Trying to make light of it, she patted his chest. “That was fun. Maybe we can do it again.” She motioned to the door of his truck.
He frowned, looked at his truck and then back to her again. “Hayden . . . I don’t really like the idea of leaving you in there with . . .” He motion toward the house, again searching for the words.
“With my mother?” she finished, letting that hang between them so maybe the ridiculousness would sink into his head.
Nolan shifted on his feet uncomfortably.
She continued with an edge to her voice. “Why? Are you offering for me to move in with you then? Because I live with my mom. Like all the time. This is my life, and I’m quite adept at dealing with it. I don’t need you to save me.” She had seen how he could be with his sister. She didn’t want his pity. She definitely didn’t want to be his little project. She didn’t need saving. She could save herself. She had been doing it for as long as she could remember.
She sighed, wishing she could go back to before. When they were kissing on the couch and she wasn’t thinking at all. There was no Mom with a douche-date. She didn’t have to reveal this part of her life.
“Hayden,” he said gently. “Did you even notice how dilated his eyes were? Clearly he’s on something.”
She snorted. “Yeah, and my mother probably is too. This is my life, Nolan. As ugly as it is. Welcome to my world.” She held her arms out wide at her sides. “You can’t save me from it.”
He blinked and expelled a breath. He was out of his element. And that was okay. She didn’t want him to do anything for her. She just wanted him to go back to being the boy on the couch with his lips on her neck. Not a boy who cared about her or wanted to help her or saw the realities of her life she tried so hard to keep hidden.
This concern, this level of care . . . it wasn’t part of the deal. She didn’t want it from him.
Suddenly, she felt colder. “Just go home, Nolan.”
He glanced at his truck and then back at her. “Do you want to hang out tomorrow—”
“No!” she snapped, and then took a breath to soften her tone. She had set the parameters earlier tonight. Evidently they were a struggle for him. “Let’s just leave it at tonight. It was fun. But let’s stop while we’re ahead.”
His expression hardened. “That’s it then? I tell you I’m worried about you and that I care about you and you’re ready to kick me to the curb?”
“Care about me?” His words felt like a chokehold. “You don’t care about me. I’m Hayden Vargas. The girl your sister hired for kissing lessons. Remember that? You know what everyone says about me. You thought the same thing. I’m the school slut, remember? The only reason you’re even here tonight is because you’re single now and looking to . . .”
“And looking to what?” he demanded.
She shook her head in disgust, crossed her arms over her chest, and settled into silence. There was nothing else to say.
He continued, “You act so strong and so tough.” He inhaled. “But I never took you for a coward.”
She dropped her arms to her sides. “I’m a coward? Just because I don’t want to be with you? What? Did you think I could be the next Priscilla in your life? We agreed this was just for fun. Nothing serious.”
“No! I never expected you to be like Priscilla. I just want you as you are.”
She scoffed. “You don’t want me.”
He ignored her. “I want to be with you and I want us to see where this can go . . .”
“Where it can go?” She laughed bitterly. “This is not going anywhere. Sure, you could probably get in my pants. You touch me and I melt like butter, but that’s the only place we will ever go. It’s just chemistry. It’s only physical. There’s nothing deeper than that. You’re going off to school somewhere where you’ll meet another Priscilla and I’ll move out of this house and finally get my own life.”
He nodded slowly, as though processing. “If you’re not careful, when you get that life, you’re going to live it all alone.”
Did he think that scared her? That’s what she had been planning all along. A safe life all by herself that she could control. She looked skyward and then at him again.
His face was flushed. She knew she had upset him. Good. He expected too much from her, and he needed to realize that this couldn’t be anything more. She needed him to quit. Like everything in her life, she needed him to quit on her.
She had plans that did not include Nolan. She smiled at him and he blinked, clearly not expecting a serene smile from her while they were arguing like this.
“That sounds good to me, Nolan. No. Actually, it sounds perfect.”
Lesson #28
It’s all about confidence, even if you’re just pretending.
x Emmaline x
Emmaline’s mom was washing dishes when she walked in the house with Beau behind her.
She’d invited him inside, not sure if he would accept the offer—especially after the awkwardness that was now between them. It just seemed the thing to do. Over the years, he’d spent more time in the Martin household than his own. He’d agreed to come inside for Nolan. Of course. It was the reason Beau was in her life in the first place. He didn’t want to come inside because of her. He didn’t want to come inside for her. Whatever happened in the truck was a fluke. I want to kiss you, Pigeon. He was Beau Sanders. Maybe for a moment he forgot she wasn’t just a random girl.
“Hey, guys,” Mom greeted as she dried her hands with a dishtowel. She glanced at the clock. “Party no fun? It’s only ten. Didn’t expect you until curfew.”
Emmaline shrugged. “It was okay.”
“Well, there’s leftover pizza from Zio’s. Savannah and I went there after the movie. It’s in the fridge if you want some.”
Emmaline glanced around the kitchen. “Where is Savannah?”
“She got invited to spend the night with Maddie. I dropped her off on the way home.” Mom looked at Beau. “Nolan is in his room.” She tossed the dishtowel on the counter. “I’m heading up to bed.” She pressed a kiss to Emmaline’s cheek. “See you in the morning, sweetheart.”
“Good night,” Beau said as Mom headed for the stairs.
“Night, Beau.” She waved without looking back behind her.
Beau was just like another one of her kids to her. As commonplace as a piece of furniture. It was almost insulting. She didn’t bat an eye over going to bed and leaving Emmaline alone with him.
Standing in the now empty kitchen, they stared at each other, tension swirling all around them.
Beau cleared his throat. A muscle in his cheek twitched, the only outward sign that he was affected. He glanced toward the stairs and then looked back at her. “I’ll go catch up with Nolan.”
Yeah, in case there was any confusion. He was here for her brother and not her. They established that. “Sure. Okay.” She nodded jerkily.
He took the stairs and she waited a moment, not wanting to follow him directly.
Once his steps stopped thudding on the stairs, she hurried into the shelter of her own bedroom. She stripped off the sweater she’d borrowed from Sanjana and squeezed out of her skinny jeans. Unclipping her bra, she slid it off her shoulders and dropped it to the floor.