“On which day?” I have to pick up Indie by five, but maybe I could figure something out one day a week.
“As many as you can.”
“Oh. I didn’t realize we would meet so often.”
“Not forever, but for the first month or so, I think it would be good to have a time scheduled to touch base. This is a really hands-on process with the goal being that you have a finished manuscript next spring. I will give you everything I have, knowledge, resources… but you have to work hard too.”
With a gulp, I nod. “Of course. I appreciate the offer. Can I think about it?”
She cocks her head to the side. I doubt anyone ever has to think about it. It’s such a great opportunity, but how am I going to make it work? I can’t expect Lindsey to be available to help when John and I are busy. I could hire a sitter, but I already feel guilty about the number of hours Indie is in daycare.
“It’s just that I have a daughter. She’s almost two and juggling it all is… taking more of a toll than I expected.” It feels good to admit it out loud. I am struggling. School is taking more time than I expected. It’s harder, too. And Indie is more active every day. I thought the baby years were hard but keeping up with her now is exhausting. I want to do it all, but maybe it’s time to acknowledge it’s more than I can handle on my own.
Her smile is warm and understanding. “Sure. Take as much time as you need.”
My legs move slowly back to my car. Maybe if I went part-time. The thought of extending college for another three or four years, instead of two, makes my stomach cramp. Can I manage being a mom and a full-time student for that long?
I let myself into the apartment and force a smile for Indie as she runs toward me. “Hey, sweet girl.”
John stands from the couch. He’s still dressed in the team travel jacket. “Hey.”
“Linds leave?”
“Yeah. About ten minutes ago.”
I nod and set my purse on the dining room table.
He closes the distance between us and wraps me in his arms. “I missed my girls.”
“Da-da.”
We both freeze and look down at Indie.
“Did she just say dad?”
My heart squeezes. “Yes.”
He scoops her up and kisses her face. “That’s right, sweet cheeks. Daddy.”
She tries it again.
“Traitorous thing.” I smile. “She’s only said mama once and I’m starting to believe I made it up in my head.”
He carries her into the living room, and I follow. We sit on the couch and Indie grabs for his phone. I’m surprised when he hands it over so easily.
“She likes to look at my pictures,” he says by way of explanation.
“She also likes to put things in the bathtub.”
“I’ll keep an eye on her.” He sits back against the couch and pulls Indie onto his lap. “What did your advisor want to talk about?”
I pick at a piece of lint on my pants. “She selected my book from pitch fest. She wants to work together.”
“That’s amazing.” He bounces Indie on his legs. “Yay, mommy.”
She claps a couple of times and then goes back to swiping through pictures on his phone.
“Congratulations.” He kisses me quick.
“Thanks. It’s great, but I’m not sure it’s the best idea right now.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I’m already burning the candle at both ends, trying to get schoolwork done and take care of Indie.”
“I can help more.” His forehead wrinkles in concentration.
“I know that you mean well, but you don’t have the extra time to give either. I have to focus on what’s important right now. Taking care of Indie and finishing school. Everything else will have to wait. I think that needs to include us.”
He looks completely crestfallen. “You don’t want to be with me?”
“I do, of course I do, but I’m overwhelmed. I need to slow down a little.”
“A little or a lot?”
“I’m not sure.”
“What about Indie?”
“You can still see her, of course. She’s absolutely in love with you.” We both are if I’m being honest. I think I fell for him the first night and I don’t think I ever really stood back up. “We’ll work out a schedule that works for both of us.”
“I don’t want to lose you, Rylee. My life finally feels like it makes sense. Why I spent the last few years feeling off-balance and unsure of my future. I was waiting for you and Indie.”
“You won’t lose us. Ever.” I plaster a big smile on my face even though my heart breaks. What if he finds someone else or decides that waiting for me isn’t worth it?
We spend the next hour working out a schedule. It all feels so tragic. I want to spend every moment as a family of three, but the reality is that I need to make sure I have time for studying. And John needs time with Indie by himself. He’s a great dad that just needs more practice doing it on his own.
“I guess I should go,” he says. “It isn’t technically my night, but do you want me to take her so you can work on stuff?”
“No. Thank you. I’ll bring her by The White House tomorrow morning.” I can’t think of anything I want more than to cuddle my baby girl all night.
“Okay.” He shoves his hands in his pockets.
“Wait.” I leave him in the living room while I run to my bedroom and get the book I made. “This is for you. It’s sort of like a memory book. I started it when she was a baby. Every month I wrote a little about something funny or amazing she’d done, then added in the pictures.”
He takes it into his hands and stares down at the cover. It’s a picture of Indie as a baby. Her first smile. “Thank you.”
“Of course.”
He gives me an awkward kiss on the cheek, and I walk him toward the door. “See you later, Rylee.”
“See ya,” I whisper.
And then he leaves.
Chapter Ten
John
I’m lying in the middle of the court, my back against the hard wood, staring up at the ceiling. The ball rests on my stomach, one hand holding it in place. I love the feel of the worn leather against my palm. It’s comforting. Uncomplicated. Everything this situation isn’t.
“Thought I might find you in here.” Shaw’s voice echoes in the quiet gym.
I don’t look up but feel him take a seat next to me. “Are you okay?” he asks. “Been a week and you’ve said less than two sentences. You didn’t even scold Conner for sitting down as he handed out cups at the party last night.”
“Doesn’t matter. It’s all bullshit.”
“From the man who once told me that a good host was the hallmark of a baller party.”
“That isn’t what I was talking about.”
“I know. It’s just a pause. You two will find your way back to one another. Look at me and Sydney. We almost got together and then didn’t. We still made our way back. You and Rylee will too. You guys have a lot going on right now.”