I stand from the table, my sandwich uneaten. Ashley might not be making me feel better, but she is pissing me off, which is better than being depressed. “I know you don’t get it. None of you do, and it’s making everything harder for me!” I exclaim. Yes, I may be wallowing in a bit of self-pity at the moment.
“Wait, wait. I’m sorry. I swear I’m not criticizing. I’m just worried about you. We all are.” She pulls me back, and because I’m already falling apart, I fall into her arms for a hug.
“I’m okay. I’m happy with Pavel. I know it doesn’t seem that way right now, but I am. We’re getting closer. It’s more than just sex now. I think that may actually be why this is getting harder.”
“Because he can’t be your boyfriend?” she asks gently.
I bristle. “He is my boyfriend. He just can’t be here. And he’s moving to Russia.” My shoulders sag.
“I don’t know, Kay. From the outside, it really seems like this thing is hurting you.”
I wipe my tears. “It’s not.” I draw in a terraced breath.
“Promise me something?”
“What?” I ask.
“That you’ll draw a line at this affecting your career.”
“It won’t.”
“Promise me now. If it does, you’ll end things. I don’t want to see you throw away everything you’ve worked so hard for.”
“I promise.” Pavel would never interfere with my career. He knows how much it means to me.
My phone on the table dings with a text, and I walk over to look at it. It’s from Pavel. I’m waiting.
I hear the words in his dommy voice, the one that turns me aflutter. I pick up my sandwich and eat the whole thing while I stand there, not caring that Ashley’s still watching me. “Pavel said I had to eat,” I explain.
“Well, good,” Ashley says. “I’m glad he’s looking out for you.”
I nod, relieved that I’d decided to call him. I didn’t want to seem clingy or desperate or weird, but I also just… needed him. When I finish my sandwich, I gulp down the milk and call him.
“Have you eaten?” he asks.
“Yes, Master,” I murmur, ducking my head and mumbling so Ashley won’t hear, even though they’ve overheard me before.
“Good girl. How are you feeling now?”
“A little better.”
“I want you to put some shoes on and get outside for a walk.”
“Um, okay.” I say, heading into my room to pull on a pair of sneakers. I throw on my jean jacket and head to the door. “All right, I’m heading out.”
“Good. I’m going to walk with you, blossom, and I want you to tell me what you see. What’s beautiful out there on your walk—besides you?”
I laugh softly, already starting to feel soothed. “Oh. Um… okay. Well, right now I’m in the elevator.”
“What’s beautiful?”
What’s beautiful… in an elevator? I look around, seeing it with a new lens. “Well, it’s clean. Pretty basic. But it always runs well. It smells like lemons.”
“Like lemons?”
“Yeah. Must be the cleaner. But it’s nice.” The elevator doors open, and I walk outside. “There’s a palm tree in front of my building, and it dropped some of its bark. I stop over the piece of bark and stare down at it. “It’s in the shape of a heart.” I tilt my head. “Actually, it kind of looks like a bodice that’s been ripped open by a lover.”
“Mmm. A rough lover.”
“Yes.” I walk on, looking around for something else to report. I notice the concrete planter boxes at the end of the sidewalk and walk over to examine the plants there.
“You like it rough, malysh?”
“Yes.” I finger the green striped leaf of the trailing plant that grows inside, contrasting with the purple leaves of a wandering Jew. I walk on, looking at a woman pushing a stroller across the street. “I see a toddler with pink pants and kicking feet,” I report. “And tiny Crocs on her feet.”
“Hmm. What else?”
“A jacaranda tree. My favorite.”
“What does it look like?
“It has beautiful purple flowers. They’re in bloom now.”
We continue on our walk, me seeking out and naming all the beautiful things in my neighborhood, until I loop back around the block in front of my place.
“How do you feel now, blossom?”
“Better,” I say. It’s true. I do. I’m calm and steady now. The act of looking for beauty, or maybe just noticing the world around me instead of the turmoil inside, brought me peace. I may not be my usual Energizer Bunny self, but I certainly feel grounded.
“What time do you need to go to the studio?”
“Not until this evening. They’re filming today but wanted me to stop by for a cast meeting at six.”
“What can you do to make yourself feel good this afternoon?”
I lean into the question to feel for an answer. “I think I’ll go get groceries. And maybe clean my room.”
“Would that make you feel better?”
“Yes.”
“All right. Text me when you’re finished with those things.”
A puff of warmth fills my chest. “I will. Pavel?”
“Yes, little flower?”
“Thank you.”
“YA lyublyu vas.”
“What’s that mean?”
“I love you.” He ends the call before I can respond. I hold the phone to my chest, eyes filling with tears.
This can’t be wrong, what we have together.
I know it’s not wrong.
Pavel
Where are you, Pavel? You are in deep shit with me.
I ignore Ravil’s text and ring the bell of Kayla’s fourth floor apartment. I should have visited her in her own apartment before today. That fact makes me grit my teeth with self-disgust as I wait for an answer. It’s yet another indicator that I am ill-equipped to be a boyfriend.
Kimberly answers, and she’s not impressed with my arrival. Not that I expected her to be. She cocks a hip and surveys me, tossing her long dark hair over one shoulder. “Dude, she does not need this distraction right now.”
I push past her and into their living room, looking around at the cluttered but friendly space.
“You know she’s supposed to go to the studio tonight, right? For her new part?”
I ignore her. “Kayla.” I don’t raise my voice, don’t put a question mark on the end. That’s not my style.
A door bursts open. “Pavel!”
The two seconds it takes her to sprint across the room and wrap those slender legs around my waist take all the oxygen from the room. I squeeze her tight, closing my eyes and breathing in her spring meadow scent.
“Blossom,” I murmur.
“What are you doing here?”
“I had to make sure you were okay. Are you?”
She lifts her face from where it’s buried in my neck. “I am now.”
“Thank fuck.” I walk her back into her bedroom and kick the door shut behind us. “Let me see you.” I lay her on the bed. She looks like a goddess with her hair curled in soft waves and make-up that gives her a fresh dewy look. “You look beautiful, blossom. Are you ready for your meeting tonight?” I try to lower her to her feet, but she keeps clinging to me like a koala bear. So damn adorable.