“What things?”
I wave a hand to our surroundings. “You don’t have to get us a generator and gas or clear out my backyard. Those things aren’t your responsibility.”
“Like you didn’t think a baby was my responsibility.”
“That’s not fair.”
“I think in this circumstance, I’ll get to decide what’s fair.” He props the chainsaw on the tree stump and moves closer to me. “I’ve had a lot of time to think over the past few weeks and I think what pisses me off the most is that you made the decision for me about one of the most important things that can happen in a man’s life. That wasn’t fair. You don’t get to make that choice for someone else.”
I don’t know if it’s the hormones, the heat, or the sting of righteous condemnation in his eyes, but I find my own temper rising. “That’s what being a parent is all about. You think I didn’t agonize about not trying harder to find you and let you know? It’s all I thought about since I found out I was pregnant. But it wasn’t about me and it wasn’t about you. I had to do what I thought was best for my daughter. I’ve been through the loss of a parent. I didn’t want to do that to her.”
His eyes flash. “And what makes you think she’d have to lose me?”
“Look at your job! You jump into fires for a living, Walker. You’re gone most of the time and there could be a day when you don’t come back. What kind of life is that for a child? Would you want that for her?” When he doesn’t answer, I push on. “It was that indecision that kept me from trying harder. That and we didn’t know each other! We only spent one night together. How was I supposed to know the right thing to do? I made a mistake. I’m human. I promise I’m going to make more of them. Becoming a parent will surely teach you that.” Striving for calm, I continue, “But I want to make things right. I want you to meet her. To figure out what you want your place in her life to be. Whatever that is, we’ll deal with it and I promise as long as you’re in our lives, I won’t ever keep anything from you again.”
When he says, “Are you done?” I nearly impale him with the chainsaw.
Instead, I gesture for him to speak before I commit a felony.
“I don’t know where you and I go from here.” I can’t hide my wince at that, but it’s what I was expecting. “But I do know I want the chance to figure this out. I never planned on having a family, for the reasons you listed and more, but she’s here and she’s mine. I owe it to her and to me to see exactly what that means.”
I know if I don’t say the words then I never will, so I blurt, “And us?”
His gaze meets mine. The spark I felt when we first met blazes to life between us. Sensing it, he takes a step back and I can’t deny that hurts. “I don’t know about us. I think we should take this slow and focus on one thing at a time. The baby—what did you say her name was?”
“Rosalynn, for my grandma. Rosalynn Grace. I mostly call her Gracie, though.”
“Gracie,” he murmurs, his eyes a little misty. “Well, Gracie deserves our attention now.”
I know this is progress, I know I should be happy, but I can’t help but feel like I’ve lost something that could have been amazing.
Chapter Nine
Walker
“I’m not sure if I ever really thanked you for the generator. It was really a lifesaver. I think Grandma Rosie would have melted without it.” Her shy little smile throws me back to the night we met. How I thought I’d do anything just to see her aim that smile in my direction. “So thank you, really. I appreciate it more than you know.”
“You’re welcome, but I bet you’re happy to have electricity back on.” I pass Gracie from one arm to another. For a baby, she certainly has some chunk on her. She grins toothlessly at me and I find myself smiling back down at her. My family and I aren’t close anymore. I come back to Battleboro to check on them because I imagine it’s what my brother would want me to do so the feelings of love and connection I feel so quickly for this little girl simply astound me. “Aren’t you Gracie-girl?”
“More than you know. Do they have power restored where you’re at?” Avery asks.
“Last week. I have to tell you, it was nice taking a hot shower again.” I don’t say that I’m almost sad about it. Restoring utilities, getting most of the roads cleared for the most part, it means I won’t be as needed here. The fire department is already scaling back hours for the volunteers. I never thought I’d say it, but I almost like the small crew of down-to-earth guys there. A far cry from the egos I’m used to.
“Agreed. Cold ones are fun when it’s ninety degrees outside, but I missed bubble baths. Now if only we could get internet back up and running.”
I try not to think about Avery naked and covered in bubbles. I try and fail. “They still haven’t gotten yours fixed?”
Avery smiles sadly. “No, and they said it could be months, but I guess that’s to be expected. Data is working faster on our phones and tablets, but they throttle it in the evenings, so everything runs as slow as a turtle.”
“You know you can always come to my place. Mine is back up.” And maybe I like the thought of her, the baby and even Grandma Rosie with me doing things like the dishes and watching her grandma’s trash T.V.
At this, she pauses gathering the dishes from lunch. “Thank you. That’s nice of you to offer.”
“It’s no problem. I’m hardly ever there anyway.”
“Is the fire department still going door to door?”
That’s not the reason I’m never there. It’s because I can’t stand the quiet. It’s why I’m always here when I’m not working or training. “Not so much anymore.” Gracie coos and gnaws on a teether in my lap. Avery says I’m crazy, but I’m almost positive she’s going to be popping out some teeth soon. “We’re mostly working on a volunteer basis to get more roads cleared out. When do you go back to work?”
“Monday, unfortunately. I’ve been enjoying the time off to spend with Gracie and Grandma Rosie, but with the restaurant opening back up—finally—I can’t put it off anymore. They won’t hold off on demanding payment on bills forever. I just hate that I have to send Gracie girl back to daycare.”
Studying the baby in my arms, I find myself saying, “Why don’t you let me watch her?”
Avery pauses in drying a plate. “Really? You want to do that?”
“If you don’t mind. I think it’d probably be a good idea for us to spend some more time together. You work the evenings, right?” At her nod, I say, “That’s perfect. I can switch around for the day shift and watch Gracie at night when you work.”
At her look, I say, “What?”
“Are you sure? I can’t imagine you dealing with diapers and bottles all day.”
“And you know me so well,” I say and she pauses for a minute before realizing I’m teasing.
“Ha, ha, very funny,” she says and flings a handful of soap bubbles at me. “I mean you do know infant CPR, so that’s a plus.”