“Slade, it’s fine,” I say, feeling like the shittiest person on the planet, now wanting to flog myself for this. “I’m just about done.”
“I missed it?” he asks, his voice confused.
“They didn’t do much,” I say, a few tears rolling down my cheeks. “Have to come back for blood work and . . .”
“Why didn’t you call me?” he asks, and I can hear the anger rising in his voice.
“I knew you were busy.”
“Did they do an ultrasound?” he asks.
My eyes close. “I was just about to schedule it.”
“I’ll see you at home later,” he says, hanging up.
*
To say he’s cold when I get home is an understatement, and he has every right to be. I did a horrible thing. I didn’t do it to hurt him. I did it to protect myself, my secrets, everything we are trying to build now. But that doesn’t make it any better.
Finn is down for the night, and Slade’s in his office, avoiding me. It’s been this way for a few hours, and I can’t stand it any longer. I need to apologize to him. Lightly, I knock on his office door. When he doesn’t bother to respond, I open it up slightly. He doesn’t even look up at me. I walk over.
“I’m really sorry.”
“I’m trying really hard to understand why you wouldn’t call and tell me about the appointment change,” he says, his voice with an angry edge that I’ve never heard from him before. Sure, he can be an asshole, but it’s never been like this.
“It was last minute. You were busy, and they weren’t doing anything important. Just basically confirming the pregnancy. I’m sorry.”
He still won’t look at me, and he doesn’t even bother to reply. I don’t want to cry in front of him, so I head for the door.
“Did you hear the heartbeat?” he asks.
Turning back, I say, “No, it’s too early. But we’ll be able to see it on the ultrasound.”
“You going to tell me when that appointment is?” he snaps.
With tears rushing down my cheeks, I quickly turn, heading toward the staircase. I deserve for him to be mad at me, but I don’t have to like it. I hear him mumble a curse word behind me. I don’t make it to the stairs before his arms slide around my waist.
His mouth lowers to my ear, his warm breath giving me goose bumps. “You aren’t alone this time,” he growls. “Stop acting like you are.”
“But . . .”
“This is when you rely on me, on my love for you,” he says, lowering his hands to my stomach. “On my love for our child.”
Placing my hands on top of his, I whisper, “You won’t miss another appointment because of me.” But I have no idea how I’m going to keep that promise.
*
I watch Slade holding baby Theo. I’ve seen him hold Finn lots of times, but never when Finn was that small. Slade’s a big man, and seeing him with such a tiny little person makes me excited to see him holding our newborn.
I’m carrying Slade’s child. A tear rolls down my cheek. Of course, I’m happy, but this complicates things even more. I’m in a mess, a mess of my own making, and if I’m not careful, I could drag Slade down with me. I don’t see a way out, and I can’t just leave, not now, not while I’m carrying his child. I would never do that to him. He looks over at me, giving me a little wink as someone takes a picture of him with his godson.
The christening service was pretty small with just family and some close friends, but it was absolutely lovely. It was held in a small church not far from where Jon and Catrine live. They were beaming the whole time, and little Theo didn’t cry once, not even when the priest drizzled the water on his head. Slade looked incredibly handsome holding Theo on the altar, promising to guide him and be there for him. I sat toward the back in case I needed to make a quick escape with Finn. He obviously doesn’t understand the significance of the moment or that he needed to be quiet through it. I held him the whole time, trying to keep him occupied.
We’re back at their house now for a little party. Finn’s about had his fill, though, anxious to be able to crawl around, sick of being confined in our arms. “Jon?” I ask. “Is there someplace I can put Finn down to play?”
“Go up to Theo’s room,” he says, nodding toward the stairs.
Carrying Finn, I walk up and open the door to the nursery. Catrine’s at the changing table with little Theo. “Oh, sorry,” I say. “Jon said I could bring Finn up here to play.”
“It’s fine,” she says, giving me a small smile. “Finn’s gotten so big.”
“Theo, too,” I say, smiling back. “I’d like us to get together once you get settled, get a routine.”
“Maybe,” she says, finishing up the diaper, not making eye contact with me. She’s not the same with me. Maybe it’s hormones, or maybe she’s suspicious. I need to smooth this over.
“Sorry I freaked out so much when you went into labor. It’s just different when it’s your friend.”
With a tight-lipped smile on her face, she gives me a little nod. “I need to get back to the party.”
“Catrine, are we okay?” I ask.
She exhales. “Paige, is there anything going on?”
“What would be going on?” I ask, my heart starting to pound.
She shakes her head. “I’m sorry. I’m just having all these crazy thoughts.”
“Like what?” I ask.
“I’m embarrassed to even say,” she says. “I think mommy brain has struck. Poor Jon, he must think I’m crazy.”
I wonder what she’s shared with her husband. They seem the type of couple who would talk about everything. My stomach twists. I want to be like that with Slade, but I can’t. It’s what’s best for him. Still, I wonder if Catrine said anything crazy about me? I give her a little side hug, but she still seems stiff. “I’m here if you want to talk or anything. I understand the stresses of having a newborn.”
“If you say so,” she says, walking out of the room. I call after her, but she ignores me. Clearly, she’s got some suspicions about me. I hope they’re the wrong ones. Quickly, I pick up Finn, my head growing dizzy for a second. When I get to the staircase, I pause for a moment, waiting for the room to stop spinning.
When it doesn’t, I sit down, making sure to hold Finn tightly as if my life and his depend on it. “Paige?”
I hear Slade’s voice and look up, finding him rushing up the stairs toward me, noticing something’s wrong.
“I’m fine,” I say, handing him Finn. “Just got up too fast and got a little dizzy.”
Before I know it, Jon and Catrine are there, too. “She alright?” Jon asks.
Catrine looks me right in the eye and asks, “Anything you need to come clean about?”
My head starts to spin again. Slade’s eyes fly to me, and he says, “Guess we have to tell them?”
Jon looks over at his wife then to Slade. “Tell us what?” Jon asks.
“Paige is pregnant,” Slade says with a beaming smile.
I look over at Catrine, and her mouth is on the floor. I’m not happy about Slade blabbering our news, especially when I asked him not to. But I’ll forgive him because it seems to have shut down Catrine’s suspicions.