I close my eyes while shaking my head. “How does she not know? I don’t understand any of this.”
He waits and I finally bring myself to look at him again. “She doesn’t know you ever existed.”
Pain once again lances through me. I wanted to believe I had meant more to him. He proposed to me, loved me, was willing to risk everything to make things work, and then I left him.
“Well, then.”
My mind reels, knowing this won’t work. It’s not good for anyone involved, and if she doesn’t even know that he and I were engaged at one point, there’s no way I can pretend. It’s not fair to her. She deserves a doctor who will be one hundred percent committed to her care, and keeping secrets could derail her. It’s a conflict even if in the eyes of an ethics board there is no transgression. In my eyes—it is.
His eyes meet mine and I see the anger burning. “Don’t judge me. I did what I had to in order to survive you leaving me.”
“It wasn’t like that . . .”
“It was exactly like that, Chick. I asked you not to go, and you did. Then you moved on.”
He acts as though I wanted to go. As though leaving the man I was engaged to was a goal. It wasn’t. My mother was sick, and I had to be here for my family. He chose to go to grad school.
“You can’t really believe you were the only one broken. You have no idea how hard it was for me.”
He puts his hand up. “I can’t do this with you now. I needed to talk to you before you see Ali again. She’s been asking a lot of questions and we need to be clear.”
Bryce takes a step closer to me and I smell his cologne, instantly transporting me back in time. He’s the same in so many ways, but things are different too. His voice still sounds the same, I’ve replayed it a hundred times in my head, but his hair has a few grays that definitely weren’t there when we were kids. I wish I could say it makes him look less attractive, but it doesn’t.
All the more reason why I can’t do this. I can’t even look at him without my stomach dropping and my heart feeling as if it’s going to fly out of my chest.
“I plan to be very clear because I’m not going to do this . . . I mean . . .” I stammer and then take a moment to compose myself. “I can’t treat Allison. I’m sorry, but I need to release her from the trial today. There’s another doctor that she can see, but my treating her is not a good idea.”
“Why?” he practically yells.
“Because it’s a conflict of interest. The rules are very clear that in a trial I can’t treat anyone I know, Bryce.”
“You don’t know her.”
Okay, sure, but that’s semantics.
“I can’t be her doctor and pretend like I don’t even know you. This trial is too important to me, and I can’t be objective, which makes this dangerous for her as well.”
“She didn’t do anything wrong.”
“No, she didn’t, but I’m not comfortable. I can’t administer her medication in a clinical trial when I was romantically involved with her husband.”
I start to walk away, but he grips my arm. Every muscle in my body locks at the feel of his skin on mine. The memories assault me all at once, the love, the hate, the making up, and then the letting go. My breathing comes in short bursts as I use all my strength to stop myself from falling to the ground.
“Serenity, don’t do this.” The gritty sound of his voice calls to my heart. “Please, don’t, I’m asking you to think about this for a second.”
“Please let go of me.” I keep my eyes shut with my back to him.
His hand drops and I turn, and he starts to pace. “It was a shock to see you. That’s all. We were a million years ago and this isn’t about us, it’s about her. She doesn’t deserve to be thrown out of this trial when it’s the only thing she’s talked about for weeks. It doesn’t matter that we knew each other, we don’t know each other now.”
“I can’t lie to her. I can’t tell her I’ve never met you when that’s the furthest thing from the truth. And it doesn’t matter what we know or knew, it’s not allowed.”
His eyes turn pleading. “You’re her only chance. Do you understand that? She gave up everything and denied the hysterectomy she probably should’ve gotten because of this. You’re going to penalize her because once upon a time we thought we loved each other?”
I pull in a deep breath and shake my head. I didn’t think I loved him, I did love him. The fact that he admitted he didn’t love me stings. And knowing Allison’s intentions, knowing more than he does, it’s just too much. There are some burdens I’m not strong enough to carry. Still, I can’t break her trust and tell him that. I have to stick with the fact that it’s about us. I can be the bad guy. “It’s not a good idea. I’m sorry that you’re upset, but there are rules for a reason.”
“You’re a doctor. It’s your job.” Bryce’s fingers wrap around my wrist, stopping me from walking away, and I can’t breathe. “And you owe me.”
I rip my hand back, breaking the connection. “Owe you? What do I owe you?” He makes me angry, sad, happy, and destroyed all at once.
Bryce moves closer, forcing me to take a step back, but I hit the wall. He looks away and then rubs his hand over his face. “Owe is the wrong word. I guess I mean that this is incredibly hard. Seeing you, and having Ali in the room, it’s got me confused, and I’m sorry. Look, all I’m asking is for you to think about what this will do to her.”
That’s the thing, it’s bad for her as well. What if she finds out about us? Not that there’s been anything recent, but we weren’t just some thing once upon a time. “How could she not know anything about us?”
He releases a deep sigh. “When you left, I lost my mind. I was a mess, I wouldn’t talk to anyone, and I went to Houston where no one knew about us. My family followed my lead and . . . I don’t know, it never came up. I didn’t want it to come up. I loved you with my entire heart and you broke it.”
“I’m sorry, Bryce. I wish I could help you, but I can’t lose my trial. There are other people in this trial to think about. It wouldn’t be fair.”
I see the defeat in his eyes. “You’re right. I thought you, of all people, would understand what it’s like to watch someone you love need help. I’m asking you,” his eyes fill with unshed tears. “I’m asking you not to punish her. I’m begging you to at least think about it. We don’t have to tell her because it’s in the past. We’re in the past and we’ve both moved on. Please, Ren, please don’t do this.”
Our love was the kind people write songs about. We were the love story that writers pen. Two people meeting in the most innocent way, falling in love, and then ripped apart by tragedy.
We had the beginning, the climax, and then the fall, but unlike in fiction, we never were redeemed.
I left as promised and Bryce never followed.
He moves back farther and everything inside of me is conflicted. “I can’t . . .”
“Please, just think about it tonight,” Bryce says as he disappears around the corner, leaving me stunned.