“It doesn’t make any sense to me. Why you? Why now? You were going to do such incredible things. That much I know for a fact.”
“Your parents are going to be okay. Don’t worry about them. I’ll look after them. I wasn’t always a good friend, I probably wasn’t always a good boyfriend either, but you’re the first girl I ever loved and I’ll never forget you.”
I back away from the grave and then turn to get in the car.
“Are you okay?” my mom asks when I’m seated in the passenger side.
“Yeah. I’m okay.”
She hugs me. She’s been doing that a lot lately. I think Carrie dying hit us all in different ways and I don’t know when we’ll feel normal again. Not today, that’s for sure.
My mom starts for the airport and I swivel in my seat to face Ryder. Ever since I announced I was leaving last night, he hasn’t spoken to me.
“I’m going to miss you, Ry, but I’ll see you in two weeks for my graduation, and then I’ll be back for good.”
The only acknowledgment I get that he heard me, is him turning his head farther away from me to look out the window.
“I was wondering if you wanted this?” I pull the Bruins hat out of my bag. “I bought it for someone a long time ago, but she didn’t really like it.” I lean closer to him. “She wasn’t really a fan of the Bruins, can you imagine?”
“You never could resist teasing her about the Bruins winning the Cup that year.” Mom smiles at the memory. Yeah, I guess I had bought it as a joke, but she held on to it and giving it to Ryder just feels right. He didn’t know Carrie that well, but I think she would have wanted him to have it.
He squirms and eyes the hat in my hands. “It’s like yours, but cleaner.”
“Yep.” I hold it out to him, but he still doesn’t take it.
“I’ll tell you what. I’ll set it here and if you don’t want it, just put it back in my room later, okay?”
Finally he looks at me. “Are you going away like Carrie did or are you really coming back?”
I can’t speak for a few seconds as I swallow the lump in my throat. “I’m really coming back.”
He doesn’t look convinced so I unbuckle and crawl through the opening between the seats to the back.
“What in the world?” My mother laughs as I try to squeeze through. It is not easy.
“You’re too big.” Ryder giggles as I struggle to sit beside him.
And I laugh too. It feels good. I put the hat on his head and then hit the brim of mine against his. “I’ll see you soon.”
I get back to Valley late Sunday evening. Adam picked me up and I had him bring me straight to the arena. I knew she’d be here. I could feel her and every step closer to the ice feels like I’m rushing to the finish line. She’s it for me. She’s my endgame.
When I see her, it takes my breath away. Hiding in the shadows, I put on my skates and watch her glide around the ice. My heart hammers in my chest, and my stomach is in knots. It’s crossed my mind that she might not be nearly as excited to see me as I am her.
She stops in the center of the ice. Her chest rises and falls as she catches her breath. She places her hands on top of her head and scans the arena like she’s memorizing it.
Fuck, I missed her. I missed the way everything feels better when she’s nearby. I thought I was relying too much on her, like she was a drug that I couldn’t live without. I was so scared that staying would destroy us both. But the truth is, I can live without her. And she can live without me.
We were both doing just fine on our own two months ago. I don’t want to be fine. I want to know that I have a partner that will let me lean on her when life kicks me in the teeth. And the same for her. I want to be her person and kick life in the teeth when it tries to mess with her.
Slowly, I walk toward the plexiglass. Seconds or minutes pass as she stands there center ice taking it all in.
The click of the gate catches her attention and her eyes widen slightly when I step out. It’s the only indication that I’ve caught her by surprise.
“Rhett.” My name out of her mouth sets every part of me on fire.
“I thought I’d find you here.”
“Habit.” She still hasn’t moved. “You’re back.”
I go to her. “Yeah, I’m back.”
“How are you? I mean… did you do what you needed to?”
“Truthfully? I’m not sure. I’m still a little lost.”
“I get that.”
“Some days I feel like I dreamed the whole thing. I feel guilty and sad. I’m pissed at myself and at the world. I’m even pissed at Carrie which I realize makes me sound like the worst possible asshole.”
“You’re not an asshole.”
“I’m going to try my hardest not to be, but I’m still figuring out how to move forward. Basically, I’m a mess but I want to be here with you.”
“But you said—”
“I was wrong. You were trying to tell me that it was okay to unload on you and I couldn’t bring myself to believe it. Everything is better with you. And that isn’t me not dealing, that’s just the honest truth.”
“I know you think I’m broken, that my heart makes me weak, but it doesn’t. I can handle it.”
“I don’t think that. I never thought that. I didn’t leave because I thought you weren’t strong enough. I left because I wasn’t sure I was. You are the strongest chick I know. The strongest person I know. Your heart isn’t broken. You’re not broken. I hate that I ever made you question that.”
“When people get close to me they realize one of two things: that there’s a good chance that I might die or they internalize it and realize they’re not bulletproof either. Which are you?”
“I’m both. I can survive a lot of things, but not living without you.”
She blows out a breath and a small smile curves her mouth. “Wow. You should disappear more often.”
“I had some help getting there,” I say, then add. “Elias came to see me.”
“He did?”
“He’s a good friend. I’m glad you have him. You’re his rock. Turns out, you’re mine too.”
“I don’t know what to say. You caught me off guard.” She wraps her arms around her middle, keeping her distance.
It stings even though I knew it was a real possibility she’d tell me to eat mud. I was hoping her response would be an enthusiastic yes and then lots of kissing. I’ve missed kissing her and holding her.
“This is all so sudden. Maybe I could have some time to think about it?”
Damn. I really fucked this up. I nod slowly. “Of course. I know how much you hate surprises, but I needed to see you as soon as I got back.”
“I’ll text you.”
“Okay, yeah, uh, you have my number.” I give her finger guns and then a little piece of me dies that I’m fucking this up so badly.
I turn and skate off the ice as fast as I can go. When I get to the gate, she calls after me, “Hey, Rauthruss.”
I compose myself, ball my hands into fists, and turn. No finger guns, asshole. “Yeah?”