“Absolutely not,” Eliza said, her tone sharp. “Don’t put that label on yourself. The range of what turns people on is vast. As long as there’s consent on all sides and it’s legal, who cares? There’s no rule that says gentle, sweet sex is the healthy kind. I have clients in the kink community. Some of the things they do would make most people’s eyes fall out their heads, but they’re perfectly wonderful, well-adjusted people.” She shrugged. “Maybe it’s time you let yourself feel what you feel and trust that. Your gut is more accurate than you give it credit for.”
“My gut had me give my virginity to a serial killer,” she launched back.
“You were a vulnerable teenager with a crush who trusted someone you thought was a friend. And you were still a child. You have to forgive that girl for that. You are not her anymore. Your bullshit detector is much more refined now.”
Andi sighed. Tired.
“If this guy gets you hot and bothered, let yourself feel hot and bothered,” Eliza said, making it sound so simple. “Enjoy that rush of attraction. If you want to try something with him and he’s into it, be honest with him. Tell him that you sometimes get anxiety and that you might need to take it slow or stop completely.”
Andi groaned and put her hands over her face. “I can’t even imagine that conversation. I don’t want to dump my past in his lap.” She dropped her hands and pasted on a smile. “Hi, I’m Andi. I think you’re really hot. By the way, if we get naked and I dissolve into a panic attack, don’t worry, it’s not you. It’s only because my last actual relationship was with a sociopath who murdered people for fun and used me to hide evidence. Wanna make out?”
Eliza gave her a sympathetic look. “You don’t have to tell him everything up front. If he’s not a complete idiot, he knows that lots of women have suffered traumas at the hands of men. Just tell him you’ve had a bad experience and need that assurance. If he’s not cool with that, then that’s all you need to know about him and can move on. And if it makes you feel safer, you can always call me to let me know: Hey girl, I’m with the sexy neighbor and this lucky bitch is about to have some filthy hot sex. You know, so he knows someone knows where you are and who you’re with.”
Andi snorted and threw a couch pillow at Eliza. The pillow hit the edge of her desk and flopped to the floor. “Pervert.”
“Sometimes,” she said with a laugh. “But really, don’t talk yourself out of being open to the possibility. Vibrator technology is great, but there’s nothing quite like being skin to skin with someone, naked and sweaty and frantic for each other. That shit is rejuvenating.”
Andi squeezed the back of her neck, trying to work out the tension there. “I don’t even think it’s a possibility. Even if he were interested, I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m like an inexperienced teen trapped in a grown-up’s body.”
“Probably another reason why this guy appeals to you. He sounds like the type who would take more control in bed. And you know more than you think. You know what makes you feel good. If you can show him what you like, you’re all set. Making sure the guy has a good time is the easy part.”
Andi snorted. “Nothing about this is easy.”
Eliza’s expression turned empathetic. “I know, honey. But for what it’s worth, I think you’re a badass. And you’re fucking brilliant. I know that there’s no way to guarantee one hundred percent safety out in the world, but I truly believe that your gut is worthy of your trust. It will tell you if this guy is bad news. So maybe see if you can be friends with him. Feel him out. Then, if you’re still picturing him naked, make a move. See what happens.”
Andi couldn’t picture herself making a move, but she also didn’t see her attraction abating anytime soon either. “I will get the chance to get to know him better. He’s a horror virgin, so he’s agreed to watch some movies with me.”
A smile brightened Eliza’s face. “Oh, that’s great. Like watching movies at your place?”
“Pretty much.”
“Andi, you sneaky vixen. Getting the hot guy to agree to scary movies. Couch cuddling is almost inevitable. I’m so proud of you!”
Andi laughed. “It’s not some grand master plan. I just feel it’s my duty to introduce him to the best genre in cinema. Plus, he recently had a bad breakup and seems a little lonely.”
Eliza nodded. “Right. He’s the lonely one.”
Andi rolled her eyes. “Yes. I’m not lonely. I have tons of friends.”
“You do,” she agreed. But in that therapist way. Like she was saying ten other things, too. “Either way, I’m proud of you. Inviting a guy over to your place to hang out—whether anything romantic happens or not—is a big step for you.”
“Thanks.” Andi glanced at the clock. “I better get going. Your next client is probably already here. They pay better than I do.”
“I don’t know. This coffee is like magic.” She stood and smoothed her blouse. “Are you going to be okay tonight? Do you want to stay over at my place?”
“Part of me wants to say yes because that would be so much easier, but I’m afraid if I do that, I won’t ever want to sleep at home again. I need to get this first night out of the way.” Andi stood and rolled her shoulders, trying to work the tension out. “Hill is getting the locks changed and is looking into getting an alarm installed, so there should be extra protection. Plus, I can’t imagine whoever broke in would want to come back the next night.”
Eliza nodded. “Good. I’m glad you’ll have a few extra layers of protection to help you feel safe. Plus, you know, a hot firefighter neighbor.”
Andi laughed. “And there’s that.”
Eliza came around to the other side of the desk to hug Andi. “I’m glad you’re okay.”
“Me too. Thanks for the chat,” she said, releasing her friend.
“Of course.” She wiggled a finger at Andi. “And keep me posted on Operation Hot Neighbor.”
Operation Hot Neighbor. Sounded like a bad porn movie from the eighties. “Will do.”
Chapter Nine
Hill was eating lunch at the same place he’d been going every nonworking Friday for years. They served thin fried catfish at Lola-Ann’s on Fridays, and it was the best fried fish in the state. He used to make a version of it at the firehouse, but he never had the energy to make it for himself, so this was a treat. He could vaguely hear the phones ringing for takeout and the general bustle of the restaurant but otherwise was totally focused on enjoying his food and reading the words in front of him.