He remained silent, waiting to see what Travis would do. After several minutes passed, he sighed, disappointed. He’d hoped that Travis would’ve made the effort, would’ve—
The doorknob turned and Travis appeared, backlit by the butter-yellow glow from the light in the hallway.
Neither of them said a word when Travis stepped into the room, closed the door behind him.
Neither of them said a word when Travis walked toward him only to stop, turn back around.
Gage wasn’t sure he was breathing as he waited, watching Travis as he gripped the doorknob as though leaving the room. Several heartbeats passed and still Travis was there.
“You should’ve told me.”
“Told you what?” Gage asked, playing dumb.
Travis let go of the knob, turned around. “You’ve been talkin’ to Reese.”
“And?”
“You’ve been up to speed on the case. Probably before I was.”
Yes, Gage had gotten some updates. But he didn’t figure it had been relevant to what was going on. Until Brantley and Reese actually found Juliet Prince, it was all moot. Or until the FBI tracked her down, it didn’t matter. Everyone knew she was out there somewhere. He didn’t see the point in discussing it.
“You should’ve told me,” Travis repeated, his voice harsher than before.
“What good would it’ve done?” he countered. “How the fuck would it help? Tell me that, Travis. Tell me how knowin’ what they’re doin’ would help any of us get through another day.”
As he expected, Travis didn’t answer.
And yet, Gage still waited for a response.
*
Travis had never hyperventilated a day in his life.
Until now.
Until this moment when he was standing in their bedroom, the room they had shared with Kylie for seven amazing years. He couldn’t seem to get enough air in his lungs despite his efforts to do so. The walls felt like they were closing in around him, making his vision go gray at the edges.
“Travis.”
He could hear Gage’s voice, even comprehended the concern in it, but he couldn’t move, couldn’t react, couldn’t anything.
Why had he come in here? Why? What was the purpose of subjecting himself to this?
Hard hands were turning him around, then suddenly cupping his neck, thumbs brushing along his jaw, Gage’s face filling his line of sight.
“Trav, relax,” his husband whispered, his tone so gentle it caused another ache in his chest. “Breathe.”
Travis shook his head. He couldn’t. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t fill his lungs. His airway was getting smaller by the second, his chest constricting.
Those strong hands grew firmer as Gage leaned in. And then Gage’s breath fanned his lips.
“I’m here, Trav. I’m right here. I want you to breathe. In and out. Slow. It’s all right. I swear to you.”
“I … I can’t… Oh, fuck…” He sucked in air, the panic attack beating down on him. He felt his legs weaken. He was going to pass out.
“Breathe.” Gage leaned in closer, pressed his lips to Travis’s. Just a gentle brushing, but it gave Travis something to focus on. The imaginary band on his chest loosened slightly.
It was then he realized he was crying, tears streaming down his cheeks.
“I miss her so fuckin’ much,” he forced out. “So much, Gage. I. Miss. Her.”
Gage’s arms banded around him, jerking him close, tightening in a hold that should’ve been constricting, but it wasn’t. It was comfort. It was … home and hope and love all right there. This man … despite their issues, despite the distance they’d put between them, he was there when Travis needed him. Always there.
“We’re gonna get through this,” Gage said, his voice so low, if he hadn’t been right at Travis’s ear, he wouldn’t have heard him. “We will. All of us. It’ll never be easy, but we’ll get through it.”
“I love you,” Travis blurted, holding him, clutching his T-shirt in his fists, scared to let go. He just needed Gage to know that, to understand. Yes, he was fucked up. Yes, he was doing this all wrong. But that didn’t change the fact that Gage meant everything. “I do,” he added. “I love you so goddamn much.”
“I know.”
They remained like that for several minutes, holding one another up, tears falling, the fear and anger they’d built up finding a small but effective outlet.
“I hate this, Gage. I hate her not bein’ here. I don’t want to get outta bed anymore. Without her … without you…”
“You’ve got me,” Gage snapped, pulling back and gripping Travis’s neck again. “You understand me. You’ve got me. Always. No matter what.”
Travis’s eyes searched his face, praying he meant that, but he wasn’t sure what was real anymore. He’d never felt so much pain before. Never had anything hurt as much, cause such a brutal agony in his chest as losing Kylie. And the past several weeks … they were hell on earth as Travis navigated this new path, tried to figure out how he fit in his own life now. If he fit in it.
“I can’t be in this room. I can’t sleep in that bed.” Travis glanced over at the spot Kylie used to occupy, and his chest constricted again, but this time there was anger boiling in the pain. “I can’t.” He looked back at Gage. “I made love to her that mornin’. Right there. Right there in that fuckin’ bed. I can’t be in here without thinkin’ about that. About her. Missin’ what we were supposed to have for an eternity. That was it. My last moment with her.”
He saw something flash in Gage’s eyes. Pain? Misery?
“At least you had that,” Gage whispered.
Oh, that was far more than misery. That was agony and despair.
“At least you have that to remember, Trav. Those precious minutes you had with her that mornin’.” A tear streaked down his face. “I didn’t even get that.”
It wouldn’t have hurt more if Gage had punched him in the stomach.
“I…” Travis didn’t know what to say. Words were not going to help, of that he was certain.
“It’s not your fault, Trav. It’s not.” Gage took a deep breath, his hands relaxing as he leaned in, forehead to forehead. “I was mad at you initially. Sure. For about a minute. You got that and I didn’t. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t get that. Why I couldn’t’ve had just five more minutes with her.”
Travis fisted Gage’s shirt tighter, feeling the sorrow as it poured off of his husband. He hadn’t seen that last precious moment he’d had with Kylie as a blessing. But Gage was right. He’d had that.
“Every minute without her is agony, Trav. That’s to be expected. We’ve lost somethin’ important. Somethin’ crucial. But we have to keep puttin’ one foot in front of the other. We can’t keep dwellin’ on what we don’t have. It’s not good for us; it’s not good for the kids.”
He knew Gage was right. Of course he did, but that didn’t make it any easier.
“How do we fix it?” Travis honestly wanted to know. He needed to know because going on like this wasn’t sustainable.