“Serenity?” Martina’s voice is soft as she knocks.
Shit. I get up and splash some water on my face, hoping to tone down the splotchy red spots.
“I’ll be out in a minute,” I call back to her.
“Ren, what’s going on? Are you okay?” Martina continues, even with a thick steel door between us.
“I’m fine.”
“Yeah right. Unlock the door.”
I do as she says and her face tells me she’s not buying it. Martina steps into the bathroom with me and crosses her arms over her chest. “Spill it, girl. I know you well enough to see there’s something going on.”
If I tell her, I could put everything in jeopardy, and there’s no way I’m doing that. For now, I need to keep this to myself and figure out what I’m going to do. “I’m overwhelmed.”
Her brows raise. “That’s what has you locking yourself in the bathroom? Why not go to the on-call room, which is where you usually hide when you need it?”
“I don’t want to see Westin,” I say honestly. He’s the last person I want to see right now.
How is that for timing? I finally start to give my heart a small chance at healing, and the cause of its destruction shows back up. Okay universe . . . I hear you. No love for me.
Martina watches me closely, but seems to buy it. “What made you say you saw a ghost?”
Shit.
“That patient reminded me of my mother.”
It could be true.
“Oh, Ren.” Martina’s arms wrap around me. She pulls me close and disappointment floods my system. I have two real friends in this town and I just lied to one.
I hate myself for this. I loved him and the lies I told myself when we ended were that it was for the best. Bryce wanted things from me I couldn’t give him. We were so hot and heavy in college, the world couldn’t touch us. Until I got into med school.
Then what I thought was unbreakable broke within weeks.
Seeing him brought it all back.
He was the only bright spot in my life and then the world went dark, and I retreated, vowing never to let myself be hurt again.
Now he’s here and all that I buried is right back at the surface. Once I remove Allison from the trial and find a way to convince her to do the right thing, he’ll be gone and I can go back to my life.
I pull back, not wanting Martina’s comfort when I don’t deserve it. “I need to take care of something, okay?”
“Of course. Let me know if you need my help. Just so you know, two more trial patients checked in.”
I’ll deal with the Bryce and Allison thing later. It’s my job to be a doctor and treat the others who came to me. My issues aren’t important in comparison, so I’ll do what I’m pretty damn good at—putting them aside.
“I’ll be right there.”
She heads out and I stare at myself in the mirror. I take a deep breath, reminding myself of the person I am now. “You are not the same girl you were. You’re a doctor, a friend, and a strong woman. No man can make you feel unloved and unworthy. You can do this.”
It’s been many years since I’ve had to utter those words aloud, but I need them today.
I head to the room of the second trial participant and pray I can avoid seeing Bryce. Luck has never been my friend, though. As I place my hand on the door of my next patient’s room, he exits Allison’s room. Our eyes meet and I see the conflict in his blue eyes.
My pulse races at the sight of him, but I remember he’s not mine and he doesn’t know me anymore. I guess he was right, that girl died fourteen years ago when he let her go so easily.
I turn my head, and enter the room to do what I was put on this earth to do.
After the remaining patients are registered and have the instructions for tomorrow, I sit in the on-call room charting notes. There is one patient I have to release, due to her scans coming back outside of the trial range.
I enter her room and she looks over with hope in her eyes. “Dr. Adams? Hi, I’m so excited about this trial and . . .”
“Lindsay, I got your scans back and I have a few concerns,” I say as delicately as possible.
“What’s wrong?”
I step closer, hoping to ease her tension, but there’s nothing that will comfort her. Telling her that the tumor has grown again and that this chemotherapy won’t help is a devastating blow.
My emotions are on shut-down mode. I’m not Serenity Adams, daughter, sister, friend, and kind-of-sort-of-girlfriend. I’m Dr. Adams, world-class surgeon and kicker of cancer’s ass. I don’t have feelings, just facts.
“The scans show that there’s no way I can save the ovaries, even with this treatment. The tumor has grown and I’m afraid I need to schedule you for surgery immediately. If I find what I believe I will, you won’t be eligible for the trial anymore. I’ll have to perform a full hysterectomy. I’m very sorry.”
Some doctors follow up with more, but there’s no point. Most people only hear the first sentence, so I try to give the bad all at once.
The hope that was in Lindsay’s eyes is gone and is replaced with tears. They fall as the words I spoke start to sink in. “That’s it? There’s no chance? My uterus too? This is the end for me, isn’t it?”
“It’s not the end. I’m still going to do everything I can to fight the cancer, but most likely the scan isn’t showing the whole picture, so I have to go in surgically to determine and deliver the best course of action.”
I will fight to the end with her.
“I can’t afford . . .”
“Hey,” I stop her. “You’re my patient and there are a lot of things we can look into. I don’t want you to worry about that. My nurse Martina is very good at getting financial help for patients.”
“I don’t know how to do this,” she admits with tears in her eyes. “How do I tell my fiancé that . . . that I won’t be a complete woman anymore? That I can’t carry our kids?”
I make a mental note to help her find a support group and counseling as well as financial help, if it comes to that. Lindsay is twenty-six years old and it’s possible she’ll have a complete hysterectomy if I find what I believe I will. I can’t imagine having to make this choice at her age.
“Believe me, this isn’t what I want to do, so if I get in there and it’s not what I think it might be from looking at the scan, I’ll take what I have to. We will have our reproductive team there in case there are any eggs they can freeze, and then you could at least have a surrogate, but I want you to be prepared for whatever the possibilities are.”
Most of my patients have already had eggs harvested, but Lindsay wasn’t one of them. She couldn’t afford it, but since I’m going in, it won’t be considered an elective procedure. If I can get anything for her, I will.
“The possibilities have ended,” she says looking out the window. “I don’t care. Take it all.”
I take another step closer, place my hand on her shoulder, and watch her lip quiver. “I’m going to do what I can, okay?”
She nods.
“Why don’t you call your fiancé and family? I’ll schedule you for tomorrow morning and give you some time to talk to everyone.”