromise,” he countered. “We don’t need to do that. Shouldn’t it still be fun? Exciting? Don’t you want that? You deserve it. We both do.”