I scrambled through my bag, seemingly uncaring that they were both watching me have a freak-out. I shook a pill out into my hand and downed it dry. I didn’t even care at that point. I couldn’t care. Not when my entire body threatened to shut down as reality washed over me.
Julian had hidden this from me. He’d lied to me about it. He’d gone to his ex-girlfriend, who he’d claimed to hate. And yet, he’d chosen her over me. Her. Over me.
What had I been thinking all this time? That things with Julian were just too perfect. If something looked too good to be true, it probably was. I’d been living in this dream world. Julian and I were happy, and nothing could break that. Everything was fine. I belonged here. Finally right here, where I’d always wanted to be. I’d been dreaming, and now, I was awake. The bubble had burst. The dream world was gone. Only reality invaded my mind as I stared at what could have been and saw only what was.
“This isn’t what it looks like,” Julian insisted.
“It’s exactly what it looks like.”
“Jesus,” Ashleigh said. “Don’t you see that she has a problem? She’s taking pills right in front of your face now, and you’re not wondering why?”
I swallowed harder, glaring at her.
But it was Julian who, just for a fraction of a second, went from concerned to confused. “What pills are you taking?”
My voice turned steely. “Oh my God, as if that’s anyone’s business.”
“See,” Ashleigh said, “I told you she was doing drugs.”
I gasped at the words and stared at her in shock. “I’m what?”
“When I saw you at the charity gala, you were doing cocaine in the bathroom. I saw you all sweaty, pupils dilated, wiping your nose. I’ve seen the addict behavior before.”
I shook my head. “You are out of your goddamn mind. You will say anything to try to get Julian back.”
“I don’t have to say anything but the truth.”
And then I saw the moment in front of me. Julian wavered at Ashleigh’s words. He didn’t even see her for the slimy bitch that she was. That she was trying to tear us apart by accusing me of bullshit. He didn’t even see what was standing right in front of him. I was furious with him about hiding the distribution issue and going to Ashleigh, but that look…that look broke me.
“Fine. Believe what you want,” I said. I snatched up my purse and stormed past them both and out of the house.
Annie pulled into the driveway when I stepped outside. Thank God I’d texted her earlier, or I’d have been walking home. My hands were shaking as the side effects of my panic attack lingered on the periphery.
Julian dashed out after me. He was in no position to run, but our argument must have put his hangover on hold.
“Jen! Jen, wait,” he called, reaching for me.
“I don’t have anything to say to you,” I told him.
“Please, I don’t know what she’s talking about. I don’t know or care about any of it. I don’t want you to walk away. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“You lied and hid and second-guessed me and made me second-guess myself. Tell me, Julian, how are you any different than your dad right now?”
He whipped back as shock hit him full on. He opened and closed his mouth. Then it all cleared in his face as he saw exactly what I’d said. “I…I’m not. I’m not him.” He reached for me again, snagging my hand and pulling it to him. “Jen, please.”
And I wanted so badly to give in to him. Julian Wright was the boy I’d pined after. Who I’d always said that I wasn’t good enough for. But standing here, after all the bullshit I’d walked through, I was realizing that maybe I’d been wrong all along. Maybe he wasn’t good enough for me.
I’d spent my life tiptoeing around the word no. I hated saying it. I couldn’t say it. I wasn’t capable of it. I was a pushover, and I complied with what everyone else wanted. I’d never found my own voice. But if this summer had taught me anything, it was that I had to stick up for myself to get what I wanted and to get the respect I deserved. In my friendships, in my career, and now, in my relationship.
“No,” I said softly.
“What?”
“No,” I said more forcefully. I extracted my hand. “No, no, no, no, no. And no.”
“No what?”
“No to everything. No, I’m not going to just get over this. No, I’m not going to stay and listen to you try to dig yourself out of the grave that you dug yourself. No, I don’t owe you an explanation. So, just no, Julian. No.”
He stared at me, slack-jawed. He’d never seen me like this before. And that was okay because I’d never seen me like this before either. I kind of liked me like this, to be honest.
So, I stepped back and left him standing in the driveway. I got into the passenger side, and Annie had wide eyes.
“How much did you hear?” I asked as she pulled away.
“Uh…everything.” She touched my hand. “Are you okay?”
“No.”
The word rolled off of my tongue again as the realization of what I’d done finally sank in. Then I started crying and didn’t stop for a long, long time.
38
Julian
Jennifer had left.
She’d left with Annie and not even looked back.
I’d done this.
My head felt like someone had split it in two with an ax. My stomach wasn’t doing much better. Every nerve in my body was on high alert. I was hungover as fuck. And yet, it was my heart that hurt the worst.
Worst of all because I had done this to myself. I’d driven Jen to make this decision. I’d never heard her speak like she had just spoken to me. And I’d deserved every word of it. Fuck.
And I couldn’t even go after her. One, I shouldn’t drive right now. She had been right about that. Two, I had that fucking breakfast with Jordan and Weston. I’d already been deeply not looking forward to it. Now, I wanted nothing less. And finally, she didn’t want me to. She’d made that clear. I had to give her space even if it was the last thing I wanted to do.
I headed back inside to find Ashleigh sitting at the kitchen island on her phone with the leather notebook in front of her, as if nothing had happened.
“You should leave,” I spat.
She held one finger up as she finished her text. I thought about taking her phone out of her hand and throwing it into the yard.
She looked up. “Sorry, what, babe?”
“I am not your babe. We are not together. You have no right to barge into my house ever. Ever.”
She just smiled. “Well, I tried calling you.”
“As I told you Friday, my phone is broken.”
“Still? That’s so irresponsible.”
I took a deep inhale. “Get out of my house, Ashleigh.”
“Okay, but first, let’s talk about the distribution meeting. I talked to George and explained the situation. So, we have another meeting with him today via Zoom. Let’s get you into a suit and get this wrapped up.”
I stared at her as if she’d sprouted an antenna. “Did you not hear a word I just said? I want you out of here.”