When she turns around, Josh isn’t listening. Riveted, he stares at the Crimson Wave prints adorning her wall. Her superheroes are quite intimidating in life-size form, all sinewy muscle and glossy attire.
He points at Titian and says, “Uncle . . . ?” He waits, looking at her.
“Uh . . . yeah. Lucas. That’s right,” she says, unsettled, amazed at his intuitiveness. He picked that up fast. Not many of her friends have caught on to the physical similarities between the Crimson Wave and the Carson siblings. Lucas has yet to comment, but she knows her drawings unnerve him. She’s seen him study the prints like he’s looking in a mirror and isn’t keen on what he sees. Olivia senses Lucas doesn’t believe he can live up to the man he has the potential to become. She fleshed out Titian with young Lucas’s most positive traits. His fierce protectiveness of the young and weak. His humor and wit. The prankster. Traits he’s lost over the years after he lost himself. How she wishes more than ever that she knew what happened to him in juvenile hall. She wishes she’d made the effort to reach out to her siblings rather than feeling sorry for herself because they didn’t seem to have interest in her.
Her parents have chosen to ignore how obviously she modeled her characters after her siblings. Her heroes shine a spotlight on their family’s flaws. The Carson siblings never were as tight as the Crimson Wave. As much as she wishes for it, she wonders if they ever will be. Is it even possible?
Olivia used to believe they grew apart after their summers stopped at the lake. They no longer spent weeks on end relying solely on each other. But these past few days, with her breakup with Blaze and Josh’s arrival, she’s been thinking a lot about those summers, and her relationship with Lily and Lucas in general. Instead, those summers pushed them apart. They took sides. As Lucas’s pranks escalated, so did Olivia’s temper.
Olivia scoffs. She probably sounded like their father. A thought that now disgusts her given what she’s learned about him.
Lily gravitated from her side to Lucas’s, because in Lily’s eyes Lucas could do no wrong. She was too young to understand their brother’s antics took away the one thing Olivia looked forward to most of the year.
No wonder Olivia’s temper flared like Dwight’s anytime Lily or Lucas upset her. She was disappointed and despondent. She grieved because the decision had been out of her control. And she felt betrayed.
Olivia nods at the younger version of Lucas on the wall. “His name is Titian.”
Josh points at her likeness. “You?”
She nods. “Ruby.”
He then stares at the youngest Crimson. Olivia yanks a pen from the mug on her desk and rapidly clicks the end. What’s going through his mind? Does he see his mom’s likeness as well?
“She looks . . .”
“Like your mom. Yes.”
His face scrunches up. “Some.”
“I didn’t have a recent photo when I created her. Her name is Dahlia.” And she’s how Olivia imagines adult Lily. Wise, beautiful, kind. But she doesn’t hesitate when she executes justice. “Your mom’s name used to be Lily. Lily May. She was born in May and named after that month’s flower. Lily of the valley.”
Josh watches her with open interest, absorbing every word.
“She didn’t tell you much about her childhood, did she?”
He shakes his head. “Doesn’t like . . .” He presses his mouth flat.
“She didn’t like to talk about it or didn’t like her childhood?”
He stares at the floor.
“Josh?”
His mouth turns down as if he’s ashamed of how his mom feels about her family. “Both.”
Olivia looks down her length. She pulls off a loose hair clinging to her shirt. She could have done something about the way the family treated Lily and she didn’t.
“What name does she use now?”
“Sun . . . no. Jim.” He scowls. His nostrils flare with a stream of hot air.
“That’s okay. It’ll come to you.”
“Know it, but can’t—”
“Say it.” They’ll have to figure another way.
Josh turns his attention back to the wall. He widens his arms to encompass the three prints. “What?”
Olivia guesses he’s asking who the characters are. “The Crimson Wave. The superheroes from my graphic novels.”
His mouth opens. “Your? No . . . way.”
“Way.” She can’t help smiling at his reaction. Like a kid at Comic-Con. Wouldn’t that be the dream, to sign at the biggest comic book convention around? She’d buy tickets for Josh and his friends. She’d even invite Lily and Lucas if they were interested.
Josh crosses the room to her bookcase. His gaze darts over the spines before glancing back at her. “Where?”
He can’t read the titles. She can only imagine how frustrating that must be.
She drops the pen and pulls two books off the shelf. “Books one and two. I’m working on three.” She shows him the covers and hands them off.
“Cool.” He hugs the books and looks at her with stars in his eyes.
“Yes, you can keep them.”
“I will . . . rip . . . read . . . when better.” His smile wavers like he’s apologizing for the fact he can’t read. She stops short of pulling him into a hug, afraid if she makes a big deal it’ll only embarrass him further. It would her if their roles were reversed. Instead she smiles warmly. His gaze returns to Dahlia, his longing unquestionable, and another realization dawns. Can Olivia be any more selfish? She’s been fixated on Lily and hasn’t once considered how Josh must be coping.
She picks up the pen again and starts clicking. She points it at Josh’s hat. “I saw your scar.”
Color flushes his neck. “When?”
“The other night. You were sleeping. Your hat fell off.”
His free hand flies to his hat.
“Is that from when you were pushed?”
He nods and she swallows the bile that rose faster than the bestseller clutched in his hands rose on the charts. Her dad might have done that to him. He could have damaged Josh for life.
“Do you have headaches? Feel dizzy at all?” She asks the questions Mike suggested.
He shakes his head.
“That’s good,” she murmurs, relieved. “Will you tell me if you do get any?”
He nods. “My mom . . . she . . . mom . . . flew.” He grunts and stops talking, looking at her like he does when he wants her to understand what he’s trying to say without having to say it. He’d rather not talk than sound stupid.
“Sorry,” she whispers regretfully. This time, she doesn’t understand what he’s attempting to explain.
Josh grimaces and again she wants to hug him. She doesn’t, afraid she’ll get attached, only to have Lily keep him from her once they find her. The POA and Lily’s annual photos in the mail aren’t enough to satisfy Olivia she won’t only lose Lily again. She’ll lose Josh, too. No point letting him in if he’s only going to leave.
“So, um.” She clears her throat and drops the pen on her desk. “Sit here.” She pulls out the chair in front of the drafting table.
Josh stuffs the graphic novels into his backpack and drops the pack at his feet. He sits and her phone vibrates with an incoming call. She peeks at the screen and her limbs go cold. It’s Dwight.