It’s going to be an adjustment for both of us.
I’ve gotten what I always wanted and, although my joy could swallow the universe in its magnanimity, I’m not sure where that leaves me. A traveler without a trail, an adventurer without a map. It’s going to take time, but I believe that love can truly reach across any void, even one that seems endless.
Let’s get to know each other, my sweet daughter.
In the meantime, I’ll sit back and let you come to me.
I won’t be perfect.
I’ll still be a parent (so don’t even think about asking to party all night).
But I’ll wait, patiently, for you to come to me. To talk. To meet me, really. Because even though we’ve met in the most basic sense of the word, we are strangers.
So. Happy birthday, daughter. Happy birthday to the most beautiful stranger I have yet to meet.
Love, your adoring mother
I drop the letter to my lap.
The wind continues to howl outside, but in here, everything is quiet. Too quiet. There’s far too much room for my thoughts to invade, my insecurities, my frustrations.
I was supposed to read this letter three months ago.
Tess has been waiting for me for three months.
So many things make sense to me all of a sudden: the absence of questions during my first week of school, the way she holes herself up in her office but leaves the door cracked, the tensing of her shoulders when we run into each other in the kitchen.
That isn’t to say that I forgive her for the things she’s done. She has a lot to apologize for. But then … maybe I do, too?
I reread the letter several times before opening my nightstand drawer and slipping it in along with the key and the drawing from Parrish. Part of me wants to go to him, to let him hold me and rub my back while I feel this situation out, but … I can’t. I can’t let him hold me that way if he’s just going to push me back.
Instead, I slip my earbuds in, start up Cry by Ashnikko—guess I really am a simp, huh?—and curl up to go back to sleep.
In my dreams, I relive that moment in the basement with Parrish over and over and over again.
Delphine wakes me up in the morning, as she usually does. Saturdays and Sundays be damned; it’s early to rise in the Vanguard house as always. I feel bad for Delphine though; she’s here six mornings a week now.
“Whatever happened to that other girl you mentioned, the one that used to clean on weekdays?” I ask on the tail end of a yawn, reaching up to scratch at my head as I blink through sleep-blurred eyes. Delphine is already whisking the curtains open and spraying the already-clean glass with Windex.
“JJ?” she asks, glancing back at me with a nervous expression. “Nobody’s seen her for months.”
That perks me up a bit. If I had cat ears, they’d have swiveled forward at the news.
“She’s missing?” I ask, feeling this pit open up in my stomach. I wonder if the Seattle Slayer got her? The way Delphine’s looking at me makes me wonder if she’s thinking the same thing. Even if it wasn’t him, there’s a chance it’s something worse.
“The police think she took off, but I don’t know if I believe that. She’d just started dating—” Delphine begins, pausing at the sound of a knock on the door. Tess enters without waiting for me to call out which annoys me … until I remember the letter. She left it for me on purpose, right?
A bit of hope fills me, but it’s squashed out just as quickly by the look on Tess’ face. She seems worried about something. Hopefully nothing to do with me. I’m not sure how much more I can take.
“Have you spoken to Lumen today?” she asks me, and I cock a brow. She should know if I have: she has spyware all the fuck over my phone, and I (supposedly) don’t have any other electronics to use at the moment. “Apparently there was a party last night, and she didn’t come home.”
Alarm spikes through me as Delphine stops scrubbing the window. I hadn’t realized how loud the squeaking of the glass was until just now. It feels almost stiflingly quiet in here.
“Lumen is missing?” Parrish asks, coming out of his room dressed in a bunch of expensive Whitehall gear. He looks like he’s about to head out for a run. Only, I know he doesn’t go running because Tess won’t let him; he has to use the home gym instead. Poor little rich boy, am I right? “What’s so unusual about that? This happens all the time.”
“Not since I’ve known her,” I retort, forgetting for the briefest of seconds there that we had a moment in Bend. And not just an emotional moment, but a physical one. Those were all firsts for me. I swing my legs out of bed as Tess sighs.
“Lumen Hearst has gone missing once or twice …” she hazards, but I can see that her mama bear instincts are flaring. She’s a bit more bear than mother in my opinion, but whatever. Also, the letter, Dakota. The letter. My face heats up and Parrish notices. His gaze sharpens, but not in a bad way, and then he … hooks a smile at me?
Wow.
Wasn’t expecting that.
“She disappeared in Colorado for three fucking days during freshman year.” Parrish lifts up a hand as Tess gives him a look that clearly says watch your language, bro. Maybe without the ‘bro’ part though. She isn’t that interesting. “Then, on our sophomore class trip to Disneyland, she left the park and somehow ended up in San Francisco. If there was a party last night, and Lumen was at it, then she probably took off with some new friends to the Bahamas. She’ll turn up.”
“Either way, I’d like for both of you to call and text her,” Tess says, glancing over at Delphine. She gets right back to cleaning, as if she wasn’t listening in on the entire conversation. “And please let me know as soon as you hear from her. Her father’s out of his mind with worry.”
Tess disappears down the hall without mentioning the letter, without so much as giving away with a single furtive glance that she left it here last night. No mention of getting my door back either.
“She’ll probably call you in the morning, bitching about a hangover,” Parrish tells me, but I’m worried anyway. I grab my Tess-phone from the dresser and type out a quick message before giving her a call. No answer. Parrish watches, arms crossed, as he moves over to lean in my doorway. Like Tess, he doesn’t mention the drawing he left for me either. “Do you think we could talk later?” he asks me, flicking his gaze up to Delphine.
Nausea overtakes me in a wave because I know what this is about. And I’m scared. Terrified, maybe, is a better word.
“Yeah, for sure. I should probably talk to Tess first though. I finally got around to reading that birthday letter she gave me and … it’s heavy.” Parrish watches me while I talk, his slight smile turning back into that neutral pout he enjoys so much. He has the mouth to pull it off, I’ll admit. He nods as I glance his way.
Our eyes meet, and I swear, the air between us starts to ripple with heat.
Before I decide to say fuck it and go after Parrish first, I force myself to open the topmost dresser drawer, snatch some clothes, and disappear into the bathroom. Once I’ve showered, brushed and dried my hair, and gotten dressed, I finally emerge.
Both Delphine and Parrish are gone, so I decide that now’s the time.