“I am a mess. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. I was just talking to Scott on the phone, and for some reason I had a breakdown.”
He exhaled in relief at this explanation for what happened. It wasn’t good. Serena was really upset. But at least people’s lives weren’t at risk. “What did he say?”
She sniffed and leaned against him, evidently finding it easier to talk when she wasn’t looking directly at his face. “He wanted Eva to stay with him next weekend. Just out of the blue. For no particular reason. I’m happy to give him two weekends a month, but he hasn’t wanted that in ages. So I said we can add a second weekend if he wants, but not next weekend. She’s already planning to go to my mom’s next weekend because I’ll be busy with all the bridesmaid stuff for Amanda’s wedding. I don’t know why he even got it in his head. He’s supposed to go to the wedding next weekend too, so maybe he’s just looking for an excuse to get out of it. But I told him not next weekend. If he wants another weekend, we need to plan it advance. It can’t just be spur of the moment, whenever he feels like it. It messes up our schedule, and it would be hard on Eva not to know what to expect. Anyway, he got all mean and sarcastic. You know how he is. And then he pretends he’s not doing anything and I’m overreacting because I’m a silly, sensitive little girl.”
She had control of herself now. She wasn’t shaking or sobbing. But he could hear the tears in her voice still, and he had to stifle a sudden wave of rage at her bastard of an ex-husband.
He couldn’t fathom having a family as amazing as Serena and Eva and then treating them like garbage. He’d give anything to have them in his life that way.
He stroked her back and her hair and tried to think of something helpful to say.
“I’m sorry,” she added. “I don’t even know why he got to me today. He’s like that all the time, and I can usually just shrug it off. It’s just that it hit me that I spent years of my life with him treating me like that and I just... dealt with it. What was I even thinking?”
“He wasn’t that bad the whole time.” Keith wouldn’t have defended Scott if he could help it, but it seemed important to remind Serena of the truth. “He got worse as it went on. It wasn’t seven equally bad years.”
“No. No, you’re right.” She sniffed and straightened up. “That’s true. I was an idiot, but not that much of an idiot.”
“You weren’t an idiot at all.”
“But I was... something. Something I don’t like. To stay with a man who made me feel so... small.”
“You loved him,” he said, fighting to keep his voice mild when he was feeling anything but. “You wanted to make it work. If there’s an idiot in this situation, it’s him. Not you. He didn’t realize what he had. He just let it go.”
She peered at him for a moment. Then her face tightened with emotion. “Thank you, Keith.”
“For what?”
“For making me feel better. For always being on my side.”
He reached out to cup her face. “I’m always going to be on your side, Serena. If you can count on anything in the world, you can count on that.”
She gave a little sob and threw herself at him. That was what it felt like. She was all of a sudden kissing him, hard and urgent. Desperate.
Keith kissed her back. Of course he did. He grabbed her face with both hands to hold her steady so he could move his mouth against hers. She felt warm and needy. He could taste a faint hint of salt from her tears. He pulled her into his lap the way they’d done last night, and his body tightened with arousal so quickly it almost hurt.
They kissed and caressed and rubbed against each other for a long time, until Keith’s head was throbbing with need and feeling.
Then Serena finally leaned over and rasped against his ear. “I want to have sex, Keith. All the way. Please.”
Her voice broke on the last word. He could feel her trembling just a little.
It was those two things that slashed through his hot desire enough for him to pull back and lift her head so he could see her face.
She was turned on—just like he was. But she was also still crying inside. He knew her too well. He couldn’t talk himself out of the knowledge.
She might want this right now, but he couldn’t be sure why.
So he did one of the hardest things he’d ever done in his life. He cleared his throat and managed to say, “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I want you so much. But I don’t think we should do that tonight.”
“Wh-what?” Her face contorted briefly.
He’d hurt her, and he hated it. But it was better than hurting her worse. “I’m so sorry. You’re still upset. I can see it. And I don’t want to do this for the first time when you’re upset. When I can’t be certain why you’re choosing to be with me that way. Scott made you feel bad, but you’re going to feel better about that tomorrow. And I don’t want you to regret being with me after you start feeling better about Scott. I couldn’t live with that. I’d rather wait until you’re sure.”
For a moment she looked like she was going to argue. But then the tension blew out of her like air from a popped balloon. She collapsed forward onto his chest.
He hugged her tightly. “I’m sorry, Serena,” he murmured thickly. He’d been intensely aroused, and he was still, but the conflicted emotions were already starting to lessen his physical need.
“No. I’m sorry. You were making me feel better. And I want to feel better.”
“I know you do. You will. And I’ll still be here when you do.”
She shook against him for a minute, crying without any sound. “I do want to be with you, Keith,” she finally mumbled against his shirt.
“Then we’ll have tomorrow. Or next week. Or next month. Or whenever you’re sure about it. Just not right now.”
“Okay.” After a long pause, she added, “Thank you.”
He kissed her hair. “You’re welcome.”
“Are you okay?” She pulled back so she could study him. “I can help take care of—”
“No. No, I’m fine. I really am.”
“You’re way too good to me.”
“No, I’m not. You shouldn’t think basic decency is too good for you. It’s what you deserve.”
Her face twisted again. “Well, thank you just the same. Do you need me to leave? I mean, since you’re turned on and we’re not—”
“I’m not that turned on.” At her arched eyebrows, he added with a chuckle, “Well, I was, but I’m okay now. And I can still help you feel better. Just not with sex.”
“Really?”
He nodded, feeling that rush of hope again at the awed look in her eyes. “Yes. Really. I can just hold you if you want.”
She scooted over and pressed herself against his side as he wrapped one arm around her. “That sounds really good to me.”
six
FOR THE NEXT WEEK, Serena woke up with good jitters in her belly every morning.
It had been a long time since she’d felt that way—and it had never been so deep or lasted so long without being tempered by reality.