I didn’t answer. I was too busy trying to work up the courage to drink Kevin’s whiskey to get up off the couch or even say anything to the man I used to love. “Have you had that entire bottle?”
I looked down at the almost-empty bottle of whiskey in my hand and blinked, trying to figure out why he’d even ask me that, or what he was doing in my house.
“I thought it was tequila waiting for me,” I whispered brokenly. “I thought I could make the pain go away.” I didn’t actually think anything would ever take away the pain. Not really. “Oh well.” When I tried to tilt the bottle back and take a drink, my arms weren’t even strong enough to lift it.
How much had I cried?
“It was one mission.” Ian’s voice broke as he watched the tears flow down my face. “One mission that went wrong.”
“Yeah,” I told him without breaking eye contact, letting him see the hate I still felt buried in the depths of my heart. “And it ruined what was left of my family.”
“Not just yours,” Ian said quietly. “We were supposed to have forever.”
“Forever doesn’t mean shit when my family is gone.”
I pulled Kevin’s flag closer to my chest, using it to keep a barrier between the two of us. Needing that space to keep from admitting the truth. To save myself from the fact that I was pushing away the only family I had left.
“Come on, Chloe, I’ll get you to bed.” He stepped forward and if I could have retreated back further into the couch, I would have.
Instead, I was left holding the flag between us like it would protect me from the pain I’d caused myself.
“What are you doing, Chloe?” Ian gently took the flag from my hand, his eyes staying glued to the fabric, and I could swear that his hands trembled while he carried it to the mantle above the fireplace.
I watched him place two fingers to his lips and then touch one of the stars and my heart broke into impossibly smaller fragments.
With one hand held out for me to take, Ian waited patiently for me to pull myself together. Once I did that, he guided me to my room, and it felt like I was floating on air with every step we took.
“Chloe,” he whispered my name. “You hate alcohol. What are you doing?”
“Want to be numb.”
Couldn’t he see how much pain I was in? How hard it was for me to even get out of bed every day, knowing I’d never see Kevin again? Couldn’t he see anything anymore?
“I see all of it, Chloe. But I can’t walk away from you.”
I said that to him.
Normally, I would flush with embarrassment and apologize, but not anymore. I was too numb to care, and too hurt to worry about Ian’s feelings. I couldn’t find the strength to care about anything.
“Go away, Ian.” I sniffed into a pillow that I didn’t remember grabbing and turned my head to see him sitting on the edge of my bed. His eyes were locked on mine, watching me like I was the only thing in his world. “You don’t have any reason to stay.”
He didn’t move, and I couldn’t tell if I was happy he stayed or angry that he didn’t respect me enough to leave.
“You were wrong, Chloe,” he whispered as I finally welcomed the oblivion I’d been searching for since I heard my brother was never coming home. The oblivion I was trying to search for at the bottom of my brother’s last bottle of liquor.
Instead of telling him he was the wrong one, I curled into the nest of pillows and blankets that offered the only warmth I wanted… at least that’s what I’d keep telling myself until it was true.
“I have every reason to stay. One day, I’ll prove it to you. When you’re ready to face the truth. Right now, I can be your villain, if you need. I can be the one you blame. But that won’t stop how I feel. How I’ll always feel. And when you’re ready for it, my heart and the ring are both yours.”
Ian’s words were the broken lullaby that finally chased away my demons, at least for a little while.
I dreamed that he brushed my hair out of my face and pressed a kiss to my forehead.
“I love you, Chloe Young. No matter what you say, or what happens, that will never change.”
I had to be dreaming, right? Nobody could take all the hate. All the evil I’d thrown at him, and let it roll off his shoulders so easily. How could he tell me he still loved me? How could he promise forever when I couldn’t even let myself love him?
In my dreams, it was easy to love him. Easy to forget that he came home, and Kevin didn’t.
Maybe one day, my dreams could become reality. Maybe I could forgive him for choosing me over my brother.
Until then, all I had were the nightmares to keep me company.
2
Ian
I didn’t kill one of my best friends. No matter what his sister or the nagging ache in my chest told me.
Kevin Young died a hero, serving overseas, and I was on the other side of the world when it happened.
That fact didn’t do a damned thing to alleviate the guilt or pain coursing through my veins. In fact, as I silently walked out of Chloe’s house after holding her in my arms while she cried herself to sleep, I felt like I’d been the one to pull the trigger, killing Kevin myself.
I locked her front door, using the key I’d had since I was ten years old, and thought about leaving it under the mat for her to find the next time she looked.
Fuck that.
I put it in my pocket, listening to the soft clink it made as it connected with the diamond ring Chloe handed back to me when we got the official notification about Kevin, in a moment that I’d never be able to burn out of my mind.
Chloe’s face, confused as she opened the door to see two Marines standing in uniform, would haunt my dreams until I died. Her gray eyes, filled to the brim with tears that I couldn’t wipe away, were there every single time I closed my eyes.
“You okay?”
My little sister, Bria, stood on the sidewalk waiting for me with red-rimmed eyes.
“No,” I answered her honestly. “I don’t think I’ll be okay again… ever.” With the way her shoulders slumped, I knew she was feeling Kevin’s loss as badly as I was, if not worse. “How are you doing?”
I didn’t point out the fact that she and Kevin had dated. Nor did I mention that she’d been brokenhearted since their breakup a few weeks before his last deployment. I didn’t say anything when she shuddered and threw herself into my arms, crying for a loss that I might not ever understand.
What I did do was guide her gently across the street to our parents’ house, where we both sat on the front porch and mourned the man who’d been taken too soon.
“Where are Mom and Dad?” Ian finally asked when Bria’s crying faded into nothing more than a quiet sob. Their car wasn’t in the drive, and I hadn’t seen them since leaving Kevin’s funeral.
“They went to camp. Mom didn’t want to see their house and lose it again.” Bria’s quiet words were a blatant reminder that Kevin’s loss didn’t just affect one family. His death would reach every corner of our community, and there wasn’t any way to fix it.
In the silence around us, I heard the sound of Remy and Linc shouting at each other from a few streets away, and I grunted. “The guys are almost here.”