Eliza’s expression sparked with interest. “Oh. I was picturing an old guy.”
“Oh no. This guy is definitely not old. Probably around thirty. Could definitely pose shirtless in the firefighter calendar.”
“Oh.”
It was the kind of oh that meant tell me everything.
“He slept over.” The words fell out. Flat. Still slightly shocking even to her ear. She’d let a stranger sleep in her house.
Eliza blinked as if Andi had started speaking another language. “Wait, what? Holy shit, Andi—”
She lifted a hand. “Don’t get too excited. I don’t mean he slept in my bed or anything. I didn’t even sleep in my bed. It wasn’t some breakthrough. It was inadvertent. He offered to stay a while so I could calm down. We got to talking, and I eventually dozed off.”
Eliza took a slow sip of her coffee. “Wow. Inadvertent or not, that’s still a pretty big deal. You were able to let your guard down enough to fall asleep with him in the room.”
Andi shook her head, still searching for an explanation—like she’d been doing all day. “I think I was just exhausted.”
“I’m sure, but don’t you think you had to trust him on some level to even let yourself doze off?” she asked, that probing therapist tone entering her voice. “Normal Andi would’ve sent him out the door the minute she felt sleepy.”
Andi rubbed the bridge of her nose, her head pound, pound, pounding. “Yeah, I don’t know. Nothing about last night was normal. Hill seems really nice, but he’s also kind of hard to read. He’s quiet. But that kind of observant quiet where you can see he’s thinking all these things he’s not saying. He could have all kinds of secrets. He could have bodies in his freezer next to the ice cream for all I know. But…”
Eliza cocked her head a little. “But?”
“Ugh, I don’t know.” Andi blew out a frustrated breath. “He made me feel safe last night—which I guess, as a firefighter, is in his skill set. But it wasn’t that ‘We’ve got everything under control, ma’am’ thing. Instead, it was almost like he was wary of me instead of the other way around, and that’s what made me feel safe. Like when he offered to stay over, I got the vibe that he didn’t really want me to say yes.”
Eliza set her chin in her hand, her pondering face on. “Hmm, interesting. It wasn’t an attempt to be coy?”
Andi laughed at that. “Not even a little. I don’t think he’s interested in me like that. Honestly, I think I freak him out.”
“Really.” Eliza looked thoughtful. “Huh. What’s he look like?”
Andi gave her a sly smile. “If you were really my therapist, you wouldn’t ask that.”
“Good thing I’m not,” she said, giving a conspiratorial look. “So?”
Andi tipped her head back and examined a water spot on the ceiling. How to describe Hill? Normal words didn’t seem to fit but she tried. “He’s over six feet tall. Dark, shaggy hair. Brown eyes, maybe hazel, because there’s some green mixed in. In good shape.”
“Sounds like a police description,” Eliza said, clearly unimpressed. “Tell me what he looks like to you.”
Andi lifted her head and gave Eliza a pointed look. “Bearded, broad, probably prone to growling in bed.”
“Oh shit,” Eliza said with a laugh. “So he’s hot.”
“So hot. So not my type.” Andi sighed. “And I can’t tell if what I felt when I woke up this morning and saw him sitting next to me was a result of him making me feel safe last night or if it was something else. I was like…happy to see him there. What the hell is that?” She groaned. “Ugh, I can’t get a crush on a guy just because I think he’d be a good bodyguard. That’s so fucked up.”
Eliza considered her, expression neutral. “Is that such a bad quality to want in a partner? Someone who makes you feel safe?”
“It sounds like my trauma stuff getting twisted up and masquerading as attraction. And I’m not looking to hook up with someone. You know what will happen if I try anything.”
Eliza gave her an innocent look. “I do not know what will happen.”
“Come on. Don’t give me that.”
“No, I’m serious. You haven’t tried anything physical with anyone in what, three years? Just because it didn’t go well the last time doesn’t mean that’s how it will always go. Hill is a new person. You’re a different you than you were three years ago. Maybe the fact that he isn’t your normal type is a sign of progress. Your brain is willing to consider someone who physically could be a threat. Normally, you would’ve dismissed someone like that out of hand.”
Andi frowned, a new thought coming to her. “Oh hell, do you think I’m feeling this way because he’s got a disability? Like that’s some insurance policy? Because that is majorly fucked up and my subconscious needs to be put in time-out if that’s the case.”
Eliza gave her a ghost of a smile. “Do you think this guy is weak or incapable of physically overpowering you?”
Andi pictured Hill, that wall of muscle, the way he handled everything last night, the way he’d been ready to charge next door to see what was going on. “He could take me down in a hot second.”
Eliza pointed at her. “There you go. It’s not about his disability. If anything, I suspect it’s the opposite.”
Andi turned fully toward Eliza. “The opposite.”
“Yeah. He’s everything you’ve forbidden yourself to indulge in. He embodies your biggest fears—he could overpower you, could probably throw you over his shoulder and save you from a burning building. But something about him is telling you that he’s not there to hurt you. So instead, you can imagine him channeling all that big, aggressive energy into really great sex. It’s the very thing you’ve forbidden yourself from having.”
The images those words conjured in her mind—big, aggressive sex—sent heat rushing to her face. “That doesn’t make sense. Why would I want the scariest kind of sex?”
“Because, think about it, it’s not actually the scariest type to you,” she said. “Your sexual encounters with Evan Longdale were gentle. He used those sociopathic powers of his to manipulate a young teenage girl by being sweet and loving. That was his weapon with you. The wolf in sheep’s clothing. So you’re not going to trust sweet and gentle because you know the level of violence that facade was hiding.”
Andi grimaced. Evan had been sweet and gentle. He’d picked up on his little sister’s best friend’s neighborly crush and had done exactly what he needed to do to keep Andi from looking too hard, from saying anything she shouldn’t about all those times she’d watched him come in late, from telling his secrets when she’d seen things in his room she shouldn’t have. He violated her with false words and fake romance and gentle sex, saving his sadistic side for the people he stalked and murdered at the nearby college he attended. “That makes me sound so screwed up.”