“You’re going to regret this one day, my friend. He’s going to get tired of waiting for your frozen heart to thaw and find a warm body who wants it all. It’ll be sad because you’ll wake up, wondering why you didn’t see how perfect he is for you.”
Sometimes I wish for that. Not because I want to lose him. I do care about Westin. He’s a wonderful man and he’s been there for me in so many ways.
He’s been the constant in my crazy life, and I don’t want to watch him walk away, but I know he wants the happily ever after. I don’t want to rob him of the life he desires and I’m not selfish enough to keep him if he can find love elsewhere.
One thing she said keeps reverberating inside my head, though.
“Jules?” I call her name with hesitation.
Her face shifts from irritation to concern at the tone of my voice.
Julie is the kindest person there is, which is why she wanted to avoid patients. To see someone hurting, sad, fearful, or experiencing any extreme emotion sends her spiraling. She could never tell family members bad news—she’d lose her mind. Despite that, when Julie saw me at the bottom of the barrel, she wrapped her arms around my waist and kept me upright.
I owe her everything. I don’t know if I would still be functioning if it weren’t for her.
“Ren?”
“Do you really think I have a frozen heart?”
The idea that people who actually know me see me that way hurts deep in my soul. I feel so much more than anyone might guess. I’ve learned to hide it well. Patients deserve my focus, not my worry about stupid things I can’t change. Being part robot is par for the course, but Jules has also witnessed me on the floor, unable to get up.
I’ve only been there twice, but she was there both times.
Once when I lost Bryce.
The other when I lost my mother.
“No, Ren. I know you’re not really an Ice Bitch, but it would be good to show others that. Westin especially. He loves you and you don’t see it.”
Again, she’s wrong. “Westin may feel more than he allows other people to perceive, but he doesn’t love me. We can’t . . . he can’t . . . it’s not possible. We’re comfortable, and what we have is all it’ll be. In some part of my heart, I wish it was different. He is perfect and I know that,” I tell her honestly. “I would fall for him in a heartbeat if I wasn’t so damaged, disillusioned, or driven.”
Julie laughs. “Stubborn, stupid, and masochistic were my descriptors, but those work too.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“You’re not the only one who had a college boyfriend who hurt her. I thought David and I were going to last forever, but I date and want to find love again. You don’t have to live your entire life based on one relationship. I’m sorry you guys didn’t work out, but Jesus Christ, it’s been fourteen years, let it go already.”
Bryce wasn’t just some relationship. He was more. He was everything. It’s different. “I know you don’t understand it, but losing him and losing my mother, Julie, it was too much. I can’t explain it, and I know you and Martina think I’m ridiculous, but what I felt for him, it’s not like anything you could ever understand.”
“I know what love is, Ren.”
“This was love beyond measure.”
She shakes her head. “But he let you go and you now have to let him go, so that someone else can find a way in.”
“It’s not the—” I start to say but the speaker on my hospital phone beeps.
“Dr. Adams, please call nurses’ station seven.”
I give Jules an apologetic look. “You’re not going to listen anyway,” she says, laughing sarcastically.
That’s the one thing I love about her, she gives it straight and doesn’t mince words. It’s nice knowing what someone thinks without a filter—sometimes.
The phone picks up on the second ring. “Dr. Adams, one of your trial patients is here.”
“Now?”
There’s another three hours before the first grouping should be here. I’ve got the meeting with the board in twenty minutes, and we’re not allowed to start before then.
“Yes, she flew in from out of state, and wasn’t feeling great.”
Damn it. “Okay, get her set up in one of the rooms. I’ll be down soon, but let her know it’ll be a bit.”
“No problem,” Martina assures me.
Julie walks over and gives me a hug. “I’m so proud of you, Ren.”
“Thank you.”
“Seriously, this is a pretty cool day considering we were two drunk morons in college, but do me one favor . . .”
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Julie needs to stop watching chick flicks and come back to reality. “Julie.”
“No,” she puts her hand up. “Just think about what would happen if Westin really got tired of being an afterthought. Think what your life would be like. Think about how you’d feel. I promise it’s not going to be good. You’re not a callous person, there’s no way that after this long your feelings aren’t deeper than they’d be for a casual fuck.”
He is more than that. He’s a friend and puts up with all my shit. I’ve been guarded, and haven’t allowed myself to want more.
Could I?
Am I ready to even consider it?
I don’t know, but a part of me is pissed that Julie made me think about this now.
“I have to go,” I say tersely. Today isn’t the right time to think about this shit. I’m not ready and I have other things to focus on.
Damn her.
Julie smirks. “Love you too.”
Chapter 4
I head down the hallway, mentally preparing for the board meeting. We need to go over everything, ensure that I’m prepared and the hospital isn’t at risk. Even though this isn’t the first phase, they have to protect their asses.
As I make my way down the corridor, I smile and nod as I pass some of the heads of the departments. They will each grill me, going over each possible outcome and how I plan to handle them all.
When I get to the door, Dr. Pascoe, the president of the hospital, stands with a warm smile.
"Dr. Adams, it’s nice to see you,” he says.
"It’s great seeing you, as well. How’s Monica?” I ask. Dr. Pascoe and I are in a unique relationship. His wife, Monica, was my patient. She was diagnosed with cervical cancer three years ago and has been in remission for six months. To say that he likes me is an understatement.
“She’s doing well, wants me to insist that you come by for the Fourth of July barbeque.”
Well, that would be breaking rule number one, no friendships with patients.
It’s better for them and much better for me.
“I wish I could . . .”
“But you won’t,” he finishes.
“You understand, don’t you?” I ask.
Dr. Pascoe touches my shoulder. “I do, I’ll let her down gently. Make her think it’s a hospital rule or something.” He gives me a wink.
He’s a great administrator. I like him for personal reasons, but also because he puts the patients’ needs first. The amount of red tape he sees in his job can be intimidating, but Dr. Pascoe ensures there are minimal hurdles when it comes to saving a life. He also treats each doctor who works for him as an equal. It’s nice not feeling looked down upon.