I wasn’t sure how I was going to bring this up. I’d spent the past few days since I learned about it to decide what I wanted to do, and I figure I’d better get it over with before I lose my nerve.
Her smile falls. “What is it?”
“I got offered a job.”
She brightens a little. “At the fire department?”
Well, I had, but I couldn’t tell her that. Shaking my head, I say, “No, another contract. This one for nearly double what I usually work and what’s basically a promotion. It’s something I’ve been working for my whole life.”
“You did? A promotion, wow. You must be really hot stuff, huh?” Her expression is a mixture of surprise, pain, and false happiness.
Somehow, it’s worse that she’s trying so hard to be happy for me. Indecision chokes my words, but I say, “Yeah, I apply for them every year. The listings normally don’t go up for a few months, but I wasn’t sure how we, this, everything was going to work out, so when I saw it, I applied as a contingency.”
Her smile is kind and understanding, which shouldn’t feel like a knife to the heart, but it does. “You don’t have to explain yourself. I know I was emotional about your job in the beginning, but I can’t be mad at you for doing something you love. I saw you after the storm. I could never be so calm and brave like you were. If this is what you want to do, it would be wrong of me not to support you. You’re a great firefighter, Walker. A good person. Gracie will always be proud to call you her dad.”
I slump back against the couch. “What made you change your mind?”
“Well, I’ve seen you with Gracie and I can’t deny you’re so good with her. Even though you may not be the type of dad who’s there every day, you’re a man she can be proud to call her father and that matters more than anything to me. I was wrong. I had no right to dictate what your relationship would be. If you want to fight wildfires every year, I’m sure we can figure out a way to make your relationship with Gracie when you’re here the best it can be.”
“Do you really mean that?” I can’t tell from her expression or her voice what she’s feeling. No doubt she’s drawing from that well of inner strength—or maybe that’s my vanity talking. And then I feel like shit. I shouldn’t want her to be upset that I’m leaving.
“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.”
“What about us?”
At this, she pulls away and I feel the distance settle between us like a rock. “I think you were right. What’s most important is that you and Gracie have a positive relationship. I don’t ever want to come between you two or you following your dreams.”
“What if I said I wanted to make it work? All of it?”
“How would we do that?” she asks.
“Well, we could start by going out on an actual date.”
To my relief, she laughs, but her eyes are somber. “If we did that eventually you would feel obligated to stay and you would start to resent me. Or I’d get insecure about you being away so much. I don’t want that to sour anything and affect your wanting to be with Gracie.”
“Nothing would ever affect my wanting to be with Gracie. I’ll admit, at first my instinct was to bolt. I’ve run from being tied down like this my whole life. My father never got over being married and not chasing his dreams. When we lost my brother, it damn near broke him and I swore I’d never fall into that trap.”
“Exactly,” Avery says. “I don’t want you to try and stay for me. Whatever you do, we’ll make sure Gracie gets time with you. When you’re off season or on vacation when she’s older, she can visit or stay with you when she’s in town.”
There’s a glint in her eye and for the first time I don’t think I’m going to be able to convince her otherwise when she has her mind set. “Is this really what you want?”
“I only want you to be happy. If this contract makes you happy, I think you should take it. I won’t ever stand in your way of doing what you love, Walker.”
The hardest thing I’ve ever done was walk away from the two of them the next morning knowing I wouldn’t be seeing them again for a long, long time.
Then realizing if shit went sideways, it could be the last time I ever saw them.
Chapter Twelve
Avery
If I had any doubts about how the short time with Walker had affected Gracie, they’re extinguished by how cranky she is in the days following his departure. She may only be a baby, but she can certainly tell when her world is not as it should be.
I rock her back and forth, jiggling her in my arms and shh-ing with all my might, but nothing helps. Like me, she’d gotten used to having him around and now she doesn’t like it when he’s gone. Her face is flushed red and angry tears leak from the corners of her eyes. Nothing has ever made me feel as helpless, not even being in the middle of a hurricane, as not being able to comfort my baby.
Kissing her forehead, I murmur, “I understand, honeybee, but Daddy had to go fight fires. He’ll be back in a few months to see you. He promised.”
I’d come to the realization after we kissed that if I truly cared for Walker like I thought I did, then that meant I had to give him the space to come to terms with being a father on his own. I couldn’t force a happy relationship with Gracie—or with me—not after I’d stolen it from him in the first place. I would do my best to facilitate, but it would be up to him.
“It’s the right decision,” I tell the fussing baby. “You’ll understand when you’re older. God, what a total mom thing to say.”
Eventually, she settles down into a fitful sleep on my chest. I park myself on the couch to give us both some rest before my next shift at work. Gracie will be going back to the evening daycare, which I’m already dreading, but it is what it is. Life goes on. As evidenced by the healing community around me every day, life goes on, but only if you put in the effort.
Gracie fights me at drop-off, and I arrive at the restaurant already ready to go home. I’m not in the mood for the rude, entitled customers or the grabby hands, but I have a baby to raise and Grandma Rosie’s night nurse isn’t cheap, even after her insurance pays their portion.
Life goes on.
The thought rolls around in my brain over and over.
Life goes on.
Before Walker, I was passing through the days and weeks and years, just trying to keep my head above water. That one night with him had been like a buoy, reminding me I didn’t always have to struggle through it alone. Even through the trials of pregnancy and birth, I’d held on to the feeling of having his arms around me, protecting me. Sheltering me. It’s the safest I’ve ever felt.
I shake my head and try to clear it of thoughts of him. My eyes catch on a customer and I nearly do a double take until I realize I’m not seeing things. Either Walker has a twin or he’s sitting at the same table he’d been at the night we first met.
Still thinking I’m dreaming, I walk toward him in a daze. “Walker?”
His mouth lifts in a half grin, no doubt at my dumbfounded expression. “You look surprised to see me.”