“Comfort for the body does nothing to soothe the soul,” she says, and looks away.
This is the worst part of my job. It’s the feeling of knowing I couldn’t give her more time. The way my chest aches when I think of those I couldn’t save. Each time I lose a patient I’m reminded how short our lives are. One cell turns dark and infects the rest.
“Did my son call?” she asks me as if on cue. Each day I watch the life drain from her blue eyes when I answer her.
I look at the clock, I have four more patients to check on, but I know right now she needs the comfort. “John called earlier, he asked for an update,” I lie.
We talk a little more and she tells me a story about her husband. I’ve heard it at least ten times, but each version changes a tiny bit. I laugh at her jokes, smile appropriately when she tells me how magical their lives were, and I envy her a little. She’s lived and loved with her whole being. She was able to hold onto her husband, Leo, until the day he died.
“I should get to my other patients before I’m accused of having favorites,” I joke as I get up.
“You do great things today, Dr. Adams.”
I smile and nod. “I will.”
I wave goodbye and head to the lab. I need to make another check on all the trial documents, because I’m crazy and can’t let this go. There’s no such thing as being too thorough, right? I enter the lab, where Julie spends her days hiding behind her microscope.
We both went to medical school, but she’ll never have to look at a patient and give them bad news because she chose lab work over patient practice. I definitely envy that on bad days.
“Ren! Tell me I look gorgeous today,” Julie greets me as I walk in.
“Morning, Jules. You always do.”
Julie, Martina, and I have been friends since college. They are the only people other than Westin I associate with outside of work.
Waiting for test results is never fun, but when the pathologist doesn’t like you, it’s torture. Thankfully, I have Julie on my side and she rushes my labs.
“For the love of God, you’re not up here to check the packets again, are you?” She rolls her eyes.
I don’t respond—she’ll just give me hell. Instead, I make my way over to where the packets lie on the counter, counting each one, and reviewing the order in which the patients are listed.
My trial is being run as almost a lottery. Since phase I went off showing no major safety concerns, and phase II showed promising results, it’s time to step it up and see how much we can accomplish. However, this time, two patients will receive a placebo that will not be aggressive enough to shrink the tumor the way I believe the new medication will.
As each patient arrives, they’ll be given a number that corresponds with a packet. I have no clue which packets contain the medication until we open them. Of course, all the patients still receive chemotherapy, but not what I believe to be the right mixture to kill the tumors and those patients will most likely need a hysterectomy by the end of four weeks.
“You’re going to make yourself crazy,” Jules says as she leans on the table beside me.
“I’m already crazy.”
“This is true,” she agrees. “Talk to your brother today?”
I glance at her from the side and roll my eyes. She’s in love with Everton, which is ridiculous since he’s an idiot.
Jules is smart, beautiful, and comes from a very long line of doctors.
Everton is the quintessential bad boy. He drinks, smokes, rides a Harley like my dad, and we won’t even talk about how he dresses. He’s the complete opposite of her type.
“Don’t look at me like that,” she laughs and nudges me.
“Give up, Jules. You will never tame the beast that is my brother.”
She sighs and rests her head on her hand. “One day he’ll love me.”
My friends are insane. That’s all I can guess at this point because they all inevitably do this when it comes to my brother.
In high school, I lost my friend Gabby because she slept with him, and the next day watched another girl walk out of his bedroom. It was horrible and I hated him for that, but he will never change. Sure, he cares for Dad, but it’s because he has free room and board and my father couldn’t give a crap who he brings home.
After Mom died, my father stopped caring about a lot of things.
“Do us both a favor and forget that Everton exists. Please?” I tilt my head and jut out my lip.
“Whatever, let’s talk about Doctor Sexyass.” She grins as she fans herself with the file in her hand. “How is he?”
I roll my eyes, resting my arm on the table. “If he makes chief, are you going to call him Chief Sexyass?”
“Oh, no, he’ll be Sir Sexyass. So much hotter, don’t you think?”
She’s ridiculous. “He would love this. Please don’t ever let him hear that people call him this.”
Julie continues on like I didn’t speak. “I’d love to strip him down and do rude things to that man.”
“You’d definitely enjoy it. I’ll be sure to let him know you’re interested. We didn’t make plans for tonight if you’d like a go with Wes,” I say jokingly.
“I don’t get you.” She drops the folder. “Are you stupid? Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you, Serenity?”
Okay, that escalated quickly and in an odd way. I don’t know what she’s suddenly pissed off about. “What did I do now?”
Julie gets out of her chair and throws her hands up. “It’s what you don’t do.”
“Which is?”
“Get jealous!” Jules yells. “You’ve been screwing his brains out for two years now and you never care when people talk about him. Hell, you actually pimped him out. It doesn’t make sense. It’s literally the stupidest thing ever. How could you be so uncaring, because that’s not who you are. He’s a great guy!”
I shrug. It’s what it is. What does getting jealous do? Nothing. It’s a pointless emotion that will only leave me feeling bad about myself. I’m not exclusive to Westin, so if he wants to date someone else, I have no right to stop him.
“We’re both aware of what we are. I’m exactly that person. I care about Westin, but he’s not mine.”
Jules huffs in frustration. “So you wouldn’t care if I walked up to him right now and stuck my tongue down his throat?”
I ponder it for a second. There’s a tiny tug in my stomach thinking of him with someone else, but I don’t trust that it’s because of anything related to the grand idea of love. The whole idea that love makes you stronger is the biggest line of bullshit I’ve ever heard. There’s nothing strong about love. My father loved my mother with his whole heart and when she died, he died with her. I loved Bryce, only to be left behind. I’d rather never feel those emotions again. I’d rather heal people, make things better and erase the damage life can cause instead of inviting it in.
But what if I did lose Wes? What if my life was no longer filled with those nights together? I’ve never thought about it because we just . . . are. Screw Julie for making me think this way.
Julie clears her throat, bringing me back. “Well?”
“I don’t know. I wouldn’t be jealous, exactly. I want to think if it made him happy, then I’d be okay with it.”