Closing the slider, she digs into her pocket for the lone cigarette and lighter she keeps on her like a security blanket, or the stuffed lamb she couldn’t give up as a child and kept into adulthood. Putting some distance between them, she lights the Marlboro with shaky hands and takes a long draw. The nicotine she’s craved since this morning in the parking lot rushes into her system, taking off the edge. Ethan scrutinizes her, but he doesn’t comment. Another draw and the trembles stop.
“Here’s the deal,” she begins, turning to him. “I don’t know if Lily is dead or missing. I haven’t seen her in fourteen years. Josh showed up alone. I have no idea how he found me or what happened.”
“Have you asked him?”
“Of course I have. Do I look like an idiot?” His chin dips, eyes widen, and she swears. She’s fried, and anytime she tried asking Josh, he’d get flustered. “Sorry. It’s been a trying couple of days.” And she can’t let her anger at their history take over. “He can’t talk. I mean, he can, it’s just not easy for him.”
“What do you mean?” His concern is genuine.
She gentles her tone. “He had an accident sometime before he arrived. He hit his head. Look, you apparently knew Lily a lot better than I thought you did,” she says, spite leaking into her voice.
“I meant what I said. I haven’t seen her since college.”
“And Josh isn’t your son,” she says, sarcastic. She flicks off the ash head.
“No, he isn’t. And I didn’t sleep with your sister. Are we really doing this? I can leave.” He starts for the door.
“Wait,” she says before he grasps the handle. She looks at him for a long moment, lips pursed, until she sighs, admitting what her gut has wanted to tell her for fourteen years. She’s just refused to listen. “I know—” She clears her throat. “I know you’re not.”
His arm falls to his side. He slowly turns back to her. “What changed your mind?” he asks, cautious.
“Josh.”
She drops the cigarette on the ground, something she never does in her backyard, and grinds the butt with her heel, her eyes never leaving his, as painful as it is to face him while admitting a truth she should have explored over a decade ago. Swallowing her nerves, and her pride, she lets her gaze wander his features, searching for any similarities to the boy inside her house. So much of Lily is in her son, but Olivia didn’t see a speck of Ethan in him, in looks or mannerisms. Kids can look nothing like their parents, but there is something else, something stronger than the intuition telling her Ethan isn’t the father.
“Josh knows who his dad is, and it’s not you,” she explains. “And you wouldn’t have let Lily run away with Josh if he was yours.”
“No, I wouldn’t have.” Ethan closes the space between them. “But I can take a paternity test if you still doubt me.”
She shakes her head. “Not necessary.” Josh has been traumatized enough. Last thing he needs is her swabbing his mouth to prove something she’s sure isn’t true.
Looking back, it’s more reasonable Lily lied to their father than it is that Ethan cheated on Olivia with her. Lily had a history of lying. Why not go out with a bang? She was pretty upset with Olivia when she wouldn’t let Lily move in with her and Amber in San Francisco.
Olivia presses fingers to her forehead. Imagine if she’d paused years ago and thought through what Dwight told her about Lily. If she hadn’t overreacted. She would have realized sooner Lily was lying. She wouldn’t have broken up with Ethan. Unfortunate, yes. Her life could be quite different than it is today. She and Ethan could be married, a thought that doesn’t excite her, another surprising realization. So is another: she wouldn’t have dated Blaze again. And that thought feels like a dry wind over desolate land. Her arm drops to her side and she shivers from the unexpected tide of loss. She misses him.
“My dad said he has photos of you and Lily.”
“It isn’t me.”
“I don’t think so either.” Lily could have staged it with someone who looks like Ethan, knowing Dwight would demand to know who the father was. Whoever is with Lily in those photos is either Josh’s father, or someone Lily used to cover for him.
“I never touched your sister, Olivia. I saw her walking home from work once when I drove past. I offered her a ride.”
Lily had a job? “She wasn’t allowed to work.” She didn’t have time, not with her swim schedule.
“That’s why she was walking home,” Ethan says. “Dwight wouldn’t let her use the spare car.”
Olivia’s mouth pinches. That sounds like Dwight. For reasons she can’t understand, Dwight never connected with his youngest daughter. He didn’t treat her equally to Olivia and Lucas.
“Why didn’t you tell me this before?”
“You didn’t give me the chance.” His words are bitter.
Anger weaves through her. “So it’s my fault.”
“Yes. No!” He cuts his hand through the air. He heaves, exasperated. “We weren’t talking, Olivia. About anything. I was overwhelmed with school and stressed about my mom. You, well . . . I had the impression Mom’s injuries bothered you. I gave you space.”
Olivia looks away, regretting how she’d behaved and that Ethan had her pegged, tacked to the board like a memo he’d deal with later. No wonder he’d let her go so easily. But what he was going through with his mom at the time was like watching Blaze with Rhonda all over again when his mom was going through treatment for lymphoma. Olivia tried to comfort Blaze and he cheated on her. Rather than trying to be there for Ethan, she’d pulled away without realizing she was doing so.
“I’m going to check on Josh.” She rushes into the house to clear her head. She needed space, and they need to get back on topic. This visit isn’t about them and a past she can’t repair. Because she is at fault. She’s the one who reacted without gathering facts.
As soon as the door closes, she notices how dark and quiet the house is. The lights and TV in the living room have been turned off. Same in the kitchen. Olivia flips the switch. Recessed lights bathe the quartz counter Blaze helped her select, noting the overhead lights gave depth to the intricate work of mineral veins that wove through the slab. Down the hall, the faint thump-thump of the washer tosses Josh’s single set of clothes. He asked earlier about washing them. She finds him in his room, lying on his back in the center of the bed, staring at the ceiling. The single bedside lamp casts a golden circle of light over one side of the bed and the floor below the nightstand. He’s still wearing Blaze’s sweats to bed.
Knocking gently to get his attention, she smiles at him, relieved he’s cozied up in the room. His head lifts. He looks at her expectantly.
“Nothing yet. You okay?”
He plops his head on the pillow. “Yes.”
“Need anything?”
“No.”
She nods slowly, wishing he could give her the answers she needed. She wishes she had all the answers for him. “I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.”
He rolls to his side, giving her his back.
Olivia closes his door as her phone buzzes in her back pocket. The sound tells her it’s a text from Blaze. She ignores it and texts Lucas, asking if he’d take Josh shopping in the morning. She wants to pay Charlotte a visit. Dwight never cared for Lily. Her pregnancy was one more stain on his campaign, and Josh must be a reminder of his failures. That’s why Charlotte doesn’t want him to know about Josh. But Olivia wants to know if that’s all. Is there another reason Charlotte wants to keep Josh from Dwight? Is it related to Lily being missing?